Thursday, May 24, 2012

Episode 2: Single Mom Barbie, or, Of Muppets and Men

(Yes, we will always have two titles, because we are both just that clever. How could we possibly choose just one???)

Lacey: ‪Let me know when you're ready to chat!‬

Lorraine: ‪I am ready to the umpteenth power‬

Lacey: ‪Sweet! Let's do this. Where shall we begin?‬

Lorraine: ‪Let's start with the ringing, resounding cries of gatherment by the most underrated reality host ever, Chris Harrison.‬
Brother must have spent some time in the Globe Theatre as a trained actor before giving it all up to help horrible people date each other.

Lacey: ‪I've never heard him shout before! It looked good on him.‬

Lorraine: ‪It's the divorce.‬
he's feeling liberated from his vocally conservative woes.

Lacey: ‪You're probably right.‬ After explaining the rules of this dastardly game, the first date of the season goes to...... Beefcake Tufty Hair!

Lorraine: ‪ohhh Beefcake.‬ He is so profoundly the opposite of my type that it makes it hard for me to remember that he's even in my species pool.
I would rather date Mr. GuardandProtectHerHeart.

Lacey: ‪Oh Lorraine! Are you sure? I mean, I totally agree that BTH is not the ideal, but GuardandProtect?! He was pretty bad! He dated Vienna, Lorraine. VIENNA! Let's just give that a moment to sink in.‬

Lorraine: ‪You have a point. But he only liked her because she could only keep one wandering eye on him at a time. I digress.‬

Lacey: ‪Besides, BTH had a few sweet one liners. They may be totally fake and disingenuous and designed to win the game, but they were sweet nonetheless.‬ ‪"If you treat a woman like a queen, she'll treat you like a king."‬ His pastor told him that.

Lorraine: ‪gag. ‪But it did make it all the more spectacular that she picked HIM for the soccer play date.‬ I wonder if she left the air on for him in her SUV when she spent half an hour taking snacks to soccer children, or if he had to sweat it out like a puppy.

Emily "Dressed Down" Maynard

Lacey: ‪How creepery was that? He's just sitting there gazing at the kids playing soccer from his car. If there hadn't been a camera crew out there someone would've called the cops for sure.‬

Lorraine: ‪so long as it's not him with the camera, it's cool, hahahha‬

Lacey: ‪Ha!‬ ‪So blah blah, making cookies, feeling uncomfortable in a girl's apron, blah blah, let's get to the part where he says he wants to be on the chase with his woman forever. What did you think?‬ ‪Because I thought the same thing as Emily. I was proud of her for kind of calling him out on that. That's too exhausting to keep playing games for the long term.‬

Lorraine: ‪The guy is a punk. plain and simple.‬
I had that guys number when he said "I've had two serious relationships that really meant something to me"
what he didn't say was "and a whole lot of relationships that meant nothing to me. And a few booty calls. And a one night stand or two. what was the question?"

Lacey: ‪I think Emily was right when she said that he might be a little "too good to be true". He knows the right things to say but they don't seem genuine to me at all. Like his scripted lines while they were awkwardly dancing in front of a bunch of strangers. "This is so surreal" "There's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be." Puke. I think he's got a less flattering layer underneath that is staying safely tucked away at the moment.‬
Plus he has a tuft. So, game over.‬

Lorraine: ‪yeah. he doesn't do it for me. Nor does the awkwardly inserted parking lot country band, Glorianna‬

Lacey: ‪Not gonna lie, I actually quite liked them... FIRST DISAGREEMENT OF THE SEASON! To be repeated many times I'm sure Keeps it spicy!‬

Lorraine: ‪hahaha! RAGE! We must agree on ALL THE THINGS.‬
Can we agree that the Bachelorette is better with Muppets?

Lacey: ‪Definitely! The date wherein Sir Christopher Harrison proves his worth yet again by adeptly heckling the show! More of that, please!‬ ‪

Lorraine: ‪If only Statler and Waldorf were in every Bachelorepisode.‬

Lacey: My first thought on this date was, Dear Stevie Soul Patch, Please stop wearing that hat immediately.‬
Lorraine: GUH, STEVIE.‬ ‪I cannot conceive how that guy is getting roses.‬
Lacey, do you remember that time we went to Classic Skating after Thanksgiving, and there were those 35 year old guys that were quite clearly Classic Skating "regulars"? My mind automatically lumps Stevie in there. Those are his people.

