The Men Tell All (or Not Much)

Gossip Boyz

or

Four Weddings that Weren't and Kalon's Funeral

Lacey: The Men Tell All. Here we go.  The first 20 minutes we can skip. It was pretty much a rehash of the season so far. It's only been a few weeks. Not that hard to remember.

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Lorraine: yeah, they seem to think that we're not paying very close attention. or taking notes. or reading recaps, you know, every day.

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Lacey: Yeah. We're obsessed, ABC. No need to waste our time. The second portion of the episode: Stuff that got left on the cutting room floor.

‪Lorraine: I can't believe they left out Jef pillow spinning.

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Lacey: That is a sweet skill. One I intend on mastering.

Emily spilling wine on her exquisite rose gown. "#%*!, y'all!"

Lorraine: I'm surprised that as a mom she didn't know that white wine actually gets stains OUT, not leave them in.

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Lacey: Then we had Arie's brothers spying at Arie and Emily making out from behind the bushes. Awkward!

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Lorraine: I can't describe how little I want to see any of my siblings kissing anyone. In fact, I'm sorry if you have ever seen me kiss Dan. like, at our wedding? Sorry. Because watching siblings kiss is gross.

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Lacey: I have seen you and Dan kiss. It is weird. But it's okay. 

Then Emily said, "If it doesn't work out, I'm calling them." Double Awkward!

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Lorraine: YES. that was some awkward.  polyamorously played, Emily.

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Lacey: Ha ha! And finally we were treated to video of Bobblehead's awful awful dancing at the concert. Wow!  I don't think anyone's ever looked that bad dancing. Except me.

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Lorraine: umm, you are not the exception. for sure. he was that bad. there is no mockable exception.  I know it should be endearing or something, but now that I know he's on bachelor pad, I feel like all my instincts are totally justified. he's a dufus.

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Lacey: Which seamlessly brings us into Part 3 of the episode: Bachelor Pad sneak peek. I would like to state for the record that I have never before had any interest in that show whatsoever. I'm into CLASSY entertainment, like the Bachelorette. Psh. But this coming season I must make an exception because my all time favorite Bachelorette contestant ever of all time, REID, will be moving into the house! Oh, Reid! How I love him. 

Also, to watch what appeared to be a Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee. Whoever came up with that idea needs a raise, stat! Brilliant!

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Lorraine: absolutely brilliant.  And I will support your support of Reid on bachelor pad, as long as I get to read about it.

I've seen as much as I needed to see. Blakely the Train Wreck, Jaimie the Dress Ripper (possibly the only kiss as awkward as Doug's in Bach history) and Kalon the drama hog.

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Lacey: Why would Lindzi debase herself thus? What is she thinking, hooking up with Kalon? Ew! 

Lorraine: I know. Her horses would not like Kalon.

Lacey: I was only interested in what appeared to be major drama between Ed and Reid. Reid FTW!

Alright! Enough of this nonsense! Let's bring out the guys!

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Lorraine: YES, the real men.  ABC really did pick Emily a nice crop of boys, as I look back with nostalgia.

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Lacey: Alas! Aaron the Biology Teacher, we barely knew ye.

‪Lorraine: And Michael the long haired model. We still don't knew ye.

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Lacey: Ha! I'm glad they gave them both spots on the panel! It made me happy.

We get our first glimpse of ABC totally grooming Sean for the role of our next Bachelor. When he enters, the paid extras studio audience screams their heads off right on cue.

‪Lorraine: Yeah. He's gonna do great there.  Good for him.  he is the darling of the season, no doubt.

in watching the highlight reel of early man drama, I kept thinking what a hard time poor ABC must have had trying to typecast/edit/portray Doug. Brother was all over the place.

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Lacey: It's so true! So many personalities! Hulk/Doug, Awkward Doug, Humble Doug. Who is this guy?!

‪Lorraine: Is he nice? is he mean? Is he drama? is he the cool single dad? Is he the awkward kisser? Is he funny? We don't...We don't know. I still don't know.

