Thursday, June 28, 2012

Episode 7:

No Strings Attached


A Man's Key and A Mormon

Lacey:  ‪I'M IN LOVE WITH JEF!  What can I do?!?!

Lorraine:  ‪he is really, really something.  I have NO idea how she is going to choose between him and Arie.  because let's be honest, they are the frontrunners.

Lacey:  ‪Definitely.  I can't stand thinking about it.  I can safely say already that I will cry during the finale.  It rarely happens.  This time it definitely will.  It's going to be brutal.

Lorraine:  ‪agreed.

Lacey:  ‪But I'm getting ahead of myself here.  Prague!  I've always wanted to go.  I want to go even more now.  Beautiful city.

Lorraine:  ‪Indeed.  it is, in fact, BLECH, "the perfect place to fall in love"
and prague looks good on this set of boys, doesn't it?  she's finally narrowed it down to a charming groupage.

Lacey:  ‪It's true.  I didn't dislike anybody left this week.

Lorraine:  ‪Also, if I hear Chris Harrison say one more time that "this is by far the biggest week", I will hurl. Yes, CH. Every week that goes by is bigger. we get it. I'm going to blame it on the distraction of his crumbling marriage.

Lacey:  ‪Sad :(  So let's start with date #1 shall we?  "Let's Czech out Prague together."  Soooo clever!
‪They both step out looking super stylin'- she in her sparkly short shorts, and he is his leather elbow-patch blazer.

Lorraine:  ‪yes, they looked excellent. I wasn't sure what was showing more on Emily this date: her gams, or her crazy.  Brad really did a number on her.

Lacey:  ‪I know!  I was getting frustrated because she's obviously crazy about Arie: "I like to kiss Arie a lot, which I think I show him a lot, by kissing him a lot."  But instead of just asking him about his history with the producer, she was being all cryptic and letting her doubts and insecurities run wild.

Lorraine:  ‪wilder than a hood rat in West Virginny.

Lacey:  ‪Poor guy.  He's not a mind reader!  I'll bet he was like, "Why the heck does she keep asking me about loyalty and honesty over and over?!  What does she want me to say?!  I guess I'll confess to the tattoo on my arm."

Lorraine:  That was the most painfully slapped together on/off camera drama I have ever seen on national TV.  I felt like I was watching Channel 1 again.

Lacey:  ‪ Seriously though.  How come they turned to camera off for the good conversation?  Chris Harrison had a lot of patching up to do.

Lorraine:  ‪did he ever. well done, future Bachelor

Lacey:  ‪So now we understand that Arie didn't even think of having dated someone briefly ten years ago as an issue, and Emily doesn't even care any more.  We pick back up with them gazing at each other with love lights in their eyes.

Lorraine:  ‪Can I be totally honest?  I think Arie might be peaking out right about here. I think there is danger in their fire burning out early. I feel like she has to make drama to keep their relationship interesting, and I don't know if it's got the potential to go all the way.
‪it's like infatuation without really being love. It takes Prague, and fireworks, and high stakes drama, and Arie saying "this is so cool, that is so cool, that church is really cool" for them to feel close, and I, personally, would be bored to tears.

Lacey:  ‪Interesting take.  They've been so hot and heavy that I hadn't really thought about it.  For me it seems like she and Jef have a stronger real-life foundation.  You could be right, unless lust conquers all, as it usually does on this show.

Lorraine:  ‪I don't know how real love could ever conquer in 5 weeks.

Lacey:  ‪She likes him so much that she keeps ruining the rose ceremonies!  For the last 2 weeks she's outright told him that he's moving on to next week.  Is this allowed?

Lorraine:  ‪Chris Harrison says there are no rules!
except that, clearly, there must be a certain percentage of hotpants on this show.  that's the only rule.

Lacey:  ‪She also may have given away the ending.  Remember?  "If things keep going this way, nothing would make me happier."  And... they make out under the fireworks.

Lorraine:  ‪hopefully the racecars next week will traumatize her back into reality.

Lacey:  ‪Shall we move on to the the most BLECH date ever?

Lorraine:  ‪ohhhhh poor John.  frankly, I don't think it's fair to say he didn't move forward because he didn't open up. clearly, this man was telling her every deep dark, remotely interesting secret that he could come up with.
they just have absolutely no chemistry.  in fact, they are two very nice oil and waters. the finest olive oil from Spain, and the nicest Figi Water ever bottled. and they do not go.

