Episode 8:

Meet Me in St. Louis George 

or

Relative Values

Lorraine: Lacey, my chest was pounding, and I had to resist the urge to wring my hands. I am way way way way to obsessed with our little Jef and his whole love life working out.

Lacey:  ‪He did so well on that date and his family was lovely.  What is she going to do?!

Lorraine:  ‪I feel like I'm watching the biography of Catherine of Aragon. I know how it ends, and it's not pretty.

Lacey:  ‪I know.  It's so awful.  Maybe we're wrong, though!  Maybe she'll surprise us all and choose him!

Lorraine:  ‪You're right. We'll hold out hope. But we're jumping ahead! We need to start out with ever so arrogant Chris and his polish family.

Lacey:  ‪I liked her red pants.  I would like a pair of my own.

Lorraine:  ‪YES!! They definitely got a rose from me.

Lacey:  ‪So first Chris informs that his family is Polish.  Really Polish.  On a scale from one to Polish, they are Polish.

Is that clear?

Lorraine:  ‪I'm still just a little bit confused about where they fall on the Polish scale.

like, is being a fan of polish hot dogs a 5?

Lacey:  ‪I'd say that's about right.  But since they all speak fluent Polish, they are Polish Polish.

Lorraine:  ‪and maybe, having a festooned polish band in your backyard on cue is possibly an 8?

regardless, they seemed like lovely people.

Lacey:  ‪They did.  His mom told him "you've got to kick ass".  Go momma!  Can you imagine my mom ever saying that?  I can't.

Lorraine:  ‪nope, not quite the Cindy style.

Lorraine:  ‪I did think that Chris' father was a rather enlightening specimen. He has that eastern european man strut thing that implies absolute head of household status, and I feel like suddenly I got why Chris has no sense of modern courtship.

Lacey:  ‪That makes sense.  I think he was a little surprised when he took her off for a little heart-to-heart and she was the one asking the questions about if he thought Chris was ready for marriage and a child and all of that.

Lorraine:  ‪most definitely.  The whole episode sort of starkly reminded me that Chris hardly ever talks about Ricki or being a dad.

or really. about Emily very much. he seemed obsessed with how "perfect" he was for her more than really evaluating if they were perfect at all.

Lacey:  ‪And then there was sister!  She was not buying it!  She flat out asked Emily to "Let him go sooner rather than later if you don’t see him in the end."

Lorraine:  ‪good for her.

Lacey:  ‪Also, I still can't quite figure out why Chris's dad told him that Emily said she was falling in love with him.  Did she say that?  Did I miss it?

Lorraine:  ‪uh, that was definitely something lost in Translation. Emily said as much in her blog that she really meant the whole experience more than Chris, and she felt bad about that.

Lacey:  ‪Oops!  And that would explain why Chris was so upset about getting sent home.  His hopes were set way too high.  Nice going, Dad!

Lorraine:  ‪yeah, OUCH.

Also, I feel like everything that I surmised about Chris was solidified when I saw that he just accepted a slot on the Bachelor Pad. That sounds about right.

Lacey:  ‪So true.

Lorraine:  ‪That being said, I would love to dance to a Polish Band. Lucky Emily and her red pants.

JEF TIME???

Lacey:  ‪Jef time!!!  That ranch is sooooooo gorgeous!

Lorraine:  ‪I, I weep.  I want to live there and never ever leave.

Lacey:  ‪Me too!  ‪So first, Jef straps her into an ATV and promises to drive really slowly.  And then promptly breaks his promise by opening up and flying down the red dirt road.

Lorraine:  ‪and seems to genuinely believe that a white chiffon dress and cowboy boots is the perfect outfit for the day. That couldn't be further from the truth, but I appreciate the look.

Lacey:  ‪She looked darling.  I also want that dress.

Lorraine:  ‪just not for ATVing hahah

Lacey:  ‪A pair of jeans would be more appropriate.  Even skinny jeans will do.

Lorraine:  ‪especially Jef's skinny jeans. I mean, what?

no

whatever. I wasn't looking.

I don't care. I'm totally married.