Lacey: ‪I can totally picture it. With a boom box on his shoulder. Yes.‬

Lorraine: ‪exactly.‬

Lacey: ‪I think we owe a little shout out to sweet Charlie. I'd like to shake his hand for being man enough to admit weakness and ask for a different assignment in the variety show.‬

Lorraine: ‪yeah, Charlie is kind of adorable. In another life, if I were a different kind of girl (and, you know, not married to your brother) Charlie would be a great sort of guy to date.‬

Lacey: ‪You can tell he's got a big heart.‬

Lorraine: ‪like a big happy dumb dog.‬
hahaha, yes, your way was nicer.

Lorraine: ‪weren't you rather amazed that those dudes were up on stage with the MUPPETS, like, stuffed iconic comedians of the 20th century, and NONE of them were funny?‬
like, dude, when you propose to Miss Piggy, it would probably be okay to something, you know, clever.

Lacey: ‪I felt for them. I would be a zero on the funny scale if I were put on the spot too. The producers should have worked harder on the script for this part.‬
‪It's kind of crazy that Jef got the rose on this date. He just seemed so shy to the point of being off-putting, but she likes him. I like him too. He's just playing hard to get.‬
More likely not playing at all, he's just behaving realistically in this setting and she's responding to it.

Lorraine: ‪yeah‬. ‪I read her blog on people after the fact, and she nailed it on the head. the first group date you go on with 8 other guys and a camera crew and an audience probably shouldn't feel like the most breezy and romantic situation in the world. like you said, she responded to his totally rational behavior.‬

Lacey: ‪Other notable moments of this date: Kalon and Adorable Biology Teacher having it out and Emily wanting to crawl into a hole.‬
‪Soul Patch Stevie eighth grade dancing to the imaginary sounds of Boyz II Men and N*Sync.‬

Lorraine: ‪He is so on his own planet.‬

Lacey: ‪And I'm pretty sure he was totally hammered when he started wigging out at Kalon.‬

Lorraine: ‪ohhh yeah‬ I totally forgot about that scene! It was very Bachelor, and not Bachelorette, was it not? It was very like a girlish catfight.

Lacey: ‪Completely.‬ Ten points to "Wolf" for this gem "If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you're a guy, you're a d#*!%@*.

Lorraine: ‪bahahaha‬. definitely.

Lacey: ‪He's still in the negative on account of his name, but that was a good line.‬

Lorraine: ‪you just moved up 8 spots in our ranking. Like a SIR.‬ Because it's true.

Lacey: ‪Should we move on to the Over-Zealous Greaser's date?‬

Lorraine: ‪Let's please‬. three cheers that he didn't start the date with a fist pump.

Lacey: ‪He wore what must be the 3rd or 4th really colorful plaid shirt I've seen on the guys this season. Is this a thing?‬

Lorraine: ‪Bachelor/ette fashion is a planet unto itself.‬ Like Lady GaGa, or Zoolander.‬

Lacey: ‪I guess it's kind of refreshing after all the gray tones of last season. I'll take it.‬

Lorraine: hear hear. Here is the real question I have about Greaser. Did she take him on a date because she wanted to lose him and she knew it all along, or did she see real potential with him?‬

Lacey: ‪Maybe she liked his energy at first, but realized after he practically jumped out of his seat and ran away when she said she wanted lots more kids, that they were in different places in life.‬
So they go to this incredible hotel that she used to go to with her family throughout her childhood. My family vacations never looked like that. We lodged in a tent or the Super 8. Too rich for my blood.

Lorraine: ‪also, wouldn't you sort of hate tainting your childhood memories with a terrible date??? I would.‬

Lacey: ‪Me too. The clock! Oh the clock! Why did he have to be so specific in his love wish?‬

Lorraine: ‪First Date, Greaser. Something generic isn't going to kill you here, Buddy.‬
"I wish for love and happiness with really vague overtones" that would be better.
So Emily left Joe packing, and she cried in her beautiful pink Barbie dress. Single Mom Barbie.

Lacey: ‪Someone missed the memo and set off the fireworks anyway.‬

Lorraine: ‪ohhh wasn't that so bad?!‬

Lacey: ‪Celebrate breaking a dude's heart. Stay classy.‬

Lorraine: ‪That was a lot of money's worth of fireworks to set off JUST to get the effect of purple fire reflecting in her tears.‬
So FINALLY, the million hour cocktail reception. right? did I miss anything?

Lacey: ‪Right. Talk about Beefcake's letter! This was so good! I cringed and writhed the whole time! Great TV!‬

Lorraine: ‪Oh. My. Goodness.‬
how could you really have 15 pages worth of something to say to someone after a single date? AND THEN make them read it aloud? With a DUDE IN THE ROOM.

Lacey: ‪Poor Tony! Worst timing ever! I was like "Dude! Cut loose! Turn and LEAVE!" Beefcake was really really inconsiderate to pull that stunt.‬
‪Then Emily shocks me with the best line ever when it's finally Tony's turn, "Did you leave your note in the other room?"‬
What's this?! A sense of humor?! I like it!

