This Just In!

Breaking News, Y'All

Lorraine‬: Lacey.

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Lacey‬: Hey! What up, yo?

‪Lorraine‬: There are rumors. Bad ones. Credible ones.

Reality Steve says Jef and Emily are over.

Their twitter feeds seem to back his claims.

Lacey‬:  Whoa whoa whoa. What are they saying?!

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Lorraine‬: well, emily hasn't tweeted in 5 days. Which in Bachelorhood is like a year. And Jef tweeted: "What comes easy wont last. What lasts won't come easy."

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Lacey‬: Holy cow.

‪Lorraine‬: And Reality Steve says he has credible sources that they broke up over the weekend, and are still working out how to break it to the press.

I have to say, Reality Steve is pretty reliable. He doesn't like to be wrong.

‪Lacey‬: I don't know whether to be sad or jump out of my chair and do a happy dance.

‪Lorraine‬: hahahhahah

‪Lacey‬: Tell me how to feel!

I just hope he moves that fine pompadour back to Pleasant Grove where I can casually bump into him at the supermarket on my way home from work. Crossing my fingers.

‪Lorraine‬: Tough one. I think I will lean towards Happy Dance, because I want Jef to open presents with us and your giant brood of children on Christmas Morning someday.

beautiful, beautiful children. So beautiful.

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Lacey‬: Happy dance it is!  Woo woo!

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Lorraine‬: running man dance

  

sprinkler dance

  

breakdance

‪Lacey‬: flashdance

too far?

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Lorraine‬: heck no, that's how you're going to get his number, OBVIOUSLY.

‪Lacey‬: Ha ha!!!

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Lorraine‬: I only feel bad for one person in all of this. Ricky. Poor girl goes along for her mom's ride through celebritytown, meets a great father figure, and now she'll never see that guy again. And from the sounds of it, it was Emily's missteps that ended the relationship. Poor form, Maynard.

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Lacey‬: It's true. Dude was coaching her soccer team. That's tough for a little girl to handle.

What is Emily thinking? She has a guy like Jef and she keeps messing around? Girl has not got it together.

Assuming the rumors are true.

‪Lorraine‬: I guess people who do watch ESPN and don't watch the Bachelor (you know, dudes) who knew the football player she was texting said it was legitimately unsurprising. It's kind of like an unbiased opinion of sorts.

Ugh. She seemed charming on the show, but this all seems to imply that she really was doing it for all the wrong reasons, doesn't it? Why do I care, Lacey? WHY DO I CARE?

bwuh-huh-huuuuh!!

Lacey‬: Don't cry, Lorraine. Don't cry. You're not alone.

Lorraine has restored my hopes and dreams by gifting me with the below photo entitled, "The First Meme of the Rest of Your Life."

  Can't. Wait.

My Shame Knows No Bounds

Hey look!  It's my cousin Steffy and me wearing our Team Jef t-shirts at our Bachelorette finale watching party a few weeks ago!

Yeah.  Still not over it.

In other news, I took a break from the Olympics just long enough to see Reid stooping to subterfuge to get Ed voted off.  He was trying to swing some influence away from the cool kids and give the underdogs a chance.  He was also satisfying a long-standing vendetta against Ed for winning Jillian's heart.  I can't imagine why Reid would feel the need to compromise his integrity over an over-grown frat boy like Ed.  It might have been worth it if his plan had worked out, but it back-fired (as things usually do on this show) and got him voted off.

While Reid didn't charm me quite the way he did on the Bachelorette, it was lovely to see him again.  His departure most likely means an end to my tuning into the Pad.  But you never know.  There may be a Monday here or there that I find myself catching a quick glimpse.  If I do, I can assure you, I'll be here to comment!  We all know I can't stay away!

Rick-Rolling and Reid

Firstly, how did it take me this long to realize?!  I hope Jef's dance moves are as sweet as Rick Astley's.

Secondly, the Olympics in prime time trump Bachelor Pad hands down, so I didn't watch.  I did switch over to the Pad for a minute or two and spotted my favorite version of Reid: Reid of the Square Glasses.  Oh, how I've missed that Reid!  More glasses, less drama!

A Final Jef Note

Lacey wanted me to share with y'all my original Jef meme, which I made for her last week when I predicted Arie would take the cake. Now, like The Glory of Love, it seems to add insult to injury, but it's still a little awesome.

The Finale

The Glory of Televised Love 

Or 

Poor Arie (Lorraine was wrong.) 

Lacey: Alright! shall we? 

Lorraine: we shall do this with speedy and brilliant ferocity. 

Also, whatever our opening line was monday morning should be our opening line in the blog. it was pure. unedited. Raw and full of emotion. 

Lacey: “Waaahhhhhh!” 

Lorraine: Ahhh yes, that was it. 

Lacey: Still feeling it. 

Lorraine: America is still feeling it. 

Sad though we all may be that, like Prince William, our faux beau is off the market, this was a pretty darn good season of what almost sort of began to kind of feel like real love. 

Lacey: It's true. I think this was the best season ever. It was full of fun and drama, and the ending was full of hope. 

Lorraine: I quite agree. I hope those lovebirds make it out alive. 

okay, should we jump past Chris Harrison's silver tie, "most dramatic ending ever", Emily's jean jacket and rather awkward family greeting, and get to the family interviews? Er, I mean, dinner? 

Lacey: Jef approaches with two lovely bouquets of flowers- not for Emily. But don't worry. He assures her there will lots of them for her in the happy years to come. 