And he also did not look hot at all shooting things out of the sky like that.

BORING.

Lacey:  ‪I'm single.  HE WAS HOT!!!

Lorraine:  ‪LOL

Lacey:  ‪Emily surprised us all with her formidable shooting skills, too!  ‪She's a coy little Annie Oakley.

Lorraine:  ‪yup. they should spend the rest of their days shooting clay pigeons out of the sky and making out on the ground of exotic locations.

 Lacey:  ‪I vote yes.  ‪They pull into the lovely oasis of the Holmstead Ranch where a giant family of beautiful people are waiting to greet them.

Lorraine:  ‪all with their Emily Hair on!

Lacey:  ‪They all broke out their curling irons for the cameras.

Lorraine:  that look seems like an awful lot of work. I'm glad that I don't have to be on TV.

Lacey:  ‪They were all really lovely people.  I felt like they asked her really good questions, but they didn't seem confrontational at all.  I thought she got along really nicely with the sisters.

She fit right in.

Lorraine:  ‪definitely. I think there's an unspoken tension there, but I think generally they get what she's about, and recognize she's a good girl. Gosh, those would be just awful, right?

I mean, hometown dates.

under the best of circumstances, answering questions about your life together, yeesh. but when you know the girl has three other boyfriends?

Lacey:  ‪Yeah.  It's a really tough and totally unrealistic situation, but I think all parties handled it really well here.

Lorraine:  ‪agreed.

Lacey:  ‪And that little niece that snuggled up into Emily's lap?!  How sweet was that?!

Lorraine:  ‪too stinkin cute.

Lacey:  ‪Win.  I'll bet Jef paid her in lollipops to do it.  It was so endearing.

Lorraine:  ‪It totally was. Mama Bear for the win.

And Jef's last little stop, well, just too lovely.  The red rock cliffs, the sunset, his little speech!

Lacey:  ‪That note!  I just.... I can't....  It was so sweet and heartfelt.  You could tell she was truly moved by it.  So was I!  I'll admit I got a little teary.

Lorraine:  ‪I can't believe he held it together.

Lacey:  ‪As he read, the love lights started shining in her eyes.  It was good.  Nothing to make fun of there.  I both love and hate when that happens.

Lorraine:  ‪yeah. It was heartfelt through and through. It was GENUINE, and totally not at all like that time that Courtney and Ben had a fake wedding.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW? She's killed off nearly all our best material.

Lacey:  ‪Not to mention it all made her so happy she danced a little jig down the road.  I like her extra when she's with Jef.  I think he brings out a light, fun side to her that we don't get with anyone else.

Lorraine:  ‪that is completely true. I feel like she is her most spunky and interesting self when she's with him. He puts her on her A-game.

Arie, well, he just seems to melt her into a giant puddle of loveydoveyness.

Lacey:  ‪Their first kiss upon seeing each other.  Whoa!  He just took her face in his hands and laid one on her.  These two have fireworks.  There is serious chemistry.

Lorraine:  ‪yeah. they are the all american racecar couple if ever there was one.

except that he's DUTCH???

I had no idea he was dutch, did you know he was dutch?

Lacey:  ‪One of his bios did mention he was from Holland, so it didn't catch me completely off guard.

On a scale from one to Dutch, how Dutch do you think Arie's family is?

Lorraine:  ‪Obviously, not Dutch band in a closet Dutch (an 8, we decided?) but certainly 7 Dutch, which is "talk in Dutch in front of non-Dutch speakers about them" Dutch.

and after typing that, Dutch no longer looks like a word. Dutch Dutch Dutch. yup. That makes me -2 Dutch.

Lacey:  ‪That's a totally fair assessment.  But Arie's mom obviously wants to be one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Do they lose points for that?

Lorraine:  ‪they should. the strap on her outfit was driving me nuts.

Lacey:  ‪Maybe the Darling Dutch twins cancel out the tackiness.

Lorraine:  ‪please, old woman, pull your Dutch sweater shawl business up.

ohhh, they were like lanky matching Justin Biebers! Presh!

