Lorraine: Let it be said, Lacey, that this episode of the Bachelorette was practically written and designed for the particular entertainment of yours and mine truly. Shakespeare, London, Scripted and therefore forced kissing, The death of Kalon's 15 minutes of fame, and of course, 20 insatiable minutes with Utah Valley's own soulful PeopleWaterJef.
Lacey: So true! This episode was jam packed with equal parts delightful, horrible, and ridiculous moments. Loved it!
Lorraine: one of the best.
Lacey: For sure. Let's begin with Chris Harrison freaking all the dudes out by reminding them that one of them WILL be Emily's husband. That's right. He said it.
Then they all retreat into a hotel room with an Ikea lamp in the corner. I know this because I have that lamp. Classy.
Lorraine: YES! A very auspicious beginning to London. And Sean, one of my only original picks still standing, gets le big date card!
Lacey: I loved how he could not keep it cool and contain his grin when he got the one on one. Awwww!
Lorraine: Too cute.
Lacey: And they're off! Cruising around the great city of London on a super cur double-decker bus, seeing all the sights!
Lorraine: We can just ignore that Emily did a dry run of this with a six-year old already, right? right.
Lacey: She had to practice her tour guide skills the first time around. This was my favorite: Sean (looking at world renown landmark, Big Ben) "I feel like I should know what that is." Ya think?
Lorraine: He has apparently never seen any movie ever- not Peter Pan, not V for Vendetta, not the Lindsay Lohan version of the Parent Trap, not, well, anything ever made in London. CLEARLY. well played, Blondbeef. and then moved on to ruining every memory I have of Kate and William at Buckingham Palace.
Lacey: Couple of the decade, Sean and Emily are not. But then we get to the great part where they "happen" to stumble on to a place called Speaker's Corner and Sean gives an "impromptu" speech about love.
Lorraine: That, that was awful.
Lacey: I SWEAR he was reading off cue cards. Either that or he's had that speech prepared for years waiting for the perfect opportunity to perform it.
Lorraine: What I really want to know is why Sean speaking loudly (or from cue cards) suddenly makes him have an accent slightly smacking of one Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.?
Lacey: Public speaking will do that to a man. He starts feeding off the energy of the crowd and it's unstoppable. The power! And how about dinner in the Tower of London? How romantic... I hope their light meal and forced conversation is interrupted by the vicious, angry spirits of the tortured souls who endured horrors in there.
Lorraine: UGH. I really like Emily, especially in this episode, but listening to her pretend to know stuff about the Tower of London actually made my ears bleed and rusty nails shoot out my nose. Did she actually say "King Henry lived here"? Because I think she did.
Lacey: If she did, she eventually made it to the part where he actually sent his wives there to be confined and beheaded. But it took a minute!
Lorraine: We'll just gloss over the fact that there is more than one "King Henry" by a southern spoonful or two, but that's a matter for another day. Let's get to the part where she wants kids yesterday.
Lacey: Sean says, "I always thought, like two maybe..." Her eyes glaze over. "But I'm open! I'm open." Mmm hmm.
Lorraine: That was a lucky save. He saw her uterus start to glow a furnacey red and he managed to pull a fast one.
Lorraine: I like Sean, I just don't see much there at the end of the day. He's a humbler, more religious Beefcake. ergo, Blondbeef.
Lacey: You can tell when they kiss there's just not a whole lot of spark there. Even though she said he gives her "butterflies in her heart". Maybe it'll come. I don't know. Jury's still out on this one.
Lorraine: decidedly so. erstwhile, we see Kalon moping in the house, and, if you ask me, deciding to get back at Emily for not inviting him on any AWESOME dates by setting himself up to be kicked off the show using a burst of venemous blather.
Lacey: Definitely. He hit his rich boy self-destruct button. I cannot get over the gall on this guy.
Lorraine: He just might be worse than Bentley.
Lacey: Ooooh. I don't know... It's close, but remember when Bentley full on smirked at the camera while Ashley was snuggling with him and not looking? They both earn D-Bag of the Year trophies for sure.
Lorraine: that's fair.
Lacey: Let's get to the next date card. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." One of the guys says, "What does that even mean?!" And I take a moment of silence for the education system.
Lorraine: A long, cold, wintery silence.
Lacey: The bilingual guy calls it. 10 points for Alejandro.
Lorraine: he'll need those later. This date was a masterpiece, thanks solely to the efforts of Travis, Arie and Doug. mostly for their behind the scenes horror at what they were doing for "love"
Lacey: Now I want to know WHY, OH WHY our lovely Shakespeare experts and their delightful British accents didn't correct Kalon when he kept screwing up the line! "It IS the east and Juliet is the sun." It's a STATEMENT, not a question, rich boy!
Lorraine: MR. SERIOUS. and his middle name isn't even "smart" or "do it right". just. serious.
Lacey: And as cute as Arie is, he needs to invest in a word of the day calendar or something. Jaunt and Poultice are not hard words.
Lorraine: ohhhh that was BAD. but, best quote of the day? hands down. it's gotta go to the T man, former owner of an egg.
Lacey: Oh yes! Our ray of sunshine on this date!
Lorraine: "Shakespeare is HEEEYUGE in Madison Mississippi. I mean HEEEYUGE."
Lacey: Ha ha! A-dorable!
Lorraine: "Fraw-day nights, whin thars nuthin to do, Aw jist sit at home and read me some Shakespeare."
and Doug is still kind of a weirdo, but props for the line "I'm going to be the best d@mn woman I can be." You go, Glen Coco.
Lacey: Stop it! You're killing me! Then KALON has the audacity to literally shoo Emily and tell her, "We need to get back to rehearsals" in the jerkiest way possible. My jaw dropped to the floor! He was not even trying at that point! I can't believe that guy.