Lacey:  ‪I agree.  There was no spark there at all.  Not to mention that they were completely doomed when they couldn't get the padlock to close on the fence.  No everlasting love for you!

Lorraine:  ‪most definitely not. As John Lennon would have said if he were there, "all you need is love, unless it's really sad boring love, and then you need ice cream."

Lacey:  ‪And Doritos.

Lorraine:  ‪and probably a really good chick flick.

Lacey:  Again they do dinner in the creepiest place in the world.  I really wouldn't want to eat in a place where people suffered and were tortured and died horrible deaths.  I can't imagine a less romantic situation.

Lorraine:  I second your motion, we must stop dining in torture chambers just because they are "intimate"
what did you think of Sean "running around" and "finding" Emily walking home in her heels to her hotel on what just happened to be a romantic quiet abandoned and well lit alleyway?

Lacey:  ‪I don't mind a little homage to "A Streetcar Named Desire".  "Emily!   EMILY!!!"

Lorraine:  ‪ahhhh yes, I knew that desperate cry was familiar!

Lacey:  ‪Here's the thing.  I don't like when Sean and Emily kiss.  It's weird to me.  Maybe a little junior high.  He goes from these little pecks to practically licking her face.  Ew.  Not magical.

Lorraine:  ‪yeah, he is not my kind of guy, and not my kind of kisser. He's a sweetheart, but yeah.  blondbeef is just about to hit the end of the road if you ask me.

Lacey:  ‪I know.  I agree.  I feel bad saying it because he seems to be a genuinely good guy and I have nothing against him.  I'm just not seeing it.

Lorraine:  ‪on to the amazing, incredible, mortifying group date?

Lacey:  ‪I don't want to...  It was too bad.  It was so embarrassing.  I know we must.

Lorraine:  ‪Let's start with the neutral territory to ease in.
I believe the cart horses were European Suffolk Punch Draughts.  A rare breed known for their strong backs and ability to drag around many beefcakes at once.

Lacey:  ‪This is good.  Yes.  They pulled up to an amazing castle and began exploring.  I got really jealous.

Lorraine:  ‪It was soooo beautiful.  quite drafty for a woman who is clearly obsessed with being co-blanketed wherever she goes.

Lacey:  ‪Ha!  She starts taking a little one on one time with the gentlemen, the first being single dad Doug.  She takes him to the top of a high tower and they sit in the window seat as far apart as they can possibly get in such a tight spot.

Lorraine:  ‪which instantly leads to an inevitable "oops, sorry I touched your knee slightly while I was trying to fold my arms even tighter."

Lacey:  ‪And she's like, You're kidding, right?  No?  Okay!  Time's up!

Lorraine:  ‪well played, Emily. Thinking that she is in the clear to the wild blue yonder, she leads her ever so affectionate suitor to the awaiting car around the corner.

Lacey:  ‪She begins to let him down slowly.  She's in the middle of telling him "I just can't keep you away from your son any longer..." when out of the blue...  I can't Lorraine.  You say it.

Lorraine:  he gives us this awesome line " I am feeling good, you know, and the more time I spend with her, the more.....time I want to spend with her." oh, you don't mean that part? YOU MEAN THE EVEN WORSE PART THAN THAT?

‪where he kisses her in the middle of her sentence, and then she says "thank you for that" and then he says "okay?"

Lacey:  ‪Ow!!!  Oh, it's like a punch in the gut every time!!!

Lorraine:  ‪It was like watching the Bachelor and The Office at the same time.
Emily kisses Michael Scott.

Lacey:  ‪I wanted to die.  It was so awkward.  He finally gets the picture and says, "I feel really stupid for kissing you right then."  Yeah, you and me both, pal.

Lorraine:  ‪"no, I don't want you to feel that way!" she says, and for the first time in their interactions together, Doug picks up on the proper subtext, to which he replies "MMMMMMM" which clearly means, clearly, I feel stupid.

Lacey:  ‪After he crawls into the warm, dry car he tells us, "I was a day late and a dollar short," and "I think my girl radar is totally broken."  YA THINK!?!
Oh...  And now he's crying.

Lorraine:  ‪no, please, stop, Doug.
don't cry.
and not teach me how to Dougie.

‪So we return to the 2 on 1, which in all of its amazingness comes with a 1-2 punch of most favorite bachelor lines ever. I had to rewatch just to write them down properly.

Lacey:  ‪Do tell!

