or,
Crying and Quinoa.
(We cannot take credit for the photo captions below, but we certainly appreciate what they add.)
Lacey: Good idea: Going to Bermuda. Bad
idea: Going to Bermuda during hurricane season.
Lorraine: I was genuinely surprised
there weren't MORE jokes about the Bermuda triangle.
Lacey: So what do you think was up with
all the boys riding up to the hotel on scooters? At first I was sure it
was a product placement thing, but no one ever said the brand of the scooters
or anything! It's straight up Bachelorette excess is what it is!
Lorraine: ridiculous. it was like they
were trying to get that whole Top Gun Volleyball Scene vibe, but no, they were
just monkeys on scooters.
But I echo their sentiment- Bermuda water, WOW.
Lacey: It's true. It was really
beautiful. I'd like to go there and make perfume and go sailing and eat
dinner in a cave. So we kick off with
grouchy ol' Doug. Dude has a temper!
Lorraine: He just seems to have no sense
of humour. I never trust a man who takes
himself too seriously.
Lacey: Remember how the big thing with
Brad was that he had a short fuse, but in the right circumstances he looked
like the perfect guy? I think history is repeating itself!
Lorraine: TOTALLY. Astute bachelor observation, comrade!
Lacey: But to be fair, Arie was pushing
his buttons on purpose. I thought it was
funny. Doug, obviously did not. I
love that he described it to Emily as "scolding" the guys. Yeah
if you call wigging out and physically intimidating people "scolding".
Lorraine: Ha! My favorite moment of every date is now the
inevitable moment when Emily says "I don't think I'd want to spend this
date with anyone else" She has
officially said it to pretty much every one of them. and this guy in a jewelry
shop. and to Ricky. And Ricky's pet crab.
Lacey: It's a big compliment, I'm sure. Let talk about the "Moon Bridge" which is little more than a circular stone trellis. Is there really so little to do in Bermuda? After they walked through Doug was like, "That was AWESOME! I could do that a hundred times!"
Lorraine: Lucky for Doug, the producers
learned their lesson last time they made a guy think of a wish on the fly.
"you can, uh, just keep this one to yourself."
Lacey: What did you think about their
little convo about faults and flaws? "I
spend too much time with my son." Get rid of him! Doug still clearly doesn't understand the
value of honesty and forthrightness, even at his ripe old age of 33.
Lorraine: yeah, his watery beady eyes
just don't do it for me. "my ex would say I spend too much time with my
son." REALLY, Doug? REALLY?
Lacey: But then, Emily's confessions
didn't make me all that happy either. "I don't work out."
Do you wanna see me cry, Emily?
Lorraine: right? not her best showing, definitely. Sometimes, she and her new fake boobs never get out of their pajamas ALL DAY. she does ERRANDS in them.
Lorraine: oh. faker than Joan Rivers.
Lacey: I thought she was just a curvy
lady, but now that I think about it she is pretty perky. Oh no!
Lorraine: She even plumped between
seasons. Those are post-Brad Boobs.
Lacey: Dear Readers, weigh in in the
comments section. Are Emily's boobs all naturale or silicone? Thank
you.
Lorraine: Great work. now what?
Lacey: Alright, getting back to the
show. Doug ends his date by speaking in the third person, "If Emily
wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know." You never trust a guy
with who takes himself too seriously, I never trust a guy who refers to himself
in the third person.
Lorraine: An excellent rule. Take the bull by the horns, there, Dougie!
Sister wants some lip action (we're not sure why, but she does!)
Lacey: Group date! We shall call
the red team TBs for Testosterone Boys (Sean, Charlie, Chris and Travis), and the
yellow team BC for Band Camp (Jef, Arie, and Kalon). I'm going to pretend
Beefcake doesn't exist for a while.
Lorraine: OH BEEFCAKE. I approve of your naming devices.
Lacey: Thank you. The TBs think
they've got this thing in the bag because of their superior strength. The
BCs are shivering in their little shoes.
Lorraine: one sided smack talk is a sure
sign of impending doom.
Lacey: Beefcake is determined to win for
the BCs by "working as a team" and "functioning really
well". Ugh. Athletes.
Lorraine: I was worried his enormous
square jawline was going to tip the boat over.
but what really won it for them was sensitive Jef with One F! bloodying himself to the bone for the big
win!
Lacey: He totally took one for the team
and it paid off. I love a good underdog story! Go Band Camp!
Lorraine: truly. I was definitely Team Band Camp on that one. But in an ironic turn, it was Testosterone Boys that SOBBED all the way home. well, not too ironic. Steroids make you moody.
Lacey: Aw. Sweet Charlie. He
really seems like a big teddy bear. Poor thing. The disappointment
was just too overwhelming.
Now we come to the part where Beefcake calls Emily a trophy
wife.
Lorraine: Oh, my, word. I couldn't help but hear Miranda Lamberts immortal southern lady words in my ear when I saw Emily's reaction. "I don't have to be hateful, I can just say bless your heart". she glossed over that one in perfect southern gentle-lady style.
Lacey: Who does he think he is?
He's so completely clueless! If it wasn't so insulting it would
almost be funny. He's like a caricature of male chauvinism at it's worst.
He's such a Neanderthal.
Lorraine: ahhh, that's where I've seen
that profile before! At the Natural History Museum!!!
Lacey: I did not like it one bit when he
confronted her about kissing Arie. He was talking to her like she was in
trouble with the principal or in a confessional. It was nauseating.
"To whom much is given, much is required." He handed her
the disappointed parent card. What makes him think he can talk to her like
that? HOW IS HE STILL THERE???