‪Lacey: We probably never will.

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Lorraine: I guess Arie had him pegged. Doug is a chameleon.  Just depends what day you get him.

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Lacey: How about Bobblehead still getting his panties in a twist over the tiniest things? I secretly love that Beefcake knows how to push his buttons so well. It's hilarious!

‪Lorraine: Oh. I was all team beefcake tonight.  My exact notes were the absolutely useless following: "Oh Christopher. Christopher, Christopher, Christopher." because I don't know how else to console this giant baby of a man with his sleepy eyes.

and as soon as Chris tries taking Ryan to town, one of the best lines of the night.

"Chris, this is an insecurity on your part to do this, but go ahead."

Lacey: Ha ha! Truer words were never spoken! Chris just continues to prove that he is in fact an immature kid.

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Lorraine: the more he talks, the deeper his hole gets. it's so cute. like a cute little kid that can't work the tonka tractor yet!

‪Lacey: He's still learning.  How about that Kalon guy?

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Lorraine: I mean, what is there to say? He's more than disingenuous- I'm nearly positive he's an actor.

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Lacey: He is seriously the smarmiest jerk to set foot on this show and that is saying a lot. I loved when he claimed that he's great friends with Chris and Tony. Tony just stared at the floor with shifty eyes.  Read: Nope. Everyone hates you, Kalon.

How about Wolfie's awesome one liner. "I don't think he'd miss a facial to pick up Ricki from soccer practice." Ha! Plus, he's wearing pink pants. Big win.

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Lorraine: HA! How did I miss the pink pants?

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Lacey: They were a lovely soft baby pink. It takes a real man. He looked classy.

‪Lorraine: Readers, if you'd like some extracurricular reading on Kalon, may I suggest : http://www.dallasnews.com/lifestyles/style/people/20120229-how-to-achieve-killer-american-psycho-like-style.ece.  this is a man who has spent his entire adult life reinventing himself as an image.

WELL, should we talk about Ryan in the hot seat?

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Lacey: Yes please! First off, I thought he looked about a million times better now that he's grown out his hair tuft.  But he needs to go a little easier on the self tanner.

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Lorraine: oh no. the tan goes with the whole Ryan thing. It's all or nothing, Lacey. With Ryan, it's the whole, blessed, worldly, gifted package.

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Lacey: The truth is, he was cracking me up the whole time. I don't hate him anymore. He's more mesmerizing to me than anything. It's like he knows he's a caricature and he plays it up. He's in on the whole thing. And it almost makes him, dare I say, likable.

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Lorraine: WOW! Lacey, I never thought we'd see eye to eye on this one. But we do! You and I have fallen for his antics together, and it's FUN!

I enjoyed the whole entire interview beginning to end, and "what about the trophy wife thing, wanna touch on that?!" was the cherry on top of Ryan's totally charming self adoration

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Lacey: That crazy kid. I still wouldn't date him, and if I knew him I'd roll my eyes a lot, but I think would enjoy him.

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Lorraine: He would be the life of every party.

I think he said it best, oh I should have written it down. "Arrogance is a false sense of confidence"? I think he said? It's true. Kalon is arrogant. Ryan is absolutely sure of himself. One is pathetic, and one is endearing. And that's the difference.

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Lacey: Well said.

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Lorraine: And Kudos to Host Chris.  Magnificently managed.

‪Lacey: He was so on last night!  He was burning people left and right!

‪Lorraine: divorce has been good to him. I hate to say it.

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Lacey: Oooooh.

‪Lorraine: "Ladies, the line for Ryan forms right over here!"  sheer brilliance.

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Lacey: Then we're subjected to even more Bobblehead, this time in the hot seat. Harrison asked him, "Do you anger quickly?" Lemme answer that. YES.

Lorraine: Chris jumps to anger faster than Michelle Bachmann at a free health care clinic giving away Green Cards and violins on the government's dime.