Lorraine: ‪hahaha, ahhh the poor woodsmen is saved by Emily's wit.‬ ‪He actually perfectly fulfilled his role as woodsman this time. He sank into the dark shadows of the wood around him, waiting for the carniverous, athletic beast to slink off.‬

Lacey: ‪At this point I lost about 5 minutes of the show because there was a giant spider spinning a web on my ceiling and I had to gather the courage of a thousand warriors to destroy it. I completely lost focus. Did anything good happen?‬

Lorraine: ‪oh my goodness.‬ Lacey, I know how hard that must have been for you. to not only face your greatest foe, but to miss a portion of the cocktail hour to do it.

Lacey: ‪It was tough, but I made it through.‬

Lorraine: ‪there was some more mancat drama between Kalon and everyone, about weird things like age, and rhetoric, but it was weird.‬
all part of the buildup, to what I can only say was probably your most tragic rose ceremony ever.

Lacey: ‪No kidding. I sure know how to pick them don't I? My beloved Biology Teacher gets the boot.‬

Lorraine: ‪I thought he was a cutie. high on my list as well.‬

Lacey: ‪How could she? Who doesn't love tousled hair and thick glasses frames on a smart, dorky guy? Ah well. What's done is done.‬

Lorraine: ‪but hey lace! that means he's still single! hubba hubba!‬
You better go to Canada and track him down!

Lacey: ‪I'm on it! I'm going to go out on a limb and give you my top 5 right now. Arie, Nate, Doug, Bobble Head, and Jef.‬
What do you think?

Lorraine: ‪which one is bobble head?‬
the one who can't talk good?
ohhhhhhhhhh bobble heads from the first episode!! who was that? I loved those!

Lacey: ‪Chris. The one where she blushed and said he was good-looking .‬

Lorraine: ‪yeeeeah‬. good ones. okay.

Lacey: ‪Nate is completely bland to me, I don't think he's said two words yet, but he's the one on the first night she said "Cute!" to herself as he walked away.‬
That's immediate chemistry that'll probably take him far.

Lorraine: ‪Mine are: Sean (she's gotta have a brad-like blonde in there somewhere), Arie, Bobblehead, Charlie, and I have to say (Dan)Michael.‬
Michael being the Dan-look-a-like. she won't resist his long locks for long! bwa haaa.

Lacey: ‪Ha! Awesome! Alright. Lock it in. Our picks have been thrown down!‬

Lorraine: ‪what? neither of us picked soul-patch Stevie to win it?? Dark Horse!‬
^^^This is Sarcasm^^^

Lacey: ‪Ha! How he got a spot and Biology Teacher didn't I'll never be able to understand.‬

Lorraine: ‪Never. Not ever.‬

Lacey: ‪Alright. Next week the guys get grilled by the Soccer Mom Brigade. That should be fun!‬

Lorraine: ‪Can't wait. between that and watching the producers desperately try to find a building to drop poor unsuspecting bachelors off of that's tall enough to not be totally pathetic, I think I'm set.‬ You are full of adventures, Charlotte!

Just one more of Single Mom Barbie, because I can't help myself.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Episode One: Emily "is gorgeous. we get it." Maynard

Episode 1: The Hunt for Fiance #3 Begins!

Lorraine and I are a little late to the party to start this season off, but we have high hopes that it'll be a good one. Join us again this season as we chat the Bachelorette, or as we like to call it "BaChat". Check out our brief initial thoughts on the very first step of beautiful Emily's journey to find true and everlasting love. I hope she gets that minivan full of babies and a post-7:30pm partner out of this. She's so lovely.

Lorraine: ‪I assume you have watched the bachelorette. ‪I just had to comment on the fact that she totally sent home the black dude. not even a token week so she doesn't maybe look like a southern belle. With producers in the background pleading "Emily, we have a LAWSUIT on our hands, give the brother a chance!!!"‬

Lacey: ‪I know! And he was a handsome guy too! At least she kept a couple Latinos.‬

Lorraine: ‪hahaha, yes, bless her heart. even if one of them was rocking some sort tendril? mullet curl?

Lacey: ‪The mushroom farmer? It was all his sweet sweet whisperings in the language of love.‬

Lorraine: ‪totally.‬ speaking of hair, the Daniel lookalike is my 2 to 1 favorite, for obvious reasons.

Lacey: ‪Wait. The Daniel lookalike? Who?‬

Lorraine: ‪I think his name was mike? with the shoulder length flowy shiny hair?‬ the ringer for your brother my husband?

Lacey: ‪Oh the Long-Hair.‬ I didn't notice that he looked like Dan. I'll have to take another look.


