A Man's Key and A Mormon
Lacey: I'M IN LOVE WITH JEF! What can I do?!?!
Lorraine: he is really, really something. I have NO idea how she is going to choose between him and Arie. because let's be honest, they are the frontrunners.
Lacey: Definitely. I can't stand thinking about it. I can safely say already that I will cry during the finale. It rarely happens. This time it definitely will. It's going to be brutal.
Lacey: But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Prague! I've always wanted to go. I want to go even more now. Beautiful city.
Lorraine: Indeed. it is, in fact, BLECH, "the perfect place to fall in love"
and prague looks good on this set of boys, doesn't it? she's finally narrowed it down to a charming groupage.
Lacey: It's true. I didn't dislike anybody left this week.
Lorraine: Also, if I hear Chris Harrison say one more time that "this is by far the biggest week", I will hurl. Yes, CH. Every week that goes by is bigger. we get it. I'm going to blame it on the distraction of his crumbling marriage.
Lacey: Sad :( So let's start with date #1 shall we? "Let's Czech out Prague together." Soooo clever!
They both step out looking super stylin'- she in her sparkly short shorts, and he is his leather elbow-patch blazer.
Lorraine: yes, they looked excellent. I wasn't sure what was showing more on Emily this date: her gams, or her crazy. Brad really did a number on her.
Lacey: I know! I was getting frustrated because she's obviously crazy about Arie: "I like to kiss Arie a lot, which I think I show him a lot, by kissing him a lot." But instead of just asking him about his history with the producer, she was being all cryptic and letting her doubts and insecurities run wild.
Lorraine: wilder than a hood rat in West Virginny.
Lacey: Poor guy. He's not a mind reader! I'll bet he was like, "Why the heck does she keep asking me about loyalty and honesty over and over?! What does she want me to say?! I guess I'll confess to the tattoo on my arm."
Lorraine: That was the most painfully slapped together on/off camera drama I have ever seen on national TV. I felt like I was watching Channel 1 again.
Lacey: Seriously though. How come they turned to camera off for the good conversation? Chris Harrison had a lot of patching up to do.
Lorraine: did he ever. well done, future Bachelor
Lacey: So now we understand that Arie didn't even think of having dated someone briefly ten years ago as an issue, and Emily doesn't even care any more. We pick back up with them gazing at each other with love lights in their eyes.
Lorraine: Can I be totally honest? I think Arie might be peaking out right about here. I think there is danger in their fire burning out early. I feel like she has to make drama to keep their relationship interesting, and I don't know if it's got the potential to go all the way.
it's like infatuation without really being love. It takes Prague, and fireworks, and high stakes drama, and Arie saying "this is so cool, that is so cool, that church is really cool" for them to feel close, and I, personally, would be bored to tears.
Lacey: Interesting take. They've been so hot and heavy that I hadn't really thought about it. For me it seems like she and Jef have a stronger real-life foundation. You could be right, unless lust conquers all, as it usually does on this show.
Lorraine: I don't know how real love could ever conquer in 5 weeks.
Lacey: She likes him so much that she keeps ruining the rose ceremonies! For the last 2 weeks she's outright told him that he's moving on to next week. Is this allowed?
Lorraine: Chris Harrison says there are no rules!
except that, clearly, there must be a certain percentage of hotpants on this show. that's the only rule.
Lacey: She also may have given away the ending. Remember? "If things keep going this way, nothing would make me happier." And... they make out under the fireworks.
Lorraine: hopefully the racecars next week will traumatize her back into reality.
Lacey: Shall we move on to the the most BLECH date ever?
Lorraine: ohhhhh poor John. frankly, I don't think it's fair to say he didn't move forward because he didn't open up. clearly, this man was telling her every deep dark, remotely interesting secret that he could come up with.
they just have absolutely no chemistry. in fact, they are two very nice oil and waters. the finest olive oil from Spain, and the nicest Figi Water ever bottled. and they do not go.
Lacey: I agree. There was no spark there at all. Not to mention that they were completely doomed when they couldn't get the padlock to close on the fence. No everlasting love for you!
Lorraine: most definitely not. As John Lennon would have said if he were there, "all you need is love, unless it's really sad boring love, and then you need ice cream."
Lacey: And Doritos.
Lorraine: and probably a really good chick flick.
Lacey: Again they do dinner in the creepiest place in the world. I really wouldn't want to eat in a place where people suffered and were tortured and died horrible deaths. I can't imagine a less romantic situation.
