Crying and Quinoa.
(We cannot take credit for the photo captions below, but we certainly appreciate what they add.)
Lacey: Good idea: Going to Bermuda. Bad idea: Going to Bermuda during hurricane season.
Lorraine: I was genuinely surprised there weren't MORE jokes about the Bermuda triangle.
Lacey: So what do you think was up with all the boys riding up to the hotel on scooters? At first I was sure it was a product placement thing, but no one ever said the brand of the scooters or anything! It's straight up Bachelorette excess is what it is!
Lorraine: ridiculous. it was like they were trying to get that whole Top Gun Volleyball Scene vibe, but no, they were just monkeys on scooters.
But I echo their sentiment- Bermuda water, WOW.
Lacey: It's true. It was really beautiful. I'd like to go there and make perfume and go sailing and eat dinner in a cave. So we kick off with grouchy ol' Doug. Dude has a temper!
Lorraine: He just seems to have no sense of humour. I never trust a man who takes himself too seriously.
Lacey: Remember how the big thing with Brad was that he had a short fuse, but in the right circumstances he looked like the perfect guy? I think history is repeating itself!
Lorraine: TOTALLY. Astute bachelor observation, comrade!
Lacey: But to be fair, Arie was pushing his buttons on purpose. I thought it was funny. Doug, obviously did not. I love that he described it to Emily as "scolding" the guys. Yeah if you call wigging out and physically intimidating people "scolding".
Lorraine: Ha! My favorite moment of every date is now the inevitable moment when Emily says "I don't think I'd want to spend this date with anyone else" She has officially said it to pretty much every one of them. and this guy in a jewelry shop. and to Ricky. And Ricky's pet crab.
Lacey: It's a big compliment, I'm sure. Let talk about the "Moon Bridge" which is little more than a circular stone trellis. Is there really so little to do in Bermuda? After they walked through Doug was like, "That was AWESOME! I could do that a hundred times!"
Lorraine: Lucky for Doug, the producers learned their lesson last time they made a guy think of a wish on the fly. "you can, uh, just keep this one to yourself."
Lacey: What did you think about their little convo about faults and flaws? "I spend too much time with my son." Get rid of him! Doug still clearly doesn't understand the value of honesty and forthrightness, even at his ripe old age of 33.
Lorraine: yeah, his watery beady eyes just don't do it for me. "my ex would say I spend too much time with my son." REALLY, Doug? REALLY?
Lacey: But then, Emily's confessions didn't make me all that happy either. "I don't work out." Do you wanna see me cry, Emily?
Lorraine: right? not her best showing, definitely. Sometimes, she and her new fake boobs never get out of their pajamas ALL DAY. she does ERRANDS in them.
Lacey: The nerve! Let's hold. Do you really think Emily's boobs are fake?
Lorraine: oh. faker than Joan Rivers.
Lacey: I thought she was just a curvy lady, but now that I think about it she is pretty perky. Oh no!
Lorraine: She even plumped between seasons. Those are post-Brad Boobs.
Lacey: Dear Readers, weigh in in the comments section. Are Emily's boobs all naturale or silicone? Thank you.
Lorraine: Great work. now what?
Lacey: Alright, getting back to the show. Doug ends his date by speaking in the third person, "If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know." You never trust a guy with who takes himself too seriously, I never trust a guy who refers to himself in the third person.
Lorraine: An excellent rule. Take the bull by the horns, there, Dougie! Sister wants some lip action (we're not sure why, but she does!)
Lacey: Group date! We shall call the red team TBs for Testosterone Boys (Sean, Charlie, Chris and Travis), and the yellow team BC for Band Camp (Jef, Arie, and Kalon). I'm going to pretend Beefcake doesn't exist for a while.
Lorraine: OH BEEFCAKE. I approve of your naming devices.
Lacey: Thank you. The TBs think they've got this thing in the bag because of their superior strength. The BCs are shivering in their little shoes.
Lorraine: one sided smack talk is a sure sign of impending doom.
Lacey: Beefcake is determined to win for the BCs by "working as a team" and "functioning really well". Ugh. Athletes.
Lorraine: I was worried his enormous square jawline was going to tip the boat over. but what really won it for them was sensitive Jef with One F! bloodying himself to the bone for the big win!
Lacey: He totally took one for the team and it paid off. I love a good underdog story! Go Band Camp!
Lorraine: truly. I was definitely Team Band Camp on that one. But in an ironic turn, it was Testosterone Boys that SOBBED all the way home. well, not too ironic. Steroids make you moody.
Lacey: Aw. Sweet Charlie. He really seems like a big teddy bear. Poor thing. The disappointment was just too overwhelming.
Now we come to the part where Beefcake calls Emily a trophy wife.
Lorraine: Oh, my, word. I couldn't help but hear Miranda Lamberts immortal southern lady words in my ear when I saw Emily's reaction. "I don't have to be hateful, I can just say bless your heart". she glossed over that one in perfect southern gentle-lady style.
Lacey: Who does he think he is? He's so completely clueless! If it wasn't so insulting it would almost be funny. He's like a caricature of male chauvinism at it's worst. He's such a Neanderthal.
Lorraine: ahhh, that's where I've seen that profile before! At the Natural History Museum!!!
Lacey: I did not like it one bit when he confronted her about kissing Arie. He was talking to her like she was in trouble with the principal or in a confessional. It was nauseating. "To whom much is given, much is required." He handed her the disappointed parent card. What makes him think he can talk to her like that? HOW IS HE STILL THERE???
