Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Finale

The Glory of Televised Love 


Poor Arie (Lorraine was wrong.) 

Lacey: Alright! shall we? 

Lorraine: we shall do this with speedy and brilliant ferocity. 
Also, whatever our opening line was monday morning should be our opening line in the blog. it was pure. unedited. Raw and full of emotion. 

Lacey: “Waaahhhhhh!” 

Lorraine: Ahhh yes, that was it. 

Lacey: Still feeling it. 

Lorraine: America is still feeling it. 
Sad though we all may be that, like Prince William, our faux beau is off the market, this was a pretty darn good season of what almost sort of began to kind of feel like real love. 

Lacey: It's true. I think this was the best season ever. It was full of fun and drama, and the ending was full of hope. 

Lorraine: I quite agree. I hope those lovebirds make it out alive. 
okay, should we jump past Chris Harrison's silver tie, "most dramatic ending ever", Emily's jean jacket and rather awkward family greeting, and get to the family interviews? Er, I mean, dinner? 

Lacey: Jef approaches with two lovely bouquets of flowers- not for Emily. But don't worry. He assures her there will lots of them for her in the happy years to come. 

Lorraine: He slays me. 
The only thing better than flowers is flowers forever. 
Or a pony once. I digress. 

Lacey: Ha! He sits down with mama Suzy first. He basically tells her, "She completes me." And mama loves it! 

Lorraine: I thought she was going to lose her painted on eyebrows right then and there. 

But my viewing party (AKA, my artist mother, my business man father, my harvard professor brother in law, and my feminist sister) COULD NOT GET OVER Emily's brother. 

Lacey: I LOVED this guy! Not only did he sport a total Elvis lip curl, he was soooo skeptical that they played dark doom music every time he showed up on screen! 

Lorraine: We couldn't decide if he was a human robot of Spock, or a stroke victim, so we came to call him Stroke Spock. 

Lacey: Ha! Awesome. It didn't take long for Jef to sweet talk him. 

Lorraine: He done good. Seemed to win the whole family over in about three 30 second conversations, so good on him! 

Lacey: Ernie dropped the "No guy has ever lived up to Big Ricky" bomb. Jef killed with that line, "Emily had love ripped from her. When she feels it again, she'll know." BOOM!!! Skeptic broken! 

Lorraine: Nailed it. 
And then swiftly moved on to Pleated Shorts Dad, who can barely contain his glee in giving away his daughter for hopefully the last time. 

Lacey: Overall, a major win for Jef. 

Lorraine: Even unphased by the fact that the Producers made them sit on one side of an akwardly long table. That's a real man there. 

Lacey: Which made things a little difficult for Arie coming out of the gate. 

Lorraine: POOR ARIE. 
That shall be my title, even in the face of true love. 
His shady fishing bit did not seem to win him any medals amongst Pleated Shorts Dad and Stroke Spock. 

Lacey: "I heard that fish bite when it's overcast. I don't know much about fishing..." It's tough coming back from that intro. 

Lorraine: So, so sad. 
I was worried for a while there that he forgot the presents. 

Lacey: Right off the bat, Dad was like, "I don't even know why we're meeting another guy today." 

Lorraine: Really tough. 
But I got the sense that Mama Suzy wasn't so ready to send him on his way. 

Lacey: She thought his gift of dead ROSE BUDs was thoughtful and charming. 
Just wanted to work that in. ROSE BUD. 

Lorraine: HA! Poor Arie. We decided the roses were pretty smart, really. 
If she chose him, they'd be safely kept by the mother-in-law for perpetuity, and if he lost, then he never had to see them again. Well played. 
Though you have to wonder what she ended up doing with those.... 

Lacey: A scented oil love potion, maybe? 
Too soon? 

Lorraine: HA! not too soon at all. 

Lacey: Anyway, Arie scored more points by playing the "I dated a single mom" card with every member of the family. 

Lorraine: Gotta be wondering how Miss FormerArieSingleMom is enjoying being used as a poker chip on national television right about now. 

Lacey: I hope she's not mad about it. It's clear that he did genuinely love her kids and counts it as a very important life experience. 

