Episode 9:

Polygamist Emily 

or

Damn, I forgot to ask Lacey for a Title. 

Lorraine:  ‪So, Lacey, I could be wrong now, but I think maybe we were wrong this whole time about everything.

Lacey:  ‪Weird!  I think so too!  Up until this very week I was sure nothing could stop the Arie train, but I don't think so anymore.  I think Jef is her man.

Lorraine:  ‪I like where your head is at. Different from mine, but I like it.

Lacey:  ‪Where is your head?  We must find it immediately!

Lorraine:  ‪I was thinking specifically about the fact that, at first, I thought Bermuda was the perfect place to fall in love. Then I thought maybe London was the perfect place to fall in love. But really, I mean, OBVIOUSLY, Dubrovnik was the PERFECT PLACE to fall in love. But we were all completely wrong, all this time. Curacao is THE perfect place to fall in love.  I feel SO MISLED.

Lacey:  ‪Ha ha!  You're right!  Our heads are in completely different places!  Strangely after 2 whole hours of being in Curacao I still have no idea how it's supposed to be pronounced.  Cure-a-sow?  Curr-a-cow?  I don't think anyone really knows.

Lorraine:  ‪Kira-Sao, was how I was thinking of it. The way that Emily said it, I kept thinking they were on a remote Vietnamese island. But I think it's Portuguese.

That being said, I refuse to let my heart believe that she will choose Jef. I am assuming the worst until it happens.

Lacey:  ‪Emily and Arie have this ridiculously passionate animal magnetism that is insane to watch, but I think she's starting to see it as chemistry and not necessarily compatibility. After this episode full of wise decisions on her part, she's proven that she just might go the other way.  I don't know, but I feel like it might be.

Lorraine:  ‪okay, we've got to start at the beginning, or I'm going to want to start into her Arie date right here and now.

‪actually, not the actual beginning, because, I have to tell you in full disclosure that I fast forwarded through a good chunk of that awful TWENTY MINUTE soft-edged montage about Emily's "Journey through love".  It was just so bad.

Lacey:  ‪Oh yeah.  Sean is muscly and nice= "perfect" man.  Jef is a little edgy and gets her.  Sweet Arie is so sweet.  Tough decision, blah blah blah.  Emily writes "Emily + ?" in the sand.  Time for the dates!

Lorraine:  ‪Yes please.

Lacey:  ‪Question: Am I mistaken or was this the first date helicopter of the season?

Lorraine:  ‪mrrrrmmm, I think there was one more early on.

‪OH YES. this was the first helicopter DATE, but not the first helicopter!

Since Kalon out-smarmed himself, he will sadly not be remembered for arriving in a helicopter, but for calling Emily's daughter "baggage"

Lacey:  The lack of helicopters so far has been astounding.  Usually we're up to 4 or 5 by now.  Anyway, they fly to their very own private island 

‪Sean desperately needed some sunglasses while they talked on the beach and he tried to get up the guts to drop the "L" word.

Lorraine:  ‪I swear, he is always making that face all the time. I think he thinks it looks good.  Blondbeef just does not have an interesting bone in his perfect beefy body.  If being perfect means being boring, I plan to stay hopelessly flawed for a long long long long time.

Lacey:  ‪Sean and Emily are really not fun together.  They're always on best behavior, we're on camera right now kind of thing.  You're right.  It's a zero on the Interesting Scale.

Lorraine:  ‪actually, I had this amazing epiphany when I was watching.  When Emily is with Sean, it's like watching Brad date Emily.

‪She is so much more interesting as the bachelorette, but when she was on Brad's season, she was always on best behavior, always holding back a little, and always a tiny bit boring except for ABC forcing her dramatic story line past down her throat.

Really, Blondbeef is probably a great guy, but Emily doesn't bring it out in him, just like Brad didn't bring it out in her.

Lacey:  ‪It's true.  And it would only be a matter of time before the "perfect" gave way to reality and they would be complete strangers to each other.

‪In any case, the note he wrote to Ricki was very sweet.  It was a little lame to first profess his love in a note to her daughter, but it was thoughtful nonetheless, and she loved it.