Lorraine: I second your motion, we must stop dining in torture chambers just because they are "intimate"
what did you think of Sean "running around" and "finding" Emily walking home in her heels to her hotel on what just happened to be a romantic quiet abandoned and well lit alleyway?
Lacey: I don't mind a little homage to "A Streetcar Named Desire". "Emily! EMILY!!!"
Lorraine: ahhhh yes, I knew that desperate cry was familiar!
Lacey: Here's the thing. I don't like when Sean and Emily kiss. It's weird to me. Maybe a little junior high. He goes from these little pecks to practically licking her face. Ew. Not magical.
Lorraine: yeah, he is not my kind of guy, and not my kind of kisser. He's a sweetheart, but yeah. blondbeef is just about to hit the end of the road if you ask me.
Lacey: I know. I agree. I feel bad saying it because he seems to be a genuinely good guy and I have nothing against him. I'm just not seeing it.
Lorraine: on to the amazing, incredible, mortifying group date?
Lacey: I don't want to... It was too bad. It was so embarrassing. I know we must.
Lorraine: Let's start with the neutral territory to ease in.
I believe the cart horses were European Suffolk Punch Draughts. A rare breed known for their strong backs and ability to drag around many beefcakes at once.
Lacey: This is good. Yes. They pulled up to an amazing castle and began exploring. I got really jealous.
Lorraine: It was soooo beautiful. quite drafty for a woman who is clearly obsessed with being co-blanketed wherever she goes.
Lacey: Ha! She starts taking a little one on one time with the gentlemen, the first being single dad Doug. She takes him to the top of a high tower and they sit in the window seat as far apart as they can possibly get in such a tight spot.
Lorraine: which instantly leads to an inevitable "oops, sorry I touched your knee slightly while I was trying to fold my arms even tighter."
Lacey: And she's like, You're kidding, right? No? Okay! Time's up!
Lorraine: well played, Emily. Thinking that she is in the clear to the wild blue yonder, she leads her ever so affectionate suitor to the awaiting car around the corner.
Lacey: She begins to let him down slowly. She's in the middle of telling him "I just can't keep you away from your son any longer..." when out of the blue... I can't Lorraine. You say it.
Lorraine: he gives us this awesome line " I am feeling good, you know, and the more time I spend with her, the more.....time I want to spend with her." oh, you don't mean that part? YOU MEAN THE EVEN WORSE PART THAN THAT?
where he kisses her in the middle of her sentence, and then she says "thank you for that" and then he says "okay?"
Lacey: Ow!!! Oh, it's like a punch in the gut every time!!!
Lorraine: It was like watching the Bachelor and The Office at the same time.
Emily kisses Michael Scott.
Lacey: I wanted to die. It was so awkward. He finally gets the picture and says, "I feel really stupid for kissing you right then." Yeah, you and me both, pal.
Lorraine: "no, I don't want you to feel that way!" she says, and for the first time in their interactions together, Doug picks up on the proper subtext, to which he replies "MMMMMMM" which clearly means, clearly, I feel stupid.
Lacey: After he crawls into the warm, dry car he tells us, "I was a day late and a dollar short," and "I think my girl radar is totally broken." YA THINK!?!
Oh... And now he's crying.
Lorraine: no, please, stop, Doug.
and please....do not teach me how to Dougie.
So we return to the 2 on 1, which in all of its amazingness comes with a 1-2 punch of most favorite bachelor lines ever. I had to rewatch just to write them down properly.
Lacey: Do tell!
Lorraine: Ahem, from NERVOUSWRECKCHRIS: "getting the rose will mean she wants to meet my family, and I feel like that will make me the best man so far."
followed immediately by Blondbeef Sean's "That's a big key. A man's key."
Lacey: Ha ha!
Lorraine: I don't know that any two sentences made less sense or better showcased exactly who two people are.
Lacey: Amen to that!
When she gave Sean that rose, Chris's descent into madness kicked into hyper speed. Oh, the look on his face.
Lorraine: I don't know who was more relieved to see that date end, Emily, or America. certainly not Chris.
Lacey: On to the best date of my life, and I wasn't even on it.
Lorraine: you and me both. if only dan didn't hate the bachelor, so I could convince him to recreate that very date with me.
Lacey: They started their date in a marionette shop. How charming is that? Jef proves he's got some serious puppeteering skills by moonwalking a Michael Jackson puppet. Aw yeah!
Lorraine: he has clearly had practice at both moonwalking and puppeteering. he is also insanely witty and charmingly self effacing. I don't know how she can stand it.