Lorraine:  ‪Ahem, from NERVOUSWRECKCHRIS: "getting the rose will mean she wants to meet my family, and I feel like that will make me the best man so far."
followed immediately by Blondbeef Sean's "That's a big key. A man's key."

Lacey:  ‪Ha ha!

Lorraine:  ‪I don't know that any two sentences made less sense or better showcased exactly who two people are.

Lacey:  ‪Amen to that!

‪When she gave Sean that rose, Chris's descent into madness kicked into hyper speed.  Oh, the look on his face.

Lorraine:  ‪I don't know who was more relieved to see that date end, Emily, or America. certainly not Chris.

Lacey:  ‪On to the best date of my life, and I wasn't even on it.

Lorraine:  ‪you and me both.  if only dan didn't hate the bachelor, so I could convince him to recreate that very date with me.

Lacey:  ‪They started their date in a marionette shop.  How charming is that?  Jef proves he's got some serious puppeteering skills by moonwalking a Michael Jackson puppet.  Aw yeah!

Lorraine:  ‪he has clearly had practice at both moonwalking and puppeteering.  he is also insanely witty and charmingly self effacing.  I don't know how she can stand it.

Lacey:  ‪I know, poor girl.  So they chose a prince and princess puppet to represent themselves and left the shop.  But wait!  Jef forgot something!
He went back into the shop and bought a little princess puppet for Ricki!  How thoughtful it that?!
"Couldn't leave little Ricki hangin"  I love it.

Lorraine:  ‪Little, tender Ricki. and if that didn't set mamma's heart aflutter, nothing would.

Lorraine:  ‪there was some very charming scene recreating their best scenes, which was delightful, but really really really hard to remember clearly after watching them talk, cuddle, and make out on the floor of a gorgeous library. NEW BUCKET LIST ITEM.

Lorraine:  ‪uh, I mean, not really, cause...that's your brother.
gross. I'm sorry.
let's move on.

Lacey:  ‪Yeah. Ew, Lorraine.  The second Jef said "Having puppets makes it easier to express big feelings" that scene from What About Bob popped in my head.  The hand puppets?  "It's been a long time since I had a talk with my daughter."

Lorraine:  ‪"Daddy, not here!"  "Anna! Anna!"
it's true.  I guess Dr. Leo Marvin was right about the puppets!

Lacey:  ‪I loved the shaking in his shoes on the night he met her.  And "I like your nailpolish."  And throwing his hands in disgust, "Why didn't I kiss her?!  Ugh!"  Too precious.

Lorraine:  ‪oh you remembered the deets so much better than I.  I outright laughed at the nail polish. divine.

Lacey:  ‪And best of all "I love you a hundred... million percent so I was wondering...  Can we get a dog together?"  I die!

Lorraine:  ‪Can we get an AWWWW, bachatelors??

Lacey:  ‪AWWWWWWWWW!  ‪You know you're a good match for someone when you just lay on the floor and talk about stuff and have a good time.  I loved the honesty of the conversation.  It was like real life.

Lorraine:  ‪It totally was. I think this is where we have to tell our readers, a la Chris Harrison, the truth. Readers, as you may have heard, there was an off camera scene between Lorraine and Lacey where they discussed the religious background of Jef, and the fact that he's an inactive Mormon, and that his parents are on a Mish.

Lacey:  ‪That's the "committment" of which he spoke, and the reason they won't be there when he takes her back to his hometown.
Don't worry.  We're totally not stalkers.
Okay, maybe a little.

Lorraine:  ‪in a very naturally curious way, not a "we would keep your kleenex way"

Lacey:  ‪Speak for yourself.

Lorraine:  ‪hahaha!

Lorraine:  ‪which I think made their conversation about living together all the more revealing. My heart was pounding for him. he clearly was trying to walk the fascinating line between honoring his past and trying to figure out who he will be in the future, and it's kind of amazing to be watching it on the Bachelorette.

Lacey:  ‪I think it's awesome that their values align.  They have the same outlook on the living together subject, they both want a family ASAP.

Lorraine:  ‪they really seem to, I feel like in a lot of ways, an edgy mo and your average southern christian have a lot in common, and it's kind of beautiful.
oh listen to us.

Lacey:  ‪I love that they match so well, regardless of specific denomination.  It works.
Anyway, the date ends with one of my favorite sentences ever spoken by Jef, "I wanna date you so hard and marry the____ out of you."  Make out!  YES, Jef!  YES!!!

Lorraine:  YEAH!!!! you go Jef!!!  We also want to marry you so hard.