Lorraine:  ‪They make out in Sean's icky icky icky sloppy slimey way, and when they come up for air, Emily forces the fantasy card in his hand and the couple makes a run for the love palace.

Lacey:  ‪Then, in the most shocking moment in Bachelorette history, Emily displays some common sense and calls it a night!  She sends Sean home from the Fantasy Suite because of her beliefs and the example she wants to set for her daughter. I squealed with delight!  Yay!

Lorraine:  ‪Ha!  I thought she made the right decision for herself, especially when I think deep down she sees herself with someone else.

But I was still too nauseated by Sean's kissing style to feel anything akin to happiness. I had to race out and get my smelling salts.

Lacey:  ‪I just really like that she's a good person.  I'm a fan!  Let's move away from the "perfect" guy to the perfect guy.  Jef time!

Lorraine:  ‪indeed.  Jef is perfect in such a way that his edgy, different, interesting coiffed hair does not move a muscle in the winds and waves of Kira-Sao.

It's perfect and imperfect all at once.

Lacey:  ‪While her bang braid did absolutely nothing to prevent the wind from whipping her hair all over her face.  Get that girl a scrunchie!

Lorraine:  ‪truly.  but somehow, despite hair in her mouth and eyes and nostrils, they still manage to have a nice chat about family and the future.'  very pleasant.

someone got her a scrunchie.

Lacey:  ‪I feel like Jef may be the one that gives the most thought to Ricki and how that will all work out.  He says he wants to meet her to make sure they'll fit together, he asks Emily if she thinks he'll be a good parent.  She answers yes, because he's fun and he wants to be.  He seems to get it.

Lorraine:  ‪I have no idea how these people are able to keep these conversations so mundane. Surely, she must have another thought for what she wants Ricki's stepad to be other than "fun" and "present" and "willing to make sandwiches"

It's stuff like that which makes me think that Jef would not be happy with Emily in the long run, but I'll let them play that one out.

Lacey:  ‪Aw...  I thought the sandwiches thing was sweet!  You didn't like that?  When she said he's the one she pictured being there when she was home?  It was darling if she picks him, mean if she doesn't.

Lorraine:  ‪I prefer to mock it, firmly believing that she will be breaking his heart in about a week.

Lacey:  ‪That's actually a really good plan.  I should go back to that.  They're just so cute together, I can't help but like them!  At one point she said, "You ignite a self-confidence in me."  You can really see that when they're together.  She's fun and funny and I love that.

Lorraine:  ‪And Jef, ever the gentlemen, (or ever aware that his MISSIONARY PARENTS are watching) respectfully declines the fantasy suite.

Lacey:  ‪Not only does he decline it, he does so by quoting scripture!  "There is a time and place for everything.  Now is the time to bridle these passions."  Did Jef just use his scripture mastery on national television?!?  I laughed so hard!

Lorraine:  ‪Oh, did he? That's a little weird, but hey man, whatever keeps you from disgracing your family and offending the girl you want to make out on some floor with forever, more power to you!  Keep on keepin on!

Lacey:  ‪He totally did!  A neon sign appeared above his head and started flashing Mormon!  Mormon!  Mormon!  It was amazing.  It brought me much joy.  And I think Emily truly appreciated the gentlemanly gesture.

Lorraine:  ‪before, you know, hauling him up to the fantasy suite anyway.

Lacey:  ‪Just for a little while.  Just long enough to admire the full animal skin rugs adorning the fancy tree house floor.

‪Those poor, poor zebras. The indignity.  I wonder if they made out on them?

Lorraine:  ‪I'm sure they had a very nice proper "four on the floor" "the holy ghost goes to bed at midnight" "nothing good comes from spooning" chat on the chair swing.

Lacey:  ‪Ha ha!  I hope so!  Well, shall we move on to Arie?  There was very little conversation to be had because it appeared someone had super glued their faces together.

Arie and Emily Kissing.

Lorraine:  ‪That, my friend, that is the love that Bachelor legends are made on. You know, the kind of legend where they are broken up before "After the Final Rose" even airs.

OF COURSE Arie gets the swimming with dolphins date.

Lacey:  ‪Remember the part where the super sweet dolphin swam up behind Emily and gave her a friendly nudge and she squealed and panicked and scared the dolphin away?  I loved that part.