Lorraine: But still, a poker chip. a repeatedly played poker chip. 

Lacey: And it paid off for him, because Daddy gave the go-ahead for Arie to propose, too. 

Lorraine: Arie and his peppery fauxhawk depart into the villa's outer walls, and Emily and Clan descend to the kiva to have the most rational bachelor/ette conversation "EVER" as Chris Harrison would say. 

Lacey: It's true. Emily got so frustrated that her family wouldn't tell her what to do. To the point of tears! 

Lorraine: Sage advice from Pleated Shorts Dad: You really can't love two people at once. 

Lacey: Ernie's "If you don't know who to choose by now, I certainly can't answer it for you." 

Lorraine: Stroke Spock speaks the half-moving-mouthed truth. 

Lacey: And mama's, "if you're not sure, I would hold off on any kind of engagement." 
Who are these people? What show is this? 

Lorraine: All this rational behavior is making my stomach hurt. 
Thank heavens we have the Bachelor Pad. 

Lacey: As we return from the commercial break, Chris does a scream poll for who the audience favorite was. CLEARLY Jef's cheers were louder. Why did Chris try to fool us and say it was split down the middle? We have ears. 


Lorraine: Should I say it again? It's going to become a drinking game. POOR ARIE. 

Lacey: Time for the one-on-one date of the century. 

Lorraine: Or as I like to call it, the LEAST awkward 2 on 1 in Bachelordom. 

Lacey: Wait! FIRST! Ricki was wearing a fanny pack! It was cute!!! 

Lorraine: Oh, oh she was. 

Lacey: With lots of trinkets dangling from it. 
Girl's got style. 

Lorraine: I tried to buy a fanny pack in Europe, and by BFF talked me out of it. It was very high fashion. Regretted it ever since. 

Lacey: My grandma gave me an awesome purple fanny pack once, but I was in junior high and failed to see the wonder in such a gift. 

Lorraine: Now we know. We'll get fanny packs together! 
There was consensus in my viewing group that it was weird that Emily put Jef through the crucible of repeatedly asking to meet Ricky, but at the end, she had clearly already made up her mind about this already. 

Lacey: That was a little crazy town. My viewing people and I were like, "What's the big deal? Introduce him as your friend Jef. No biggie. No harm done. Chillax." But Jef knows how to break down walls with his words. He got her to admit that if she were in his shoes she would think it was a little weird and be disappointed. And with that, Jef is in. 

They stop to peer through the shutters at little Ricki and the nanny hanging out by the pool. 

Lorraine: And officially the one and only man who can spy on a small child through a gate and not be arrested. 

Lacey: Jef's smile said it all. Love at first sight. 
With Ricki. Not the nanny. 

Lorraine: LOL 
Your clarification is accepted. 
I'm ashamed to admit that Brad's meeting Ricki was still stamped pretty firmly in my mind, and this was a darn good contrast. 

Lacey: Oh my gosh! A world of difference. Jef is a man who knows how to interact with children. It was easy and fun. After a sweet high five, Ricki is anxious to start playing. "Can Jef get into the pool now too?" Aw! She liked him right off the bat! 
The relationship was cemented when he put on her pink goggles. 

Lorraine: Obvs. 
How could you ever love another man after that? 
Arie's flame went out not with a bang, with with a snap. The snap of goggles. 

Lacey: After fun in the pool, they all retired to the porch to hang out and talk about Ricki's stuffed monkey. My heart melted. 
"Has monkey been eating Cheetos?" 
So darling. I hate to get all sincere and stuff, but this moment was so sweet to me. I couldn't quit smiling. 

Lorraine: Yah. I cannot mock the monkey. 

Lacey: And the preciousness continued at dinner when Jef gave her the obligatory final date gift of a Curacao tourist book, including a Jim Halpert-esque bonus inside. 
The stick figures, Lorraine! The stick figures!!! 

Lorraine: It was good. It was undeniably good. I was waiting for the Producer/Intern created photo book of their "love journey", and he gave me STICK FIGURES. How am I supposed to mock something that adorable? 

Lacey: It's impossible. It can't be done. Stick figures dancing on a table, stick figures wearing snorkel gear, stick figures chillin on the beach. 
It was perfect. 