Lacey:  In a nutshell, TEAM JEF!!!

Lorraine:  ‪so much it hurts, team Jef.
Are we to the uber awkward rose ceremony?

Lacey:  ‪Yeah.  Chris realizes that maybe the way to a woman's heart is not by confronting her and acting possessive and pig-headed.  Women don't actually love that.

Lorraine:  ‪Chrissy McFidgets was drivin me nuts.

Lacey:  ‪Wolfie got in his head real good!

Lorraine:  ‪I thought his head was gonna pop off towards the end of that.
Oh, the more and more that Wolfie talked about how confident he was, the more I felt like the Producers couldn't have written a better ending if they'd tried.
‪even with Chrissy McFidget self destructing in the corner (someone get that man a stiff beverage-milk perhaps) it seemed like they had just way too many lines of John talking about how confident he was for it to be that cut and dry.

Lacey:  ‪His little prepared speech to her actually wasn't bad.  It was pretty good, in fact.  I don't think it changed her mind, though.  I think sending Wolfie home was her plan all along, but it was good of him to apologize.

Lorraine:  ‪your point is good.  he clearly rehashed that speech a few thousand manic times, but it was worth it. Came out good.

Lacey:  ‪And with that, Emily gives the rose to Chris and finishes the job she should've done last week in Croatia.

Lorraine:  ‪Most def. Send the stragglers home, and let's get on to St. George! I mean, uh, all the home towns!

Lacey:  ‪One look at St. George and she'll be sold (hopefully).  If not, she doesn't deserve southern Utah!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Episode 6:

Tank Tops, Kilts, and Trophy Dresses, Oh My.


Up Against a Wall

Lacey: Alright. We begin this week in Dubrovnik, Croatia, the perfect place for Jef to fall in love.

It looks amazing. I may just have to add it to my bucket list.

Lorraine: Nothing says romance like a newly formed country recovering from a racial/religious cleansing that looks old and has a beach!

but no really, Croatia is pretty awesome.

I will go to there with you.

Lacey: Done! We meet the guys in their hotel room. Beefcake's hair is looking extra tufty today. Also, he's wearing the most horrifyingly awful women's tank top in history. What was that?!?!

Lorraine: I'm pretty sure it was a halter top.

That I own.

Lacey: I almost died. I'm sure it looks fabulous on you. On him?... I'd rather vomit.

Lorraine: I think he thought it was a fancy wifebeater.

He got it from the same bargain bin as Michael Scott's lady suit.

Lacey: It was a POWER SUIT, Lorraine!

So Emily shows up and gives the first one-on-one date card to Travis, who then changes into his favorite jeans, which I believe had beading and embroidery on the back pockets. I almost died again.


Lorraine: He is about one hit song short of Rascall Flats, that one.

they wander seemingly aimlessly around Dubrovnik until encountering the Balancing Stone of Love, which seems to be the utterly painful theme of the one-on-one dates this season.

Lacey: I thought it was cute when they were dancing in the street. Also, have you noticed how much thicker her accent gets when she's with him?

Lorraine: YES! her accent is definitely dependent on company.

it's charming.

Lacey: It really is. These two clearly enjoy each other and have a fun time together, but it was obvious that he was in the friend zone. If only he'd been able to balance on the stone long enough to remove his jacket, the end of the date might have been different.

Lorraine: Yes. If she could have seen what was under that shirt, maybe she would have....felt a spark....?

Lacey: Could be. We'll never know now. All we do know is that his exit speech was the saddest ever! "I don't want to waste her time." Aw! Don't say that!

Lorraine: he just didn't have the confidence for a woman like her. it was sad. but, I can't blame him. being hot enough for Emily is kind of a lot of pressure.

Lacey: So he walks down the street in the pouring rain and dramatically thrusts his umbrella by the wayside. And thus we say farewell to the egg guy.

Lorraine: Poor Travis. And poor Shelley. She lost her egg life for naught.

Lacey: Yay! Okay. Group date time!

Or as I like to call it the extended product placement hour!

Lorraine: I will admit, that movie looks darn cute.

but the product placement was egregious.

Lacey: It does look darling. Let's skip to the part where the guys change into their kilts! Hello!!!

Lorraine: ahem, I'm a married woman, so I won't comment on how much I appreciated Jef in a kilt. Not at all.

la le la le.

Lacey: I wonder if there's a clause in their contracts stating that they must be willing to be shown half naked while changing.

Lorraine: I guarantee there is.