Lorraine: That part baffles me. How she keeps him on. she's falling for it. yet again, I wonder how they so quickly
forget they are on a dating game show, and get mad at the person for kissing
around.
Lacey: I actually think she must be following
producer orders, because she called him out to Chris during her deliberation
with him. She knows Beefcake’s an arrogant jerk.
Lorraine: yeah. Producer veto, for sure. That being said, if Beefcake (or anyone else)
came to her and said "Please stop kissing Arie, not because I am jealous
but because Arie is an icky kisser" I might understand where they were
coming from. He is SLOPPY. That beach
kiss had to be muted.
Lacey: He maybe got a little carried
away on that one, but she likes it. You can tell. How did I forget
to mention Arie's funny Doug/Hulk impression? Loved it! We've got a
live one!
Lorraine: That was a Marvelous HulkDoug impression. In fact, that should probably be his new name.
Lacey: I want to talk about Jef again, because he seems to be a little bit of an enigma, right?
Lorraine: Yeah. I don't know if Jef is Emily's soulmate, but he is kind of dreamy. I like him a lot.
Lacey: You know who he reminds me of? His trajectory is a little similar Jesse on DeAnna's season. He's the cool, chill, kind of off beat guy and he's a slow mover, but in the end it may play to his benefit. He's sort of making Emily meet him half way instead of chasing after her wildly. And he seems so humble about it and surprised every time she gives him a rose. I like it.
Lorraine: yeah. I think he's
probably not a fast mover because even if he's not Mormon, I'm guessing he has
Mormon roots. He doesn't want to disappoint his momma on TV hahaha. It's respectable.
Lacey: Good call, Jef.
Lorraine: Is it time for the 2 on 1?
Please let it be 2 on 1 time.
Lacey: 2 on 1. Go!
Lorraine: The most awkward thing I've
ever seen on film, and I saw most of Borat.
Lacey: Ha! Favorite line: "Is
this quinoa? Quinoa is a good... good fiber."
Lorraine: OH THE QUINOA!!! My new favorite bachelor food. Also, I want to know what kind of 2 sided
body tape they used to keep Emily's bikini on while cliff diving. Because
physics suggest that would be impossible.
Lacey: Probably industrial strength toupee
tape.
Lorraine: Poor Emily. She did so much
better than I ever could have with Nate. I like a man who is not afraid to cry.
I really do. there are moments for man-cry. The end of Forrest Gump, your wedding
day, and if your dog dies. BUT BECAUSE YOU MISS YOUR FRIENDS????!!!
Lacey: Oh my gosh I died. I was like please, oh please stop!
Lorraine: (oh, also, if your leg is
blown off in some sort of manly industrial accident or fire. cry then too. but
not on the 2 on 1)
Lacey: Agreed. So even though the
other guy calls himself "Wolf", the winner was clear on this one.
Lorraine: An added tidbit: Emily said on
her People.com blog that they didn't show a scene where Emily kind of panicked
swimming back to the boat on the 2 on 1 date, and John basically saved her
life. And apparently, CryingNate was too pansy to step in there too. so yeah,
good choice, Emily. those darn choppy
hurricane waters, you know. John and his
receding hairline live to fight another day.
Lacey: Danger! See, I would be the
worst bachelor contestant ever because I would always insist on wearing a life jacket
over my one-piece swimsuit in open water. Stylin'.
Lorraine: well, Emily's flotation
devices are built in...
Lacey: Ha!!! Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Bobblehead is
about to explode because the wise old sages Doug (33) and Beefcake (31) are
dogging on the younger gents in the house.
Alejandro is only 24 and you don't see him throwing a hissy fit.
Still, Doug and Beefcake are being a little condescending.
Lorraine: That was almost as
uncomfortable as the 2 on 1 watching Bobblehead and HulkDoug "fight". Bobblehead had kind of a hard time proving
his point there, didn't he?
Lacey: Oh definitely. It would
have been better if he'd just let it go. I like how Doug thinks he's
taking the high road, but really he looks just as immature.
Lorraine: yup. take it down a notch,
bro.
Lacey: Let's see. Cocktail party.
Ryan continues his march of idiocy by claiming that his higher destiny is
as the star of The Bachelor Augusta. Wow he thinks big.
That's an important calling.
Lorraine: It's not his fault he can't
aim higher, Lacey. His neck can't go that way.
Poor Michael just had to sit there and listen to him prattle
on and on. YIKES.
Lacey: Ah yes. The Long-Hair and
his final tragic appearance on the show as Beefcake's confidant.
As much as I like Arie, he lost five points when he said
Emily and I's. I'll never get over my
hatred of that.
Lorraine: haha, proper grammar is hard
to come by in the NASCAR world.
I can barely bring myself to discuss Michael's quick and
almost nonexistent demise.
She so swiftly took our biology teacher and the
Danny-tressed Michael. I never even got
to see him in a cardigan L
Lacey: Don't cry, Lorraine. He
goes to a better place: the real world where he can find a girl who loves him
for his long hair and Mr. Rogers attire. Emily just wasn't that girl.
Lorraine: I had to immediately find Dan
in the next room and tell him that I would give him all the roses. I felt
better after that.
I think Dan felt nauseated after that.
Lacey: Good. And so, with many
tears falling like the warm Bermuda rain, we bid farewell to big Charlie and
the Long-Hair. A fond farewell to them both.
Lorraine: Indeed. Adieu, wandering lads.
Lacey: Next week we go to London where I
will bet you a hundred dollars that Kalon is the one that Emily kicks out with
a mighty curse.
Lorraine: I quite agree, so we will have
to go find some other poor sucker to take that bet, and give them 10 to 1 odds.
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