Lacey: I know, poor girl. So they chose a prince and princess puppet to represent themselves and left the shop. But wait! Jef forgot something!
He went back into the shop and bought a little princess puppet for Ricki! How thoughtful it that?!
"Couldn't leave little Ricki hangin" I love it.
Lorraine: Little, tender Ricki. and if that didn't set mamma's heart aflutter, nothing would.
Lorraine: there was some very charming scene recreating their best scenes, which was delightful, but really really really hard to remember clearly after watching them talk, cuddle, and make out on the floor of a gorgeous library. NEW BUCKET LIST ITEM.
Lorraine: uh, I mean, not really, cause...that's your brother.
gross. I'm sorry.
let's move on.
BACK TO JEF.
Lacey: Yeah. Ew, Lorraine. The second Jef said "Having puppets makes it easier to express big feelings" that scene from What About Bob popped in my head. The hand puppets? "It's been a long time since I had a talk with my daughter."
Lorraine: "Daddy, not here!" "Anna! Anna!"
it's true. I guess Dr. Leo Marvin was right about the puppets!
Lacey: I loved the shaking in his shoes on the night he met her. And "I like your nailpolish." And throwing his hands in disgust, "Why didn't I kiss her?! Ugh!" Too precious.
Lorraine: oh you remembered the deets so much better than I. I outright laughed at the nail polish. divine.
Lacey: And best of all "I love you a hundred... million percent so I was wondering... Can we get a dog together?" I die!
Lorraine: Can we get an AWWWW, bachatelors??
Lacey: AWWWWWWWWW! You know you're a good match for someone when you just lay on the floor and talk about stuff and have a good time. I loved the honesty of the conversation. It was like real life.
Lorraine: It totally was. I think this is where we have to tell our readers, a la Chris Harrison, the truth. Readers, as you may have heard, there was an off camera scene between Lorraine and Lacey where they discussed the religious background of Jef, and the fact that he's an inactive Mormon, and that his parents are on a Mish.
Lacey: That's the "committment" of which he spoke, and the reason they won't be there when he takes her back to his hometown.
Don't worry. We're totally not stalkers.
Okay, maybe a little.
Lorraine: in a very naturally curious way, not a "we would keep your kleenex way"
Lacey: Speak for yourself.
Lorraine: which I think made their conversation about living together all the more revealing. My heart was pounding for him. he clearly was trying to walk the fascinating line between honoring his past and trying to figure out who he will be in the future, and it's kind of amazing to be watching it on the Bachelorette.
Lacey: I think it's awesome that their values align. They have the same outlook on the living together subject, they both want a family ASAP.
Lorraine: they really seem to, I feel like in a lot of ways, an edgy mo and your average southern christian have a lot in common, and it's kind of beautiful.
oh listen to us.
Lacey: I love that they match so well, regardless of specific denomination. It works.
Anyway, the date ends with one of my favorite sentences ever spoken by Jef, "I wanna date you so hard and marry the____ out of you." Make out! YES, Jef! YES!!!
Lorraine: YEAH!!!! you go Jef!!! We also want to marry you so hard.
Lacey: In a nutshell, TEAM JEF!!!
Lorraine: so much it hurts, team Jef.
Are we to the uber awkward rose ceremony?
Lacey: Yeah. Chris realizes that maybe the way to a woman's heart is not by confronting her and acting possessive and pig-headed. Women don't actually love that.
Lorraine: Chrissy McFidgets was drivin me nuts.
Lacey: Wolfie got in his head real good!
Lorraine: I thought his head was gonna pop off towards the end of that.
Oh, the more and more that Wolfie talked about how confident he was, the more I felt like the Producers couldn't have written a better ending if they'd tried.
even with Chrissy McFidget self destructing in the corner (someone get that man a stiff beverage-milk perhaps) it seemed like they had just way too many lines of John talking about how confident he was for it to be that cut and dry.
Lacey: His little prepared speech to her actually wasn't bad. It was pretty good, in fact. I don't think it changed her mind, though. I think sending Wolfie home was her plan all along, but it was good of him to apologize.
Lorraine: your point is good. he clearly rehashed that speech a few thousand manic times, but it was worth it. Came out good.
Lacey: And with that, Emily gives the rose to Chris and finishes the job she should've done last week in Croatia.
Lorraine: Most def. Send the stragglers home, and let's get on to St. George! I mean, uh, all the home towns!
Lacey: One look at St. George and she'll be sold (hopefully). If not, she doesn't deserve southern Utah!