or
A Man's Key and A Mormon
Lacey: I'M IN LOVE WITH JEF! What can I
do?!?!
Lorraine: he is really, really something. I have NO idea how she is going to choose
between him and Arie. because let's be
honest, they are the frontrunners.
Lacey: Definitely. I can't stand
thinking about it. I can safely say already that I will cry during the
finale. It rarely happens. This time it definitely will. It's going to be brutal.
Lorraine: agreed.
Lacey: But I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Prague! I've always wanted to go. I want to go even more now.
Beautiful city.
Lorraine: Indeed. it is, in fact, BLECH,
"the perfect place to fall in love"
and prague looks good on this set of boys, doesn't it? she's finally narrowed it down to a charming
groupage.
Lacey: It's true. I didn't dislike
anybody left this week.
Lorraine: Also, if I hear Chris Harrison say
one more time that "this is by far the biggest week", I will hurl.
Yes, CH. Every week that goes by is bigger. we get it. I'm going to blame it on
the distraction of his crumbling marriage.
Lacey: Sad :(
So let's start with date #1 shall we? "Let's Czech out Prague
together." Soooo clever!
They both step out looking super stylin'- she in her
sparkly short shorts, and he is his leather elbow-patch blazer.
Lorraine: yes, they looked excellent. I wasn't
sure what was showing more on Emily this date: her gams, or her crazy. Brad really did a number on her.
Lacey: I know! I was getting frustrated
because she's obviously crazy about Arie: "I like to kiss Arie a lot,
which I think I show him a lot, by kissing him a lot." But instead
of just asking him about his history with the producer, she was being all
cryptic and letting her doubts and insecurities run wild.
Lorraine: wilder than a hood rat in West
Virginny.
Lacey: Poor guy. He's not a mind reader!
I'll bet he was like, "Why the heck does she keep asking me about
loyalty and honesty over and over?! What does she want me to say?!
I guess I'll confess to the tattoo on my arm."
Lorraine: That was the most painfully slapped together
on/off camera drama I have ever seen on national TV. I felt like I was watching Channel 1 again.
Lacey: Seriously though. How come they
turned to camera off for the good conversation?
Chris Harrison had a lot of patching up to do.
Lorraine: did he ever. well done, future
Bachelor
Lacey: So now we understand that Arie didn't
even think of having dated someone briefly ten years ago as an issue, and Emily
doesn't even care any more. We pick back up with them gazing at each
other with love lights in their eyes.
Lorraine: Can I be totally honest? I
think Arie might be peaking out right about here. I think there is danger in
their fire burning out early. I feel like she has to make drama to keep their
relationship interesting, and I don't know if it's got the potential to go all
the way.
it's like infatuation without really being love. It takes Prague,
and fireworks, and high stakes drama, and Arie saying "this is so cool,
that is so cool, that church is really cool" for them to feel close, and
I, personally, would be bored to tears.
Lacey: Interesting take. They've been so
hot and heavy that I hadn't really thought about it. For me it seems like
she and Jef have a stronger real-life foundation. You could be right,
unless lust conquers all, as it usually does on this show.
Lorraine: I don't know how real love could
ever conquer in 5 weeks.
Lacey: She likes him so much that she keeps
ruining the rose ceremonies! For the last 2 weeks she's outright told him
that he's moving on to next week. Is this allowed?
Lorraine: Chris Harrison says there are no
rules!
except that, clearly, there must be a certain percentage of
hotpants on this show. that's the only
rule.
Lacey: She also may have given away the
ending. Remember? "If things keep going this way, nothing
would make me happier." And... they make out under the fireworks.
Lorraine: hopefully the racecars next week
will traumatize her back into reality.
Lacey: Shall we move on to the the most BLECH
date ever?
Lorraine: ohhhhh poor John. frankly, I don't think it's fair to say he
didn't move forward because he didn't open up. clearly, this man was telling
her every deep dark, remotely interesting secret that he could come up with.
they just have absolutely no chemistry. in fact, they are two very nice oil and
waters. the finest olive oil from Spain, and the nicest Figi Water ever
bottled. and they do not go.
Lacey: I agree. There was no spark there
at all. Not to mention that they were completely doomed when they
couldn't get the padlock to close on the fence. No everlasting love for
you!
Lorraine: most definitely not. As John Lennon
would have said if he were there, "all you need is love, unless it's
really sad boring love, and then you need ice cream."
Lacey: And Doritos.
Lorraine: and probably a really good chick
flick.
Lacey: Again they do dinner in the creepiest
place in the world. I really wouldn't want to eat in a place where people
suffered and were tortured and died horrible deaths. I can't imagine a
less romantic situation.