And then the cherry on the top, Thank you. Thank you. No, thank you. Thanks so much. Thank you. Giggle with delight. 
I can't take it! It's too sincere! It's too adorable! What is happening to me?! 

Lorraine: We're losers. Plain and simple. 
My jaded family brought me back to a slight reality when they pointed out as tactfully as possible that they were pretty sure she was pretty drunk at the end of that date. 
Once they pointed it out, I couldn't unsee it. She was quite possibly slurring, giggling, and a little red-faced. And her balance at the end of the night was questionable. 

Lacey: What?! My illusion is shattered! Nah, not really. Drunk or not drunk, it was still wonderful. 
Are we ready to move on to the tough stuff? 

Lorraine: Yes. Where Poor Arie gets even Poorer. 

Lacey: This is the part where I wanted to punch the producers in the gut for putting through the nonsense of making that love potion with the delightful old lady, and let him gush to the camera and stuff. Rude! 

Lorraine: Backup. We need to discuss that my viewing party was so unprepared for the fact that Emily was about to abruptly end the competition portion of this show, only the Professor noted that something significant had happened, and we had to rewind Emily's gibber gabber to learn she was about to dump Arie. 

Lacey: Even after her discussion with Chris? I realized about halfway through that segment that Emily was about to pull an Ali and let Arie go Cape Cod style. 

Lorraine: We got chatty, thinking they were going to do another half a dozen reviews and montages, and then suddenly she's telling Chris that Arie's getting the boot! It all happened so fast! 
But apparently, not fast enough to nix the stinking love potion. booooo. 

Lacey: I was so nervous for Emily as she walked down the path to breaking Arie's heart. If I were her I would have had to stop and puke in the tropical undergrowth. 

Lorraine: I must note that the camera men that were sent in for this were TROOPERS. walking backwards in jungle lairs, jumping into moving SUVs, holding back noisy sobs... 
Pros, I tell ya. 

Lacey: They called in the Reality TV Special Forces for this one. 
What was so tough about this exit and about Sean's exit for that matter, is that he was so completely taken by surprise. He had every reason to believe it was going to be him in the end. 

Lorraine: Yeah, she had to vaguely indirectly dump him like 5 times before he got it. It was so sad. 

Lacey: Even though Chris told her to be direct and honest, Emily still couldn't quite cut to the chase. Arie was being so sweet and concerned because she was sad. When he realized she was sad because he was getting the boot, his face just killed me. 

Lorraine: And she threw a few daggers in there that didn't seem to help much either. 

Lacey: He started tearing up and looked out into the void of his shattered dreams. It was so sad. 

Lorraine: "I kept thinking it would be me and you, me and you at the end of this" NOT HELPING. 

Lacey: Then came the reactionary portion of our break up. It was one of the most honest departures I've ever seen on this show. Emily: "I don't know what to say." Arie: "You don't have to say anything. I'll go." Emily: "Arie, wait!" Arie: "I don't think you're going to get the goodbye you want. I don't know WHAT you want. I guess, thanks for sparing me the embarrassment tomorrow." 


Lorraine: Actually, that's a pretty worthwhile thank you. Not like crazy Ashley that let Ben get all the way down on one knee and have him STUCK DOWN THERE while she mulled over how to say no. 
Better to dump him in the wafting fumes of love potion. 

Lacey: Moment of mockery in all this drama. Hulk/Arie: "Give me a hug. NOWWW!" (I added that last part myself.) 

Lorraine: Your NOWWWW was totally appropriate. He is too cool for school. I love him. I hope he and Mama Suzy can make a run of it. 

Lacey: This is it! The big moment! Jef has chosen a door knob/engagement ring. Emily is standing on a stage in the middle of a pastel town square (??). 

I thought all those shutters were a little creepish. 

Lacey: A very angry person apparently had run through the town and ripped them all off. Proceed with caution. 

Lorraine: uh huh 

Lacey: Jef walks up looking incredibly sharp in a dark suit. 

Lorraine: I will mock the narrowness of his hipster tie because it's the only jab I can get in for awhile. 