Lacey:  ‪I think Arie may have been right in purposely making Emily nervous.  I was so nervous and embarrassed for her when they all started speaking Dutch around her.  What would you do?

Lorraine:  ‪That was so awkward. How could you make a person feel any less included and welcome!?

I've certainly been in situations where people were talking around me in another language, but there was always someone translating every step of the way, and certainly I never got the impression they were using it as a chance to talk about me.

Lacey:  ‪Yeah.  It was a little on rude side.  But mom seemed to come around after her little chat with Emily.

Lorraine:  ‪I think they would have had to lock her in the basement with no food or water and made her play hopscotch with Bentley, Brad and Kalon in order for the home date to turn her off of Arie. So, yeah, I'd say they won that round.

Lacey:  ‪Ha ha!  Arie seemed just as confident as ever, stating "I'm DEFINITELY going to marry Emily."  I think he really does have this thing in the bag.

Lorraine:  ‪Remember when Kacie brought Ben home and said "that's my future husband in the next room" and then he immediately sent her home? This is the opposite of that thing.

Lacey:  ‪I believe that is true.  ‪Shall we move into the most Stepfordy home town date in the history of this show?

Lorraine:  ‪ugh. I suppose.  Blondbeef

Lacey:  ‪The "perfection" is blinding!  It's melting my eyes out of their sockets!

Lorraine:  ‪Yeah. I just have absolutely no idea what he's about. What does he like to do? How does he handle bad situations? What do his feet smell like? I'm at a loss.  he's certainly not my type, that's for sure.

Lacey:  ‪So she pulls up to the perfect park and he's walking his perfect dogs in the perfect pastel v-neck tee and she can't believe it, even though she could very easily fit in to the world of perfection.  I also loved this dress that she's wearing.  Outfit #3 I would like to duplicate.

Lorraine:  ‪definitely.  She's like a Southern Mrs. O. Fashion fun all around.

Lacey:  ‪I still wish they would stop kissing.  It's weird and gross to me.

Lorraine:  ‪I know. he is perfect in all ways except that he kisses like a 15 year old boy.  who, of course, kiss like puppies.

Lacey:  ‪Yes that.  My heart melted a little when his little niece screamed "Seany!!!!!" and leapt into his arms.  That was darling!

Lorraine:  ‪oh she was a peach, wasn't she?

Lacey:  ‪But the moment kind of faded when they introduced the two perfect children as Kensington and Smith.  Preppy much?

Lorraine:  ‪I'll take three of her, as long as I can change her name to something like Jane. Elizabeth. Morticia.

Lacey:  ‪Anything but Kensington.  Remember her playhouse?  Or rather, that little cottage that's nicer and better equipped than my apartment?

Lorraine:  ‪So weird. Who has that? Is that handcrafted? Do you buy that in a kit?  Is there a company of tiny architects that make children sized masterpieces that I've never heard of?  One thing for sure is Emily did want to move right in.

Lacey:  ‪Until Sean admits a deep dark secret.

‪He still lives at home.  In a disgustingly messy room.  That he wishes his mom had cleaned up a little for him.  And it's full of stuffed animals with NAMES!  OH NOOO!  Emily hits the panic button and shuts down immediately.

Lorraine:  ‪I knew it the second that I saw it that place was staged. They should have called in some props people.  why was the milk glass FULL? Clearly, it would have been nearly empty. Also, no man has ever not finished an m&m cookie.

Lacey:  ‪You are so wise.  You should be like Monk or the Mentalist.  I didn't even notice those things.  Well done!

Lorraine:  ‪Those tricky Stepfords. They tricked her good, didn't they!?  nyuknyuknyuk!

Lacey:  ‪Emily proved herself yet again to be the sweetest lady ever.  She's unbelievably polite.

Lorraine:  ‪Even in the face of a devastating new alternate reality.

I will assume that you also watched through the credits, when they tried yet again to fool this poor southern belle into thinking they were eating a plastic baked armadillo?

Lacey:  ‪Yes!  You cannot break this girl's composure!

Lorraine:  ‪she's good.

Lacey:  ‪So they say farewell with more gross kissing and she says, "Miss you.  Bye, Honey."  What's this?  He get's a pet name?