Lorraine: I second your motion, we must stop
dining in torture chambers just because they are "intimate"
what did you think of Sean "running around" and
"finding" Emily walking home in her heels to her hotel on what just
happened to be a romantic quiet abandoned and well lit alleyway?
Lacey: I don't mind a little homage to "A
Streetcar Named Desire". "Emily! EMILY!!!"
Lorraine: ahhhh yes, I knew that desperate cry
was familiar!
Lacey: Here's the thing. I don't like
when Sean and Emily kiss. It's weird to me. Maybe a little junior
high. He goes from these little pecks to practically licking her face.
Ew. Not magical.
Lorraine: yeah, he is not my kind of guy, and
not my kind of kisser. He's a sweetheart, but yeah. blondbeef is just about to hit the end of the
road if you ask me.
Lacey: I know. I agree. I feel bad
saying it because he seems to be a genuinely good guy and I have nothing
against him. I'm just not seeing it.
Lorraine: on to the amazing, incredible,
mortifying group date?
Lacey: I don't want to... It was too
bad. It was so embarrassing. I
know we must.
Lorraine: Let's start with the neutral
territory to ease in.
I believe the cart horses were European Suffolk Punch
Draughts. A rare breed known for their strong backs and ability to drag
around many beefcakes at once.
Lacey: This is good. Yes. They pulled up to an amazing castle and began
exploring. I got really jealous.
Lorraine: It was soooo beautiful. quite drafty for a woman who is clearly
obsessed with being co-blanketed wherever she goes.
Lacey: Ha! She starts taking a little
one on one time with the gentlemen, the first being single dad Doug. She
takes him to the top of a high tower and they sit in the window seat as far
apart as they can possibly get in such a tight spot.
Lorraine: which instantly leads to an
inevitable "oops, sorry I touched your knee slightly while I was trying to
fold my arms even tighter."
REALLY, DOUG.
Lacey: And she's like, You're kidding, right?
No? Okay! Time's up!
Lorraine: well played, Emily. Thinking that
she is in the clear to the wild blue yonder, she leads her ever so affectionate
suitor to the awaiting car around the corner.
Lacey: She begins to let him down slowly.
She's in the middle of telling him "I just can't keep you away from
your son any longer..." when out of the blue... I can't Lorraine.
You say it.
Lorraine: he gives us this awesome line "
I am feeling good, you know, and the more time I spend with her, the
more.....time I want to spend with her." oh, you don't mean that part? YOU
MEAN THE EVEN WORSE PART THAN THAT?
where he kisses her in the middle of her sentence, and then
she says "thank you for that" and then he says "okay?"
Lacey: Ow!!! Oh, it's like a punch in
the gut every time!!!
Lorraine: It was like watching the Bachelor
and The Office at the same time.
Emily kisses Michael Scott.
Lacey: I wanted to die. It was so
awkward. He finally gets the picture and says, "I feel really stupid
for kissing you right then." Yeah, you and me both, pal.
Lorraine: "no, I don't want you to feel
that way!" she says, and for the first time in their interactions
together, Doug picks up on the proper subtext, to which he replies
"MMMMMMM" which clearly means, clearly, I feel stupid.
Lacey: After he crawls into the warm, dry car
he tells us, "I was a day late and a dollar short," and "I think
my girl radar is totally broken." YA THINK!?!
Oh... And now he's crying.
Lorraine: no, please, stop, Doug.
don't cry.
and please....do not teach me how to Dougie.
So we return to the 2 on 1, which in all of its amazingness
comes with a 1-2 punch of most favorite bachelor lines ever. I had to rewatch
just to write them down properly.
Lacey: Do tell!
Lorraine: Ahem, from NERVOUSWRECKCHRIS:
"getting the rose will mean she wants to meet my family, and I feel like
that will make me the best man so far."
followed immediately by Blondbeef Sean's "That's a big
key. A man's key."
Lacey: Ha ha!
Lorraine: I don't know that any two sentences
made less sense or better showcased exactly who two people are.
Lacey: Amen to that!
When she gave Sean that rose, Chris's descent into madness
kicked into hyper speed. Oh, the look on his face.
Lorraine: I don't know who was more relieved
to see that date end, Emily, or America. certainly not Chris.
Lacey: On to the best date of my life, and I
wasn't even on it.
Lorraine: you and me both. if only dan didn't hate the bachelor, so I
could convince him to recreate that very date with me.
Lacey: They started their date in a marionette
shop. How charming is that? Jef proves he's got some serious
puppeteering skills by moonwalking a Michael Jackson puppet. Aw yeah!
Lorraine: he has clearly had practice at both
moonwalking and puppeteering. he is also
insanely witty and charmingly self effacing.