Lorraine: That part baffles me. How she keeps him on. she's falling for it. yet again, I wonder how they so quickly forget they are on a dating game show, and get mad at the person for kissing around.
Lacey: I actually think she must be following producer orders, because she called him out to Chris during her deliberation with him. She knows Beefcake’s an arrogant jerk.
Lorraine: yeah. Producer veto, for sure. That being said, if Beefcake (or anyone else) came to her and said "Please stop kissing Arie, not because I am jealous but because Arie is an icky kisser" I might understand where they were coming from. He is SLOPPY. That beach kiss had to be muted.
Lacey: He maybe got a little carried away on that one, but she likes it. You can tell. How did I forget to mention Arie's funny Doug/Hulk impression? Loved it! We've got a live one!
Lorraine: That was a Marvelous HulkDoug impression. In fact, that should probably be his new name.
Lacey: I want to talk about Jef again, because he seems to be a little bit of an enigma, right?
Lorraine: Yeah. I don't know if Jef is Emily's soulmate, but he is kind of dreamy. I like him a lot.
Lacey: You know who he reminds me of? His trajectory is a little similar Jesse on DeAnna's season. He's the cool, chill, kind of off beat guy and he's a slow mover, but in the end it may play to his benefit. He's sort of making Emily meet him half way instead of chasing after her wildly. And he seems so humble about it and surprised every time she gives him a rose. I like it.
Lorraine: yeah. I think he's probably not a fast mover because even if he's not Mormon, I'm guessing he has Mormon roots. He doesn't want to disappoint his momma on TV hahaha. It's respectable.
Lacey: Good call, Jef.
Lorraine: Is it time for the 2 on 1? Please let it be 2 on 1 time.
Lacey: 2 on 1. Go!
Lorraine: The most awkward thing I've ever seen on film, and I saw most of Borat.
Lacey: Ha! Favorite line: "Is this quinoa? Quinoa is a good... good fiber."
Lorraine: OH THE QUINOA!!! My new favorite bachelor food. Also, I want to know what kind of 2 sided body tape they used to keep Emily's bikini on while cliff diving. Because physics suggest that would be impossible.
Lacey: Probably industrial strength toupee tape.
Lorraine: Poor Emily. She did so much better than I ever could have with Nate. I like a man who is not afraid to cry. I really do. there are moments for man-cry. The end of Forrest Gump, your wedding day, and if your dog dies. BUT BECAUSE YOU MISS YOUR FRIENDS????!!!
Lacey: Oh my gosh I died. I was like please, oh please stop!
Lorraine: (oh, also, if your leg is blown off in some sort of manly industrial accident or fire. cry then too. but not on the 2 on 1)
Lacey: Agreed. So even though the other guy calls himself "Wolf", the winner was clear on this one.
Lorraine: An added tidbit: Emily said on her People.com blog that they didn't show a scene where Emily kind of panicked swimming back to the boat on the 2 on 1 date, and John basically saved her life. And apparently, CryingNate was too pansy to step in there too. so yeah, good choice, Emily. those darn choppy hurricane waters, you know. John and his receding hairline live to fight another day.
Lacey: Danger! See, I would be the worst bachelor contestant ever because I would always insist on wearing a life jacket over my one-piece swimsuit in open water. Stylin'.
Lorraine: well, Emily's flotation devices are built in...
Lacey: Ha!!! Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Bobblehead is about to explode because the wise old sages Doug (33) and Beefcake (31) are dogging on the younger gents in the house. Alejandro is only 24 and you don't see him throwing a hissy fit. Still, Doug and Beefcake are being a little condescending.
Lorraine: That was almost as uncomfortable as the 2 on 1 watching Bobblehead and HulkDoug "fight". Bobblehead had kind of a hard time proving his point there, didn't he?
Lacey: Oh definitely. It would have been better if he'd just let it go. I like how Doug thinks he's taking the high road, but really he looks just as immature.
Lorraine: yup. take it down a notch, bro.
Lacey: Let's see. Cocktail party. Ryan continues his march of idiocy by claiming that his higher destiny is as the star of The Bachelor Augusta. Wow he thinks big.
That's an important calling.
Lorraine: It's not his fault he can't aim higher, Lacey. His neck can't go that way.
Poor Michael just had to sit there and listen to him prattle on and on. YIKES.
Lacey: Ah yes. The Long-Hair and his final tragic appearance on the show as Beefcake's confidant.
As much as I like Arie, he lost five points when he said Emily and I's. I'll never get over my hatred of that.
Lorraine: haha, proper grammar is hard to come by in the NASCAR world.
I can barely bring myself to discuss Michael's quick and almost nonexistent demise.
She so swiftly took our biology teacher and the Danny-tressed Michael. I never even got to see him in a cardigan L
Lacey: Don't cry, Lorraine. He goes to a better place: the real world where he can find a girl who loves him for his long hair and Mr. Rogers attire. Emily just wasn't that girl.
Lorraine: I had to immediately find Dan in the next room and tell him that I would give him all the roses. I felt better after that.
I think Dan felt nauseated after that.
Lacey: Good. And so, with many tears falling like the warm Bermuda rain, we bid farewell to big Charlie and the Long-Hair. A fond farewell to them both.
Lorraine: Indeed. Adieu, wandering lads.
Lacey: Next week we go to London where I will bet you a hundred dollars that Kalon is the one that Emily kicks out with a mighty curse.
Lorraine: I quite agree, so we will have to go find some other poor sucker to take that bet, and give them 10 to 1 odds.