Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Bachelor Traveling.

"Traveling is always a test, you know. I think it will say a lot about the relationship if we can come out of the date today and realize that we're right for each other." -Blonde, boring, Bachelor Sean.

No, Sean. Traveling is not always a test.

Getting you and your traveling companion kicked off a bus at 3a.m. on the border between two developing countries where you don't speak Russian and they don't speak English and having to hitchhike in the middle of the night while one of you cries and one of you tells the same joke over and over that only one of you thinks is funny? That, Sean, is a test.

Traveling separately in first class with a crew, meeting outside your 4 star hotel looking perky and refreshed, and having producers plan your date, wherein you will have to eat 1 bug to prove your love? THAT IS NOT A TEST.

That is a vacation with a bug in it.

Someone should invent a show that starts like The Bachelor, but ends like the Amazing Race. Then, Sean, you will know if you're right for each other.


Wednesday, February 13, 2013


I have a bachelor hypothesis. A Hypochelor, if you will.

Why don't these perfectly nice, hot, supermodel christians ever make it to time and all eternity, America?

Let me tell you why.

When Emily had Arie and Jef, she had everything she needed. They were the foils to each other. It wasn't Jef that completed Emily, it was Jef and completed Arie, and vice versa. They really were the perfect guys for Emily. Together. Once they get to that stage of being alone, one on one with no one waiting in the next room to fill the void the other one lacks, the Bachelor Balance falls apart.

I didn't realize this until Sean recently stated that "I knew these six......were the six for me."

Is it possible that Sean was right?

Well, no. I think he was wrong, because Tierra completes nobody ever, but OTHER than that...these women are collectively kind of perfect for him.

I noticed it on the 3 on 1 date in St. Croix that Sean was at his best when he was with Catherine, Des, and Lindsay. Catherine's the sweetheart, Des is the sultry darling, and Lindsay is, clearly, the fun one. Together they are a string of sirens that sing the perfect harmony into Sean's jeeploving heart.

The only thing that could have made that sunrise perfect was him putting his arm around them all and whispering, "How do y'all feel about sharing a kitchen?"

A Farewell Ode to Tierra's Sparkle

In Pictures and Words.

In Limerick:
There once was a girl named Tierra
She had a nice face and good hair-a,
But dear friends watch out
She’ll scream and she’ll shout
If ever her man she must share-a.

In Seuss:
I am Sean.
Sean I am.

I do not like group dates with girls,
I do not like them, Sean I am.

Would you like them on a cot?

No, Sean, no, Sean, I would not!

In Free Verse:
The girl whose face gets tired when she tries to be kind
Is really just a sweetheart in disguise, you know.
She tells him all the time how kind she is.
But we know better because we see.
Other girls try to tell the truth.
But it usually backfires.
The only way he can
Know for sure
Is to see for

In Haiku:
Don’t blame her rudeness.
She cannot control her brow.
Her forehead dent knows.

In Iambic Pentameter:
He’ll never see me crouching in the dark
To interrupt his hot tub time with Linds.
And when he sees me I shall strike anew,
And tell him of the largeness of my heart!
Though unconvincing I may seem to you,
Dear Sean shall never know the part I play.
His blindness is my greatest ally yet.
He shall be mine when fin’lly this game wraps!


Friday, February 1, 2013

5 Year Backup Plan

If for any reason my beloved and I ever became unbeloved, I would do the following things:

1. Apply to go on the Bachelor

2. Demand to be treated like a princess.

3. Insist that absolutely nothing in the whole world terrified me more than horses, and my worst nightmare would be a date where I rode horses on a beach in Spain.

4. Promptly be set up by the producers to go on a one-on-one date in Spain on the beach with horses.

5. Enjoy every minute of it.

6. Insist that the Bachelor "buy" me the horse, which somehow the producers will absolutely arrange if I agree to name him "NEIL LANE JEWELERS", which absolutely I will do.

7. Reject the Bachelor's rose and live happily ever after with NEIL LANE JEWELERS the horse.

8. Gain millions of twitter followers, as all bachelor/ette alumni do.

I suspect as much from Selma. She climbed that mountain much too fast to actually be afraid of heights, hate the desert, or wear nothing but 6 inch heels. (aside: SIX INCH HEELS. I would rather be a foot binding woman in 1930's China.)

But if Selma wasn't faking it, can you IMAGINE how angry she was not to go on the "Pretty Woman" Prostitute date? So. Angry.