Lorraine:  ‪I have never in all my days seen someone who was afraid of dolphins.  I judged her.

also, someone get that girl a life jacket. She is clearly not a good swimmer.

Lacey:  ‪I know!  I feel for her, because I'm a bad swimmer too.  I would demand that I get to take a foam noodle into the water with me.

Lorraine:  ‪at the very least.

Emily and Arie scared dolphin kissing.

Lacey:  ‪Arie reveals that his favorite moments with Emily have been kissing moments.  Like the carousel in Dollywood, aka Make Out #1.  And their walk in Dubrovnik, aka The Wall Kiss.

Arie and Emily Kissing..Some More.

Lorraine:  ‪which we all remember fondly.  walls have never been so tantalizing.

Lacey:  ‪Exactly.  I'm with ya.

Then at dinner he also reveals that he's put a lot of thought into how he would build a relationship with Ricki.  I liked that.

Lorraine:  ‪ohhhhh really?

Lacey:  ‪You didn't?

Lorraine:  ‪Because remember before when I was like, we can't talk about Arie's date yet, because I will go into a tirade? That was pretty much why.

Lacey:  ‪What did you hate?

Lorraine:  ‪Did he REALLY put a lot of thought into that?  "I would, you know, be her friend first." because I'm sure Emily was worried her shallow hearted makeout buddy would turn into a dictator parent at first meeting.  And she was SO impressed, and I was thinking "this girl is seeing what she wants to see."

Lacey:  ‪Granted, I don't think he's put in as much thought as Jef probably has, but at least he was making an effort.  It's got to be hard for these guys because they haven't even met Ricki yet, so they don't have a whole lot to go on.

Lorraine:  ‪I just don't see Arie really thinking much of this through beyond "It's hard to make out on this boat." Even if I do think he's a really nice guy.

He's the sort that would be REALLY fun to date, not fun to marry.

Lacey:  ‪I agree.  And that's why I've changed my guess to Jef because I think that, after all this good judgment Emily's displayed, she's going to choose a genuinely good match over a really insanely hot one.  Again, I could be wrong.  I probably am.  Lust always conquers all on this show.

Lorraine:  ‪Not only that, but I think as time goes on, I see that Emily is way too concrete a thinker for Jef. He's thoughtful, idealistic, and seems to be very open to changing his perceptions and his views on life. and I think Emily is a sharp, witty, cute nice girl who wants a cute happy husband and cute happy life. I think Arie is the light at the end of her tunnel, even if I wouldn't choose him myself.

Lacey:  ‪So, continuing her streak of good judgment, she forgoes the forgo card altogether and bids Arie a very, EXTREMELY fond adieu on the deck.  Don't even get me started on this.  The way he was looking at her...  Oh my gosh.  I melted.  I died.  It looked gooood.

Oh hey, it's Arie and Emily. Kissing.

Lorraine:  ‪haha

Lacey:  ‪Now about her rose ceremony outfit.  The ribbed tank and disco ball mermaid skirt.  What do we call this?  Formal casual?  Casual formal?  Trailer meets Saturday Night Fever?  Very confusing.

Lorraine:  ‪hahah, I knew the second I saw it that it would be fashionably controversial, but I really liked it. It looked like by far the most comfortable thing she's worn in awhile.  plus, it made a swooshing noise

Lacey:  ‪She always looks fabulous no matter what.  It takes very little time for Chris to crack her composure.  She starts hiccup crying because she's feeling bad for having to let someone go.

Lorraine: ‪ohh the hiccup crying. that looked uncomfortable.

Lacey:  ‪It hurts!  It was so sad.

Lorraine:  ‪have we said this before? that her crying looks painful?  I think we have.

Lacey:  ‪Chris sends her over to the flat screen to watch video messages from her three loves.  They haven't done those for many seasons.  I missed them in all their cue card reading, super cheestastic glory.

Lorraine:  ‪ohhh, this is a thing?  I have never seen this, that shows my newness to the bachelor scene.

Lacey:  ‪Oh yeah!  They used to do it all the time.  I think the last time was Deanna's season.  It's been quite a little while.  But totally worth the wait, don't you think?  Nothing says "I love you" like a pre-recorded, scripted home video.