Lacey: Is it bad that I wanted to mock his little speech about lost friends and living for today and saying what he means, when he was trying to be all sincere?

Lorraine: And yes. My exact note when Chris started to cry was in the following dufus thought bubble: "Maybe if I cry, people will know how mature I am. If I have dead friends, people will totally think I'm old. I should cry about dead friends. YEAH! THAT'S IT!"

But he forgot to mention that his friends died of diabetes and dimensia, so he didn't seem older, just more desperate.

Lacey: Bobblehead: LOSE.

Sean time?  (Cue the sound of screaming women)

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Lorraine: if swooning had a sound, you'd have heard that too.

I'll say this about Blondbeef. He's not my type, but boy, he sure knows how to show a difference between 4th place and 3rd place.  He is a class act.

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Lacey: I totally agree. He was very sweet and well-spoken.  All the same, when he said "I wondered if I didn’t bringing something to the table that Jef or Arie did," I couldn't help but think, "Yeah. Being interesting. And kissing good." Slap me on the wrist. I know I deserve it.

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Lorraine: no, those are fair assessments.  I may have been eating ravioli when he said that, and was momentarily transfixed on the goodness of ravioli, otherwise I would have mocked him for that, too.

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Lacey: I feel like a season starring Sean might be a little bit like watching paint dry. Then again, I thought Ben would be a fun and interesting Bachelor and I wanted to die during most of that season, so I could be totally wrong.

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Lorraine: Well, clearly my Ravioli was more interesting than Sean, so at this point, I'm skeptical.

‪Lacey: Ha! Finally, Emily comes out looking exactly like my Totally Hair Barbie.

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Lorraine: oh gosh. Her hair is better every time.

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Lacey: She says how happy she is to see everyone, and tells Sean that she "ugly ugly ugly cried" when she watched the episode. Then she says, "What girl wouldn't want Sean?"  Uh...You.

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Lorraine: It was nice that she was trying to be sweet, but it did carry a rather pregnant pause.

I liked that CHRIS HAD SOME STUFF TO GET OFF HIS CHEST AND SAY AND WHATEVER ABOUT OPENING MY EYES TO LOVE AND, YOU KNOW, BASICALLY LIKE EVERYTHING THAT SEAN SAID.  And Emily did not say much back,

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Lacey: I know! Get your own scriptwriter, Bobblehead.

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Lorraine: Ugh, and then Kalon again some more.

‪Lacey: Don't you fret. Emily totally takes him to school.

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Lorraine: That girl has a sailor's tongue on her. I'm not one to talk, but still.

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Lacey: He tried to weave a verbal web of apologetic lies, but she totally called him out. I love that she discredited his statements one at a time until he had nowhere else to go and nothing else to say. All he could do was sit there and look stupid while she said, "I hope you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and rented helicopter." BAM!

‪Lorraine: He's clearly very excited to play a TV Villain forever.  I'm happy for him.

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Lacey: May he find joy.

And last but not least, we get to see a little teaser for next week's episode, where Emily's twin mom tells her not to get engaged. I think Emily's going to follow that advice.  I keep going back and forth on who she's going to choose, but either way, I think she's going to tell them that she wants to date for a while.

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Lorraine: You could be right.  Want to make an official prediction from which to compare our twisted views a week from now?

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Lacey: I think it's going to be Jef. He says lines like, "I feel like we'll have a love that makes the storybooks jealous." Where does he get this stuff?

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Lorraine: Arie- not the best talker. Says the word "cool" a lot. But I just don't know if I can picture her walking away from him. I really can't. I guess we'll keep it interesting, and I'll go with Arie!

My heart is safer that way.

‪Lacey: Virtual shake on it. It's going to be a rough one.

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Lorraine: And cheers to Chris Harrison sitting Emily down and breaking it to her that polyamorous love is not an option, and accepting two proposals is a betrayal. That's all I have to say.

‪Lacey: He'll keep her in line.