Lacey: I found myself wondering if any of the guys decided to go True Scotsman under their kilts. If you're not, you're just a dude in a plaid skirt.

Lorraine: rawr.

Poor little Chris, bless his heart.

Lacey: I know! His stance while shooting the bow! That was excellent!

Lorraine: If that wasn't bad enough, he couldn't get his little log to go round and round

the highland games were not kind to him.

Lacey: It was obvious going in that little Jef probably wouldn't make it over, but Chris... And Sean! Snapped his log right in two!

I wonder how many hours a day he spends in the gym?

Lorraine: As many hours as Emily spends with her child, I'm guessing.

Lacey: And Chris goes and challenges Hulk/Doug in the stick pull. What was he thinking?

Lorraine: It's like he KNEW there was a bravery cup on the line.

Lacey: He's either got his head WAY in the game or way out of it.

Not sure which.

Lorraine: Or as Chris called it, "the award for bravery", "the bravest man award" and "the bravest man mug." And yet, somehow, miraculously, he did not seem to notice that he received not one but TWO consolation gifts from Emily. It was so clearly a matter of consolation, and he so entirely missed that. he was darn proud

Lacey: Emily is the nicest girl ever. She's a mama. A nurturer through and through.

She seems to think him super handsome. I'm not so sure I agree with her 100%. Is that mean?

Lorraine: no, I agree. I think he's got kind of a dufus thing going on.

"doyyyyy, uhhhhh, I'm totally ready to fall in love..."

Lacey: Now let's talk about the part where she and Arie go for a little walk... "Let's look in this darkened shop window."

Lorraine: oh man.

Lacey: Lorraine, don't make fun of me, but that kiss gave me chills!

Lorraine: they are so hot for each other.

Lacey: It was AMAZING!!!

Lorraine: Um, yeah.

I started booking 2 tickets to Dubrovnik right about then, but Dan stopped me.

HIS. LOSS. Now he'll never know.

Lacey: It was mm mm, good.

Lorraine: yup. nuff said.

Lacey: Then Jef comes in with another fabulously sweet line making it a one-two punch. "You give me feelings that people write novels about."

Yes, Jef! First he offers her his jacket, then that... He's making a very strong showing!

Lorraine: It is going to KILL me when she breaks his heart to marry the racecar driver. It actually makes me a little bit sick.

Lacey: It'll probably be the toughest good-bye ever. Man, he's a sweetheart!

Shall we move on to Beefcake sculpting his facial hair?

Lorraine: PLEASE.

Lacey: Can I say again before we carry on I can't stand this guy?

Lorraine: I was hoping that #12 on his list was "someone to shave triangles into my beard,” but to no avail.

Lacey: He scares me a little. When he was pleading his case for staying he was so manipulative and condescending and he wouldn't let her talk. It was painful to watch!

Lorraine: he actually reminds me of a really good friend of mine, so I have a soft spot for him- his arrogance over time could be endearing (as it is with my friend) but the d-bag seems to really override it

It's one thing to be charmingly confident. another altogether to be a jerk about it.

Lacey: I was so afraid she wasn't going to trust her instincts and give him another shot. Nice job, producers. You got me good!

Lorraine: totally. they had me.

Also, somehow they only ended up showing about 5 minutes of that date leading up to her kicking him off, which was mildly hilarious.

Lacey: It's true! We would be remiss if we didn't mention Emily nearly puking up her lunch.

Lorraine: they have some good times, but clearly they are in TOTALLY different places in life.

haha, yes, that was unfortunate. somehow she still looked cute doing it,

he really doesn't want 10 babies yesterday, so it was best to send him home now.

Lacey: The other guys REALLY didn't like him! It cuts to them cheering and high-fiving. Wow.

Lorraine: I LOVED that! "those guys and I were pretty tight"


Lacey: Any dude that takes 3 hours to get ready and who plucks his finger hairs needs to reassess his priorities.

Lorraine: OUCH, by the way.

Lacey: Yeah.

Lorraine: and Emily's reward for making the right choice? Arie in her bed. GOOD. ON’YA.

Lacey: Heck yes!!!

Do they not look like they've already been a couple forever? They're so comfortable together.

Again, why don't we just wrap this season up now?

Arie gets Ryan's rose for his trouble. Double prizes!

Lorraine: how convenient she brought that rose home with her too!

well played, again, producers.

The cocktail party was uncomfortable to me on a lot of levels. I just don't get the attraction to John, personally, but I respect that she likes what she sees in his heart. Doug, well, we'll just have to see where that goes.