Lorraine: I'm betting you right now that Kalon plays for the other team but has no plans to admit it. Only a man who is immune to a girl that hot could shoo a woman away to practice drama with a bunch of dudes.
Lacey: So Arie and Travis get an A++, Kalon gets an F-, Ryan gets a D for the unwanted make out sesh, and the others fall in the B-B+ range. Fair?
Now let's get to the juice at the after party.
Lorraine: yes please.
Lacey: Doug: "It's come to my attention that you referred to Rickie as baggage. Is this true?
Kalon: "Yes. And I make no apologies for it." It's gonna hit the fan, kids!!!
I love feisty Emily. She wants to tear Kalon's limbs off and beat him with them. She's going to go "West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his @$$." Yeah yeah!
And the BEST of all, ever on this show, EVER was, "Hey let me finish. I love it when you talk, but not until I'm finished. I got that line from you." I jumped up and cheered!
Lorraine: Sister was quick on her feet that night.
I know, we're at the good part.
I just ripped the butt of my dress clean in half. and it is only one layer thick.
Lorraine: and I am not wearing a slip.
Lacey: How?!?! This is an emergency!!!!
Lorraine: I sat down, and it ripped.
Lacey: Oh my gosh!!!! What are you going to do?!
Lorraine: I have no idea.
Lacey: You can't very well ride the bus home with your butt showing!
Lorraine: thankfully, I drove today. so I just have to get from my chair to my car without being seen.
Lacey: Thank goodness for that! But still you've got a whole parking lot to contend with. Yikes!
Lorraine: maybe I should just wait until, like, EVERYONE is gone???
Lacey: Surely someone has a sweater or something they can let you borrow to tie around your waist.
Lorraine: I think I'm going to survive. my colleague has a poncho.
thank heavens 80% of my office is girls with lots of layers.
Lacey: Oh, score!!!
Lorraine: NOW WHERE WERE WE???
*END OF BACHATLORETTE INTERMISSION*
Lacey: Emily tearing Kalon apart.
Lorraine: her whisper rage was kind of awesome. never was there such a showdown at such low decibels on the Bachelor.
Lacey: It was brilliant. The juxtaposition of her voice to her wrath was very exciting to watch.
I'm not so sure she should've taken it out on the other guys the way she did after Kalon took his walk to the minivan and claimed to be "a stand up guy". Usually tattling backfires (see: Ben and other Emily). Especially Arie. I hope it doesn't cast a pall, because I think they're the closest right now. I hope she forgives and moves on.
Lorraine: I agree. also, um, poor Doug? Again, I think Doug is a weirdo, but I wonder how he feels about her going on and on and on about how no one stood up for her or told her.
that awkward moment when Doug realizes what she means is "no one I have a crush on stood up for me or told me"
Lacey: So true. Kiss of death, Dougie. Now we should move on to the wonderful and adorable date with Jef and Jean the Etiquette Teacher.
Lorraine: 2 on 1 with JEAN!!!
Lacey: I loved when she almost had an aneurysm when he picked up the sandwich wrong. "NOOOOOO No no no no noooooooo! She is intense about her tea parties.
Lorraine: I would have been SO ANNOYED. they lasted so much longer than I would have.
Lacey: I'm glad they "spontaneously bolted" because their convo in the pub seemed, dare I say almost.... real.
Lorraine: It DID seem real. I didn't even mind that he ordered for her, it was so real! that was bold on his part. played in his favor that time.
Lacey: He won himself a million points when he told Emily his Kalon experience. This gem, "If Rickie is baggage, she's a Chloe handbag I want to keep forever" will go down in history as the sweetest line in Bachelorette history. He brought a big ol’ smile to her face!
Lorraine: SO PERFECT. I like him greatly. I kind of wish he was in my family. I thought their dessert conversation was so honest and interesting (um and AMAZING, at the top of the London Eye???)
Lacey: It really was incredible. If only they had A: kissed up there or B: eaten those delicious looking desserts, it would've been more worthwhile.
Lorraine: May I add a C? I have a C.
Lacey: Please do.
Lorraine: Or C: If she had actually been able to maintain eye contact with him, because there was like 6 different shots of her clearly trying to listen him but clearly being distracted by what could only have been the infamous 3 foot tall London Eye Wolf Spider sent to haunt american blondes trapped in globes in middair. WHAT WAS SHE LOOKING AT??
Lacey: They made up for it at the pier, though. Good-looking kiss. I'm just sayin'.
Lorraine: oh, the kissing, amazing. I got twitter pated. In fact, my note for the end of their date was "I am so embarrassed that the Bachelorette gave me goosebumps. THE SHAME."
Lacey: I love it! YAY!!! Jef FTW! All in all, he is well-spoken, charming and completely precious. Excellent date.
So we end the episode with Emily suddenly liking Beefcake now? How did we get here? Did I miss something? Oh well, definitely won't last.
Lorraine: yeah. I think she's hauling him along so she can properly humiliate him later.
Lacey: And no surprise, Alejandro gets the boot.
Lorraine: Finally. I think she gave Arie the last rose as a warning, but I think he's going to the end.
Lacey: Me too.
Lorraine: in the end, she can't help herself. She's moving at the Speed of Skinnydipper there, haha
Lacey: I thought Alejandro's exit was very gentlemanly. Good guy. Weird hair, but good guy.
Lorraine: Your thought on Alejandro is seconded and moved to the house floor for unanimous approval. He is a weird gentleman deserving of a mushroom farmerette.
Lacey: Anything else?
Lorraine: That does it! On to a city I was THIS CLOSE to visiting and didn't. what a pity.
Lacey: It'll be gorgeous.
Of note: Lorraine did manage to escape about an hour after work, when everyone had finally left. Praise the Poncho.