Tuesday, July 2, 2013

"Making the Top 4"

I don't know about you guys, but I feel like 45 minutes of last night's episode could have been completely circumnavigated by sending Chris Harrison over there and saying, "The producers would like me to let all of you know that James' neck is too thick and too orange for us to consider him as the next bachelor."

That would have made pretty much this entire episode a moot point, right?


Except for the Spanish Hot Chocolate, which is the most un-moot and totally relevant thing to humanity.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Bachelor Traveling.

"Traveling is always a test, you know. I think it will say a lot about the relationship if we can come out of the date today and realize that we're right for each other." -Blonde, boring, Bachelor Sean.

No, Sean. Traveling is not always a test.

Getting you and your traveling companion kicked off a bus at 3a.m. on the border between two developing countries where you don't speak Russian and they don't speak English and having to hitchhike in the middle of the night while one of you cries and one of you tells the same joke over and over that only one of you thinks is funny? That, Sean, is a test.

Traveling separately in first class with a crew, meeting outside your 4 star hotel looking perky and refreshed, and having producers plan your date, wherein you will have to eat 1 bug to prove your love? THAT IS NOT A TEST.

That is a vacation with a bug in it.

Someone should invent a show that starts like The Bachelor, but ends like the Amazing Race. Then, Sean, you will know if you're right for each other.


Wednesday, February 13, 2013


I have a bachelor hypothesis. A Hypochelor, if you will.

Why don't these perfectly nice, hot, supermodel christians ever make it to time and all eternity, America?

Let me tell you why.

When Emily had Arie and Jef, she had everything she needed. They were the foils to each other. It wasn't Jef that completed Emily, it was Jef and completed Arie, and vice versa. They really were the perfect guys for Emily. Together. Once they get to that stage of being alone, one on one with no one waiting in the next room to fill the void the other one lacks, the Bachelor Balance falls apart.

I didn't realize this until Sean recently stated that "I knew these six......were the six for me."

Is it possible that Sean was right?

Well, no. I think he was wrong, because Tierra completes nobody ever, but OTHER than that...these women are collectively kind of perfect for him.

I noticed it on the 3 on 1 date in St. Croix that Sean was at his best when he was with Catherine, Des, and Lindsay. Catherine's the sweetheart, Des is the sultry darling, and Lindsay is, clearly, the fun one. Together they are a string of sirens that sing the perfect harmony into Sean's jeeploving heart.

The only thing that could have made that sunrise perfect was him putting his arm around them all and whispering, "How do y'all feel about sharing a kitchen?"

A Farewell Ode to Tierra's Sparkle

In Pictures and Words.

In Limerick:
There once was a girl named Tierra
She had a nice face and good hair-a,
But dear friends watch out
She’ll scream and she’ll shout
If ever her man she must share-a.

In Seuss:
I am Sean.
Sean I am.

I do not like group dates with girls,
I do not like them, Sean I am.

Would you like them on a cot?

No, Sean, no, Sean, I would not!

In Free Verse:
The girl whose face gets tired when she tries to be kind
Is really just a sweetheart in disguise, you know.
She tells him all the time how kind she is.
But we know better because we see.
Other girls try to tell the truth.
But it usually backfires.
The only way he can
Know for sure
Is to see for

In Haiku:
Don’t blame her rudeness.
She cannot control her brow.
Her forehead dent knows.

In Iambic Pentameter:
He’ll never see me crouching in the dark
To interrupt his hot tub time with Linds.
And when he sees me I shall strike anew,
And tell him of the largeness of my heart!
Though unconvincing I may seem to you,
Dear Sean shall never know the part I play.
His blindness is my greatest ally yet.
He shall be mine when fin’lly this game wraps!


Friday, February 1, 2013

5 Year Backup Plan

If for any reason my beloved and I ever became unbeloved, I would do the following things:

1. Apply to go on the Bachelor

2. Demand to be treated like a princess.

3. Insist that absolutely nothing in the whole world terrified me more than horses, and my worst nightmare would be a date where I rode horses on a beach in Spain.

4. Promptly be set up by the producers to go on a one-on-one date in Spain on the beach with horses.

5. Enjoy every minute of it.

6. Insist that the Bachelor "buy" me the horse, which somehow the producers will absolutely arrange if I agree to name him "NEIL LANE JEWELERS", which absolutely I will do.