Lacey: Ugh. Her convo with Doug was almost as awkward as Ben's kissing lessons with Jamie. It was just so bad!

He needs to snap out of it!

John's little moment with the funeral cards was kind of special. She couldn't send him home after that.

I'll say though, that they got me again with that last rose business! I thought she was going to send them both away!

But for Emily, there are no rules.

Lorraine: absolutely. you break whatever you want Emily. the producers will walk coals for her.

Lacey: The relieved smiles on their faces were sweet. I was happy for them.

Lorraine: not to mention, they're happy to keep a spare man or two on hand. that just means more episodes!

(I guess you and I aren't complaining about that either.)

Lacey: Hooray! That or a major blood bath next week.

 So we're moving on to Prague. I want to go there SO BADLY!!! I'm afraid this episode will only add fuel to my flame of longing. Someday. Someday.

Lorraine: Another great city, for sure. I'm so glad they're giving eastern Europe proper romantic street cred!

Lacey:  Also, apparently we'll be dealing with some Arie drama that I hadn't even heard about.  Has it been in tabloids and stuff?  I avoid spoilers like the plague, so I'm caught off guard!

Lorraine:  I haven't a clue.

you and I will both jump in full bore next week to see if wars and rumors of wars can come between our southern belle and her frontrunner.

Lacey:  I certainly hope not!

Friday, June 15, 2012

Episode 5 with a Personal Intermission

‪Lorraine: Let it be said, Lacey, that this episode of the Bachelorette was practically written and designed for the particular entertainment of yours and mine truly.  Shakespeare, London, Scripted and therefore forced kissing, The death of Kalon's 15 minutes of fame, and of course, 20 insatiable minutes with Utah Valley's own soulful PeopleWaterJef.

Lacey: So true! This episode was jam packed with equal parts delightful, horrible, and ridiculous moments. Loved it!

Lorraine: one of the best.

Lacey: For sure. Let's begin with Chris Harrison freaking all the dudes out by reminding them that one of them WILL be Emily's husband. That's right. He said it.

Then they all retreat into a hotel room with an Ikea lamp in the corner. I know this because I have that lamp. Classy.

Lorraine: YES! A very auspicious beginning to London.  And Sean, one of my only original picks still standing, gets le big date card!

‪ Lacey: I loved how he could not keep it cool and contain his grin when he got the one on one. Awwww!

Lorraine: Too cute.

Lacey: And they're off! Cruising around the great city of London on a super cur double-decker bus, seeing all the sights!

Lorraine: We can just ignore that Emily did a dry run of this with a six-year old already, right?  right.

Lacey: She had to practice her tour guide skills the first time around. This was my favorite: Sean (looking at world renown landmark, Big Ben) "I feel like I should know what that is." Ya think?

Lorraine: He has apparently never seen any movie ever- not Peter Pan, not V for Vendetta, not the Lindsay Lohan version of the Parent Trap, not, well, anything ever made in London. CLEARLY.  well played, Blondbeef.  and then moved on to ruining every memory I have of Kate and William at Buckingham Palace.

Lacey: Couple of the decade, Sean and Emily are not. But then we get to the great part where they "happen" to stumble on to a place called Speaker's Corner and Sean gives an "impromptu" speech about love.

‪Lorraine: That, that was awful.

Lacey: I SWEAR he was reading off cue cards. Either that or he's had that speech prepared for years waiting for the perfect opportunity to perform it.

Lorraine: What I really want to know is why Sean speaking loudly (or from cue cards) suddenly makes him have an accent slightly smacking of one Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.?

Lacey: Public speaking will do that to a man. He starts feeding off the energy of the crowd and it's unstoppable. The power!  And how about dinner in the Tower of London? How romantic... I hope their light meal and forced conversation is interrupted by the vicious, angry spirits of the tortured souls who endured horrors in there.

‪Lorraine: UGH.  I really like Emily, especially in this episode, but listening to her pretend to know stuff about the Tower of London actually made my ears bleed and rusty nails shoot out my nose.  Did she actually say "King Henry lived here"?  Because I think she did.

Lacey: If she did, she eventually made it to the part where he actually sent his wives there to be confined and beheaded. But it took a minute!

Lorraine: We'll just gloss over the fact that there is more than one "King Henry" by a southern spoonful or two, but that's a matter for another day. Let's get to the part where she wants kids yesterday.

Lacey: Sean says, "I always thought, like two maybe..." Her eyes glaze over. "But I'm open! I'm open." Mmm hmm.