Lacey: Emily doesn't even bother messing with him with a well placed "but..." She comes right out with it. "You're the only one who got to meet Ricki. I didn't even go on a date with Arie yesterday. It's just you and me. You're my soulmate." 

Lorraine: Praise the reality gods. 

Lacey: Jef's reaction was priceless. It went something like, "Wah?!?!?!" 
But his eloquence quickly made a comeback. "God puts people in our lives when the time is just right." 

Lorraine: Well put, old putter. 

Lacey: "What I'm about to ask you aren't just empty words. They are forever." 

Lorraine: "because they will be on replay on Hulu until the world ends" 

Lacey: Ha! 
After a good 10 seconds of silence, Emily says a joyful yes! Cue The Karate Kid II theme song "Glory of Love". 

Lorraine: As I watched, I couldn't help but wonder if the song selection made you savor the moment more, or dug the knife in a little deeper. 
It's like they KNEW. 

Lacey: Lemme answer that for you, Lorraine. It hurt bad. Real, real bad. It's a miracle I survived it. Not only did I lose the man of my dreams, I lost him to the theme song of my all-time favorite movie. 

Lorraine: Harsh, producers. Harsh. 
And it ends with the slightly weird note of Ricki arriving, and Emily proclaiming "We did it!"  The producers scramble to turn off mics as Little Ricki asks "What did we do mommy?" and Emily and Jef scrambling to explain that a dude she met once is her NEW DAD. 
Or so I like to believe. 

Lacey: I see why they chose the song though. They synced it up perfectly with action from the Emily and Jef montage. "As we're both lying here" (Emily and Jef on the library floor). 

Lorraine: shame there wasn't a line about killing clay pigeons. 

Lacey: Dang. 
A few words about ATFR? 

Lorraine: I only took one note, which I will both mock and secretly admire. 

Lacey: Tell it. 

Lorraine: When she was trying to explain that she felt like she just met Jef any old normal way and "you know, like, I dated a bunch of his friends first!" 
I cringe and giggle at the same time. I can't decide if it's the worst or best thing a Bachelorette ever said. 

Lacey: Ha ha! That's awesome! 
I love that Jef called Arie to smooth things over and talk him through everything after Journal-gate. What a great guy and good friend. Jef wins. 
He wins at life. 

Lorraine: And kudos to Arie that hearing Jef and Emily were happy was what he needed to hear to move on. By far my favorite runner up ever on the Bachelor. 
Kind of sad that Sean will be getting the next round of ladies though (foregone conclusion, right?) 

Lacey: He was kind, understanding, and honest. I really like him too. But you're right. The "honor" will be Sean's without a doubt. 

Lorraine: I'm going to need a lot of Ravioli to get through that one. 

Lacey: Ha ha! The episode ends with Jef's mom and sisters crowding the floor and gathering around Emily for girl talk. They're going to get along just fine. It was really wonderful. I feel like an idiot saying it, but I really hope this one works out. I think it might. 

Lorraine: Ugh. Lacey. This is so lame. We have watched this show a bjillion times. We know better. But here I am. I think they might make it. 
The instagram of Ricki and Jef fishing? I want their yellowed faux faded family to be real. BWUH HUH HUHHHH!!!! 
I'm so ashamed!!! 

Lacey: I'm totally with you. You're not alone. 

Lorraine: She told she's taking his last name. I'm kind of sad her name isn't Emilee so she could drop an E, too. 

Lacey: Ha! That's so sweet. And so, even though the wonderful picture you made for me will never come true, I feel hope and joy for the lovebirds. It overshadows my intense disappointment. 

Lorraine: Now is when I would usually try to convince you to audition, but I really don't want you to bring Sean home to meet us. I will be mean to him. On TV. 

Let's wait it out. 

Lacey: Sean and I wouldn't click. He'd think I was weird. I'd think he was boring. It would never work. 

Lorraine: Lacey, what more can we say about the best/worst show ever? 
I think it's over. We have to leave now, and let them go on African Humanitarian Trips and do normal things as a family. I have to go back to the void of an empty Monday, while you tell me how Reid is doing on Bachelor Pad. 

Lacey: Deal. Farewell, dear Bachelorette, until next time! 

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