 If he had blue eyes and glasses, totally. he even likes giant sweaters!!!

Lacey: ‪He does a little!

Lorraine: ‪they gave her hardly any blondes, which is weird since it seems like Brad was kind of her type.‬

Lacey: ‪It's true. There's only one!‬ ‪I'd like to throw my personal favorite bachelor out there, Aaron the biology teacher. Oh my gosh, he looked so dorky! Just how I like 'em! Cheesiest opening line, square glasses. I'm a fan.‬

Lorraine: ‪ooooh yeah, I thought he was presh‬

Lacey: ‪I think she's got a great group of guys. I really do. Once we get rid of painfully awful Kalon it should be smooth sailing.‬
OOOOH- Arie the racecar driver is gorgeous! The producers are awful for putting him in there, but I'm glad they did!

Lorraine: ‪totally. love arie.‬
and Joe, I don't like Joe either. too greasy.

Lacey: ‪And obnoxious. Fist pump! Yes!!! Emily!!!! Woo! Yeah!!!!‬
Dude. Chill.

Lacey: ‪And lest we forget we have a "singer/songwriter" in the mix. Not only did his song suck, but almost definitely *not there for the right reasons*.‬

Lorraine: ‪hahahaha‬ there are some BAD eggs in this season. but Emily seems like kind of a spitfire now that she's at the wheel, so I'm not worried about her.

Lacey: ‪I could really get used to the hour-and-a-half episode thing. That rose ceremony MOVED.‬

Lorraine: ‪clipped right along there, didn't it? I was wondering why it seemed shorter!‬

Lacey: ‪Oh yeah. They should do that more often.‬
Will you hate me if I say that the two sided note bit was totally charming to me? When he pulled out a note I was prepared for a hideous poem.

Lorraine: ‪hahahha, no I thought that was funny, who did that again?‬

Lacey: ‪I think the former pro football player.‬ I could be wrong, but I think it was him.

Lorraine: ‪ohhh yeah‬. I think you're right. no, I was utterly charmed by that, I thought it was one of the better intros

Lacey: ‪Hey! They cast kind of an interesting normalish person from Salt Lake! Besides the hair thing and the entering on a skateboard thing, he seemed like a cool person.‬
I was surprised for some reason when she said Jef with one F smelled good. At least he's not a psycho.

Lorraine: ‪hahaha, yeah, I'm actually really familiar with his company, People Water.‬ He's a UVU grad.

Lacey: ‪Really?‬ That's so cool. Represent!

Lorraine: ‪I kind of dig his whole vibe. A bit of a hipster, but memorable, cool‬

Lacey: ‪Yeah. I like him. He may go far.‬

Lacey: ‪I'm glad she got rid of Mr. Eyebrows, Old Man River, and Testosterone Boy.‬

Lorraine: ‪LOL‬ that is forever their names. yeah, that one dude seemed like, REALLY old, right?

Lacey: He was like in a completely different stage of life. 6 kids?! At first I thought he was joking and he was going to show her pictures of his dogs or something. But no. He meant it.‬

Lorraine: ‪hahaha, yeah, that was weird.‬ interesting choice, ABC
oh lacey, what is wrong with us? Why do we like this show so much!?

Lacey: ‪I don't know!!! Up until 5 minutes before it started I was telling everyone I'm not watching this season! But I'm like a moth to a flame! I just can't help myself!‬

Lorraine: ‪how could we possibly not watch Emily's season, Lacey? We'll just watch ONE MORE, and then we'll stop.‬

Lacey: ‪Right. Yes. One more. And then I'll be done forever!‬ I mean it this time!

Lorraine: ‪yeah!‬

Lacey: ‪What do you think about blogging it this season?

Lorraine: ‪hahah, you know what I think we should do is start a blog unto itself where we BaChat, so that people who love our chats can religiously read, and people like my grandma can stop asking me why there are pictures of girls in hotpants on my blog hahahahah‬

Lacey: ‪That's not a bad idea.‬ Not a bad idea at all. Should we do it? I mean do you enjoy it?

Lorraine: ‪Lacey.‬
who chatted who today to talk about Bachelorette for an hour? WHO?
this girl.
this one right here.
If we didn't blog it, we'd still do this every week.
we might as well share our creative mockery with the rest of the world.

Lacey: ‪That's the truth. Either way we'll always chat it out.‬

this is the last season! really!

Lacey: ‪No seriously. This is it. Absolutely the last.‬

Lorraine: ‪uh huh.‬

Lacey: ‪yeah‬

Lorraine: ‪I just need one more fix.‬
I meant season.
I am not addicted.

Lacey: ‪Alright. Let's do this thing.‬