‪Lorraine: That was a lucky save.  He saw her uterus start to glow a furnacey red and he managed to pull a fast one.

Lacey: Ha!!!

‪Lorraine: I like Sean, I just don't see much there at the end of the day. He's a humbler, more religious Beefcake. ergo, Blondbeef.

Lacey: You can tell when they kiss there's just not a whole lot of spark there. Even though she said he gives her "butterflies in her heart". Maybe it'll come. I don't know. Jury's still out on this one.

Lorraine: decidedly so. erstwhile, we see Kalon moping in the house, and, if you ask me, deciding to get back at Emily for not inviting him on any AWESOME dates by setting himself up to be kicked off the show using a burst of venemous blather.

Lacey: Definitely. He hit his rich boy self-destruct button. I cannot get over the gall on this guy.

Lorraine: He just might be worse than Bentley.

Lacey: Ooooh. I don't know... It's close, but remember when Bentley full on smirked at the camera while Ashley was snuggling with him and not looking? They both earn D-Bag of the Year trophies for sure.

Lorraine: that's fair.

Lacey: Let's get to the next date card. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." One of the guys says, "What does that even mean?!" And I take a moment of silence for the education system.

‪Lorraine: A long, cold, wintery silence.

‪Lacey: The bilingual guy calls it. 10 points for Alejandro.

‪Lorraine: he'll need those later.  This date was a masterpiece, thanks solely to the efforts of Travis, Arie and Doug.  mostly for their behind the scenes horror at what they were doing for "love"

Lacey: Now I want to know WHY, OH WHY our lovely Shakespeare experts and their delightful British accents didn't correct Kalon when he kept screwing up the line! "It IS the east and Juliet is the sun." It's a STATEMENT, not a question, rich boy!

Lorraine: MR. SERIOUS.  and his middle name isn't even "smart" or "do it right". just. serious.

‪Lacey: And as cute as Arie is, he needs to invest in a word of the day calendar or something. Jaunt and Poultice are not hard words.

‪Lorraine: ohhhh that was BAD.  but, best quote of the day? hands down.  it's gotta go to the T man, former owner of an egg.

‪Lacey: Oh yes! Our ray of sunshine on this date!

‪Lorraine: "Shakespeare is HEEEYUGE in Madison Mississippi. I mean HEEEYUGE."

‪Lacey: Ha ha!  A-dorable!

‪Lorraine: "Fraw-day nights, whin thars nuthin to do, Aw jist sit at home and read me some Shakespeare."

and Doug is still kind of a weirdo, but props for the line "I'm going to be the best d@mn woman I can be." You go, Glen Coco.

‪Lacey: Stop it! You're killing me!  Then KALON has the audacity to literally shoo Emily and tell her, "We need to get back to rehearsals" in the jerkiest way possible. My jaw dropped to the floor! He was not even trying at that point!  I can't believe that guy.

‪Lorraine: I'm betting you right now that Kalon plays for the other team but has no plans to admit it. Only a man who is immune to a girl that hot could shoo a woman away to practice drama with a bunch of dudes.

‪Lacey: So Arie and Travis get an A++, Kalon gets an F-, Ryan gets a D for the unwanted make out sesh, and the others fall in the B-B+ range. Fair?

Now let's get to the juice at the after party.

‪Lorraine: yes please.

‪Lacey: Doug: "It's come to my attention that you referred to Rickie as baggage. Is this true?

Kalon: "Yes. And I make no apologies for it."  It's gonna hit the fan, kids!!!

I love feisty Emily. She wants to tear Kalon's limbs off and beat him with them. She's going to go "West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his @$$." Yeah yeah!

And the BEST of all, ever on this show, EVER was, "Hey let me finish. I love it when you talk, but not until I'm finished. I got that line from you."  I jumped up and cheered!

‪Lorraine: Sister was quick on her feet that night.




I know, we're at the good part. 

but lacey. 

I just ripped the butt of my dress clean in half.  and it is only one layer thick.

‪Lacey: What?!

‪Lorraine: and I am not wearing a slip.

‪Lacey: How?!?!  This is an emergency!!!!

‪Lorraine: I sat down, and it ripped.

Lacey: Oh my gosh!!!! What are you going to do?!

‪Lorraine: I have no idea.

‪Lacey: You can't very well ride the bus home with your butt showing!

‪Lorraine: thankfully, I drove today.  so I just have to get from my chair to my car without being seen.