7. Reject the Bachelor's rose and live happily ever after with NEIL LANE JEWELERS the horse.

8. Gain millions of twitter followers, as all bachelor/ette alumni do.

I suspect as much from Selma. She climbed that mountain much too fast to actually be afraid of heights, hate the desert, or wear nothing but 6 inch heels. (aside: SIX INCH HEELS. I would rather be a foot binding woman in 1930's China.)

But if Selma wasn't faking it, can you IMAGINE how angry she was not to go on the "Pretty Woman" Prostitute date? So. Angry.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Joining the Bachelor Sean Party

Lorraine: I have to say, I'm pretty relieved we're not blogging about Sean's season of the Bachelor, because, honestly, I don't even know what there would be to say.  I don't think a single person has said a single thing I haven't heard one million other times.

‪Lacey‬: It's true. I like that it wasn't a decision we even discussed, it was just clear that there would be to nothing to say! I may put a picture of Sean tearing up about AshLee's childhood story with a caption "Real Men Cry", because SO SWEET!

Because I said I would.

Maybe that's what we should do. Post little thoughts independently of each other now and again. That would be easy. Both Stef and my mom have mentioned they miss reading. It would give our two loyal readers something at least.

‪Lorraine‬: I love that idea.  I will totally participate.

‪Lacey‬: Remember when he flat out told Kacie she was crazy? Good moment for Sean.

‪Lorraine‬: She was. And she did. She went crazy. And he sent her home for it. I loveth it.  A real shame, though, because she was not that crazy before.
Clearly, America broke her.

‪Lacey‬: I don't know how exactly she saw that going in her head, because it made ZERO sense!

‪Lorraine‬: Not even a little bit.  and when she cries, those cute little bags under her eyes get very swollen very fast. Crazy is not a good look on her.

Batons? Batons were a great look for her.

‪Lacey‬: Maybe she'll resurrect them when she inevitably shows up on Bachelor Pad this summer.

‪Lorraine‬: A better prophecy was ne'er made, dear sister.

You're welcome, Mom!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

This Just In!

Breaking News, Y'All

Lorraine‬: Lacey.
Lacey‬: Hey! What up, yo?

‪Lorraine‬: There are rumors. Bad ones. Credible ones.
Reality Steve says Jef and Emily are over.
Their twitter feeds seem to back his claims.

Lacey‬:  Whoa whoa whoa. What are they saying?!
Lorraine‬: well, emily hasn't tweeted in 5 days. Which in Bachelorhood is like a year. And Jef tweeted: "What comes easy wont last. What lasts won't come easy."
Lacey‬: Holy cow.

‪Lorraine‬: And Reality Steve says he has credible sources that they broke up over the weekend, and are still working out how to break it to the press.
I have to say, Reality Steve is pretty reliable. He doesn't like to be wrong.

‪Lacey‬: I don't know whether to be sad or jump out of my chair and do a happy dance.

‪Lorraine‬: hahahhahah

‪Lacey‬: Tell me how to feel!
I just hope he moves that fine pompadour back to Pleasant Grove where I can casually bump into him at the supermarket on my way home from work. Crossing my fingers.

‪Lorraine‬: Tough one. I think I will lean towards Happy Dance, because I want Jef to open presents with us and your giant brood of children on Christmas Morning someday.
beautiful, beautiful children. So beautiful.
Lacey‬: Happy dance it is!  Woo woo!
Lorraine‬: running man dance
sprinkler dance

‪Lacey‬: flashdance
too far?
Lorraine‬: heck no, that's how you're going to get his number, OBVIOUSLY.

‪Lacey‬: Ha ha!!!
Lorraine‬: I only feel bad for one person in all of this. Ricky. Poor girl goes along for her mom's ride through celebritytown, meets a great father figure, and now she'll never see that guy again. And from the sounds of it, it was Emily's missteps that ended the relationship. Poor form, Maynard.
Lacey‬: It's true. Dude was coaching her soccer team. That's tough for a little girl to handle.
What is Emily thinking? She has a guy like Jef and she keeps messing around? Girl has not got it together.
Assuming the rumors are true.

‪Lorraine‬: I guess people who do watch ESPN and don't watch the Bachelor (you know, dudes) who knew the football player she was texting said it was legitimately unsurprising. It's kind of like an unbiased opinion of sorts.
Ugh. She seemed charming on the show, but this all seems to imply that she really was doing it for all the wrong reasons, doesn't it? Why do I care, Lacey? WHY DO I CARE?

Lacey‬: Don't cry, Lorraine. Don't cry. You're not alone.

Lorraine has restored my hopes and dreams by gifting me with the below photo entitled, "The First Meme of the Rest of Your Life."

  Can't. Wait.