Lorraine:  ‪off of what could only be cue cards.

Lacey:  ‪I think Sean's downfall was that he faced the sun yet again while recording, so he squinted the whole way through.  Poor guy.  I didn't hear a word he said.  I was too focused on his burning skin and retinas.

Lorraine:  ‪bahahaha.  poor, poor thing.

Lacey:  ‪But Jef, in his ever so eloquent way, gives a lovely speech.  "At the top of the ferris wheel in London I didn't want to come down.  On the floor in Prague I didn't want to get up."  She started crying during his message.  I thought this is either a very good sign, or a very bad sign.  Turned out good.

Lacey:  ‪Arie had a pretty worthy sound bite himself with, "My heart is always racing towards you."  Ha!  Who writes this stuff?

Lorraine:  ‪haha, so fitting for mr. racecare driver!

Lacey:  ‪Then Emily sad cries for a very long time as Chris leads the boys in looking pretty casual themselves.  Note to any guy who wears olive green chinos and a skinny tie like Jef: Be Mine.

Lorraine:  ‪before we go finish off the rose ceremony, I also MUST add how jaw dropping it was to watch Emily talk with CH about how she loves three men for different reasons, and doesn't want to let them go. Honey, you have to pick just one at the end. that's real life. You may not date three men forever. You can see her mind trying to work out how to not sound crazy when talking about keeping 3 men, hahaha

‪I rewatched it 2 or 3 times just because it was so awesome. "I'm just not ready to say goodbye!" And that is why the Bachelor/ette is GREAT television.

Lacey:  ‪Amen!  A decision must be made and she woefully hands roses to Jef and Arie.  Sean's face dropped.  It was actually pretty sad to see him so surprised by it.

Lorraine:  ‪I agree. the bench chat didn't seem to help much.

Lacey:  ‪Especially since they were accompanied the whole time by some crazy tropical bird squawking the whole time! It would not shut up!

Lorraine:  ‪he just stared at her shiny noisy strobe light skirt and tried not to think about that very long plane ride home. in coach.

I am so ashamed at how much I want that skirt.  I would wear it to work every day

Lacey:  ‪As Sean voices his surprise and hurt, Emily buries her face in her hands and cries harder.  Ever the gentleman, Sean can't help but place a comforting hand on her back.

Lorraine:  ‪indeed.  Emily is really playing this one rough.  She is right that she blindsided the old boy, and then she still managed to get his sympathy when she cries. She's puttin' them boys through the West Virginny Wringer.

Lacey:  ‪Then the rejection SUV honks at him to hurry up.  He hugs Emily and says, "I'll miss you more than you'll ever know."  Emily completely breaks down as Sean squishes his gigantic frame into the vehicle.  He almost hits his head on the roof every time he moves

Lorraine:  ‪No stretch limo?  Don't worry Sean, they're just prepping you for the JetBlue flight home.

Lacey:  ‪He bids adieu to the beautiful life picture he's been creating in his mind.  She's Jef or Arie's wife, Sean.  Not yours.

Lorraine:  ‪Or, in Emily's perfect world, Jef AND Arie's wife.

Lacey:  ‪Jef and Arie seem like pretty good friends.  Maybe they'd go for it.

Lorraine:  ‪I'm pretty sure the finale's teaser was leading up to that. "I feel like I've been misleading both of them...and now I need to tell them I'm looking for two husbands, not just one."

Yah! Woot! Go Emily! Do it!

Lacey:  ‪MOST. DRAMATIC. EVER!

Lorraine:  ‪As for next week, I never watch the live shows, but I will do this for you. Because unlike Emily and Sean, our friendship is built on mutual sacrifice, understanding, mockery of others, and is in no way related to the beefcakiness of our arms.

Lacey:  ‪Yay!  Thanks!  The specials are the best!  So full of mockable content!  Not to be missed.

Lorraine:  ‪I am sure that's true.

Lacey:  ‪Kalon's gonna get ripped apart.  Can't wait.  And Ryan’s tank top.  Oh how I hope someone brings up the tank top!

Lorraine:  ‪we will call in and complain if there is no discussion of the tank top.

Lacey:  ‪Deal!