Lacey: Thank goodness for that! But still you've got a whole parking lot to contend with. Yikes!

Lorraine: maybe I should just wait until, like, EVERYONE is gone???

‪Lacey: Surely someone has a sweater or something they can let you borrow to tie around your waist.

Lorraine: I think I'm going to survive. my colleague has a poncho.

thank heavens 80% of my office is girls with lots of layers.

‪Lacey: Oh, score!!!

‪Lorraine: NOW WHERE WERE WE???


‪Lacey: Emily tearing Kalon apart.

‪Lorraine: her whisper rage was kind of awesome.  never was there such a showdown at such low decibels on the Bachelor.

‪Lacey: It was brilliant. The juxtaposition of her voice to her wrath was very exciting to watch.

I'm not so sure she should've taken it out on the other guys the way she did after Kalon took his walk to the minivan and claimed to be "a stand up guy". Usually tattling backfires (see: Ben and other Emily).  Especially Arie. I hope it doesn't cast a pall, because I think they're the closest right now. I hope she forgives and moves on.

‪Lorraine: I agree. also, um, poor Doug? Again, I think Doug is a weirdo, but I wonder how he feels about her going on and on and on about how no one stood up for her or told her.

that awkward moment when Doug realizes what she means is "no one I have a crush on stood up for me or told me"

‪Lacey: So true. Kiss of death, Dougie. Now we should move on to the wonderful and adorable date with Jef and Jean the Etiquette Teacher.

‪Lorraine: 2 on 1 with JEAN!!!

‪Lacey: I loved when she almost had an aneurysm when he picked up the sandwich wrong. "NOOOOOO No no no no noooooooo!  She is intense about her tea parties.

‪Lorraine: I would have been SO ANNOYED.  they lasted so much longer than I would have.

‪Lacey: I'm glad they "spontaneously bolted" because their convo in the pub seemed, dare I say almost.... real.

‪Lorraine: It DID seem real. I didn't even mind that he ordered for her, it was so real!  that was bold on his part. played in his favor that time.

‪Lacey: He won himself a million points when he told Emily his Kalon experience. This gem, "If Rickie is baggage, she's a Chloe handbag I want to keep forever" will go down in history as the sweetest line in Bachelorette history.  He brought a big ol’ smile to her face!

‪Lorraine: SO PERFECT. I like him greatly.  I kind of wish he was in my family.  I thought their dessert conversation was so honest and interesting (um and AMAZING, at the top of the London Eye???)

‪Lacey: It really was incredible. If only they had A: kissed up there or B: eaten those delicious looking desserts, it would've been more worthwhile.

Lorraine: May I add a C? I have a C.

‪Lacey: Please do.

‪Lorraine: Or C: If she had actually been able to maintain eye contact with him, because there was like 6 different shots of her clearly trying to listen him but clearly being distracted by what could only have been the infamous 3 foot tall London Eye Wolf Spider sent to haunt american blondes trapped in globes in middair. WHAT WAS SHE LOOKING AT??

Lacey: They made up for it at the pier, though. Good-looking kiss. I'm just sayin'.

Lorraine: oh, the kissing, amazing. I got twitter pated.  In fact, my note for the end of their date was "I am so embarrassed that the Bachelorette gave me goosebumps. THE SHAME."

‪‪Lacey: I love it! YAY!!! Jef FTW! All in all, he is well-spoken, charming and completely precious. Excellent date.

So we end the episode with Emily suddenly liking Beefcake now? How did we get here? Did I miss something? Oh well, definitely won't last.

‪Lorraine: yeah. I think she's hauling him along so she can properly humiliate him later.

‪Lacey: And no surprise, Alejandro gets the boot.

‪Lorraine: Finally.  I think she gave Arie the last rose as a warning, but I think he's going to the end.

‪Lacey: Me too.

Lorraine: in the end, she can't help herself. She's moving at the Speed of Skinnydipper there, haha

Lacey: I thought Alejandro's exit was very gentlemanly. Good guy. Weird hair, but good guy.

‪Lorraine: Your thought on Alejandro is seconded and moved to the house floor for unanimous approval.  He is a weird gentleman deserving of a mushroom farmerette.

‪Lacey: Anything else?

‪Lorraine: That does it! On to a city I was THIS CLOSE to visiting and didn't. what a pity.

‪Lacey: It'll be gorgeous.

Of note: Lorraine did manage to escape about an hour after work, when everyone had finally left. Praise the Poncho.