I don't know how she can stand it.
Lacey: I know, poor girl. So they chose
a prince and princess puppet to represent themselves and left the shop.
But wait! Jef forgot something!
He went back into the shop and bought a little princess
puppet for Ricki! How thoughtful it that?!
"Couldn't leave little Ricki hangin" I love it.
Lorraine: Little, tender Ricki. and if that
didn't set mamma's heart aflutter, nothing would.
Lorraine: there was some very charming scene
recreating their best scenes, which was delightful, but really really really
hard to remember clearly after watching them talk, cuddle, and make out on the
floor of a gorgeous library. NEW BUCKET LIST ITEM.
Lorraine: uh, I mean, not really,
cause...that's your brother.
gross. I'm sorry.
let's move on.
BACK TO JEF.
Lacey: Yeah. Ew, Lorraine. The second
Jef said "Having puppets makes it easier to express big feelings"
that scene from What About Bob popped in my head. The hand puppets?
"It's been a long time since I had a talk with my daughter."
Lorraine: "Daddy, not here!" "Anna! Anna!"
it's true. I guess Dr. Leo Marvin was right about the
puppets!
Lacey: I loved the shaking in his shoes on the
night he met her. And "I like your nailpolish." And
throwing his hands in disgust, "Why didn't I kiss her?! Ugh!" Too precious.
Lorraine: oh you remembered the deets so much
better than I. I outright laughed at the
nail polish. divine.
Lacey: And best of all "I love you a
hundred... million percent so I was wondering... Can we get a dog
together?" I die!
Lorraine: Can we get an AWWWW, bachatelors??
Lacey: AWWWWWWWWW! You know you're a good match for someone
when you just lay on the floor and talk about stuff and have a good time.
I loved the honesty of the conversation. It was like real life.
Lorraine: It totally was. I think this is
where we have to tell our readers, a la Chris Harrison, the truth. Readers, as
you may have heard, there was an off camera scene between Lorraine and Lacey
where they discussed the religious background of Jef, and the fact that he's an
inactive Mormon, and that his parents are on a Mish.
Lacey: That's the "committment" of
which he spoke, and the reason they won't be there when he takes her back to
his hometown.
Don't worry. We're totally not stalkers.
Okay, maybe a little.
Lorraine: in a very naturally curious way, not
a "we would keep your kleenex way"
Lacey: Speak for yourself.
Lorraine: hahaha!
Lorraine: which I think made their
conversation about living together all the more revealing. My heart was
pounding for him. he clearly was trying to walk the fascinating line between
honoring his past and trying to figure out who he will be in the future, and
it's kind of amazing to be watching it on the Bachelorette.
Lacey: I think it's awesome that their values
align. They have the same outlook on the
living together subject, they both want a family ASAP.
Lorraine: they really seem to, I feel like in
a lot of ways, an edgy mo and your average southern christian have a lot in
common, and it's kind of beautiful.
oh listen to us.
Lacey: I love that they match so well, regardless
of specific denomination. It works.
Anyway, the date ends with one of my favorite sentences ever
spoken by Jef, "I wanna date you so hard and marry the____ out of
you." Make out! YES, Jef! YES!!!
Lorraine: YEAH!!!! you go Jef!!! We also want to marry you so hard.
Lacey: In a
nutshell, TEAM JEF!!!
Lorraine: so much it hurts, team Jef.
Are we to the uber awkward rose ceremony?
Lacey: Yeah. Chris realizes that maybe
the way to a woman's heart is not by confronting her and acting possessive and
pig-headed. Women don't actually love that.
Lorraine: Chrissy McFidgets was drivin me
nuts.
Lacey: Wolfie got in his head real good!
Lorraine: I thought his head was gonna pop off
towards the end of that.
Oh, the more and more that Wolfie talked about how confident
he was, the more I felt like the Producers couldn't have written a better
ending if they'd tried.
even with Chrissy McFidget self destructing in the corner
(someone get that man a stiff beverage-milk perhaps) it seemed like they had
just way too many lines of John talking about how confident he was for it to be
that cut and dry.
Lacey: His little prepared speech to her
actually wasn't bad. It was pretty good, in fact. I don't think it
changed her mind, though. I think sending Wolfie home was her plan all along,
but it was good of him to apologize.
Lorraine: your point is good. he clearly rehashed that speech a few
thousand manic times, but it was worth it. Came out good.
Lacey: And with that, Emily gives the rose to
Chris and finishes the job she should've done last week in Croatia.
Lorraine: Most def. Send the stragglers home,
and let's get on to St. George! I mean, uh, all the home towns!
Lacey: One look at St. George and she'll be
sold (hopefully). If not, she doesn't deserve southern Utah!