Lorraine:  ‪WEIRD. I don't see the connection at all.

and the chasing down repeat Stella moment only intensified that feeling for me.

Lacey:  ‪Take two.  I guess he wasn't satisfied with the first go around.

Lorraine:  ‪neither was I, but for different reasons.

Lacey:  ‪And that brings us to a deliberation with Chris.  Emily is feeling a little emotional about having to send a guy home this week and how sad that will make his family.  She says she doesn't know what she's going to do, but we all know better.

Lorraine:  ‪Of all the dates I would not want to be sent home after, hometown would be the worst, most certainly.  it would be so hard not to take it personally.

Lacey:  ‪I agree.  It would be impossible not to take it as a reflection on your family.

‪Roses go to Arie, Jef and Sean.  Poor Chris wore a tie in her favorite color for nothing.  Turquoise prom tie fail!

Lorraine:  ‪I think it's a subconscious no no for her, actually.  above all, Emily likes a man who knows himself. Arie is a racecar driving dutchman, Sean is a Stepford, and Jef is an Edgy Philanthropist.

Chris doesn't know who he is, except for "ten times the man that any of those guys are."

Lacey:  ‪Yeah.  How do you figure, Bobblehead?

Lorraine:  ‪Which, as I think we've discussed on this show before- when they describe themselves like that, it almost always means the opposite.  like Courtney describing herself as a nice, normal, girl.

Lacey:  ‪So true.  His exit said it all.  He showed himself to be immature, unreasonable and hotheaded again and again.  It was definitely the right call.

Lorraine:  ‪oh, and he was mean to her! am I crazy, or did he kind of cut her off and raise his voice?  what an arse.

Lacey:  ‪He totally did!  "I don't get it!  I SAID I LOVE YOU!"  Two thumbs way down.

Lorraine:  ‪well, WOW, Chris, when you put it that way, please, come rushing back into my arms. oh baby.  She was much nicer than I would have been.

Lacey:  ‪I think she's got the right 3 guys there.  When we called our top 5 way back in episode 2, we did a pretty darn good job.  I called Arie and Jef, and you called Arie and Sean.  All 3 are represented!  Well done, us!

Lorraine:  ‪Excellent. We only seriously misfired on the Biology Teacher and the long haired Daniel-look-a-like.  We are PROFESSIONALS, Miss Jackson.

Lacey:  ‪We sure are!  We should do speaking engagements and parties.

Lorraine:  ‪At the very least, we need our own jingle. But a self promoting blog is a good start, anyway.

Lacey:  ‪So, where are they heading next week?  It was an island I'd never heard of.  Ignoramus!

Lorraine:  ‪Curacao, which I'm almost positive she's mispronouncing.  Because when she says it, it sounds kind of Asian. 

I shouldn't have said that, should I?

Lacey:  ‪Ha!

Lorraine:  ‪Dare we put in official predictions for next week?  Because I have one.

Lacey:  ‪Go for it.

Lorraine:  ‪You're not going to like it.  She's in love with 2 of those 3 men. She is going to send one of them home next week, thus easing the pain for herself of the final day. Ergo, next week she is laying off our boy.

Lacey:  ‪NOOOOO!!!

Lorraine:  ‪I'm afraid so. I just don't see her crying that hard over Blondbeef.

Lacey:  ‪I can't believe it!  I refuse to believe it!  He's so good for her!  He's gotta be in the top 2.

Lorraine:  ‪too painful. It's time to let him fly- to the arms of a lovely, graceful, sparkly eyed, well dressed actress in Utah, perhaps?

Lacey:  ‪Who is this girl?!  I'll beat her up before I let him marry anyone but me!

Lorraine:  ‪ummm....Lacey?

Lacey:  ‪You couldn't possibly have meant me, the clumsy, awkward, Target-shopping secretary.

Lorraine:  ‪hahahha, oh Lacey.

Lacey:  ‪Inadequate though I may be, I shall find him and fight for his hand.

Lorraine:  ‪Well next week you will have your shot! bahahaha.  On to Curacao!