Lorraine: He slays me. 

The only thing better than flowers is flowers forever. 

Or a pony once. I digress. 

Lacey: Ha! He sits down with mama Suzy first. He basically tells her, "She completes me." And mama loves it! 

Lorraine: I thought she was going to lose her painted on eyebrows right then and there. 

But my viewing party (AKA, my artist mother, my business man father, my harvard professor brother in law, and my feminist sister) COULD NOT GET OVER Emily's brother. 

Lacey: I LOVED this guy! Not only did he sport a total Elvis lip curl, he was soooo skeptical that they played dark doom music every time he showed up on screen! 

Lorraine: We couldn't decide if he was a human robot of Spock, or a stroke victim, so we came to call him Stroke Spock. 

Lacey: Ha! Awesome. It didn't take long for Jef to sweet talk him. 

Lorraine: He done good. Seemed to win the whole family over in about three 30 second conversations, so good on him! 

Lacey: Ernie dropped the "No guy has ever lived up to Big Ricky" bomb. Jef killed with that line, "Emily had love ripped from her. When she feels it again, she'll know." BOOM!!! Skeptic broken! 

Lorraine: Nailed it. 

And then swiftly moved on to Pleated Shorts Dad, who can barely contain his glee in giving away his daughter for hopefully the last time. 

Lacey: Overall, a major win for Jef. 

Lorraine: Even unphased by the fact that the Producers made them sit on one side of an akwardly long table. That's a real man there. 

Lacey: Which made things a little difficult for Arie coming out of the gate. 

Lorraine: POOR ARIE. 

That shall be my title, even in the face of true love. 

His shady fishing bit did not seem to win him any medals amongst Pleated Shorts Dad and Stroke Spock. 

Lacey: "I heard that fish bite when it's overcast. I don't know much about fishing..." It's tough coming back from that intro. 

Lorraine: So, so sad. 

I was worried for a while there that he forgot the presents. 

Lacey: Right off the bat, Dad was like, "I don't even know why we're meeting another guy today." 

Lorraine: Really tough. 

But I got the sense that Mama Suzy wasn't so ready to send him on his way. 

Lacey: She thought his gift of dead ROSE BUDs was thoughtful and charming. 

Just wanted to work that in. ROSE BUD. 

Lorraine: HA! Poor Arie. We decided the roses were pretty smart, really. 

If she chose him, they'd be safely kept by the mother-in-law for perpetuity, and if he lost, then he never had to see them again. Well played. 

Though you have to wonder what she ended up doing with those.... 

Lacey: A scented oil love potion, maybe? 

Too soon? 

Lorraine: HA! not too soon at all. 

Lacey: Anyway, Arie scored more points by playing the "I dated a single mom" card with every member of the family. 

Lorraine: Gotta be wondering how Miss FormerArieSingleMom is enjoying being used as a poker chip on national television right about now. 

Lacey: I hope she's not mad about it. It's clear that he did genuinely love her kids and counts it as a very important life experience. 

Lorraine: But still, a poker chip. a repeatedly played poker chip. 

Lacey: And it paid off for him, because Daddy gave the go-ahead for Arie to propose, too. 

Lorraine: Arie and his peppery fauxhawk depart into the villa's outer walls, and Emily and Clan descend to the kiva to have the most rational bachelor/ette conversation "EVER" as Chris Harrison would say. 

Lacey: It's true. Emily got so frustrated that her family wouldn't tell her what to do. To the point of tears! 

Lorraine: Sage advice from Pleated Shorts Dad: You really can't love two people at once. 

Lacey: Ernie's "If you don't know who to choose by now, I certainly can't answer it for you." 

Lorraine: Stroke Spock speaks the half-moving-mouthed truth. 

Lacey: And mama's, "if you're not sure, I would hold off on any kind of engagement." 

Who are these people? What show is this? 

Lorraine: All this rational behavior is making my stomach hurt. 

Thank heavens we have the Bachelor Pad. 

Lacey: As we return from the commercial break, Chris does a scream poll for who the audience favorite was. CLEARLY Jef's cheers were louder. Why did Chris try to fool us and say it was split down the middle? We have ears. 

EVER!!!!

Lorraine: Should I say it again? It's going to become a drinking game. POOR ARIE. 

Lacey: Time for the one-on-one date of the century. 

Lorraine: Or as I like to call it, the LEAST awkward 2 on 1 in Bachelordom. 

Lacey: Wait! FIRST! Ricki was wearing a fanny pack! It was cute!!! 

Lorraine: Oh, oh she was. 

Lacey: With lots of trinkets dangling from it. 

Girl's got style. 

Lorraine: I tried to buy a fanny pack in Europe, and by BFF talked me out of it. It was very high fashion. Regretted it ever since. 

Lacey: My grandma gave me an awesome purple fanny pack once, but I was in junior high and failed to see the wonder in such a gift. 

Lorraine: Now we know. We'll get fanny packs together! 

There was consensus in my viewing group that it was weird that Emily put Jef through the crucible of repeatedly asking to meet Ricky, but at the end, she had clearly already made up her mind about this already. 

Lacey: That was a little crazy town. My viewing people and I were like, "What's the big deal? Introduce him as your friend Jef. No biggie. No harm done. Chillax." But Jef knows how to break down walls with his words. He got her to admit that if she were in his shoes she would think it was a little weird and be disappointed. And with that, Jef is in. 

They stop to peer through the shutters at little Ricki and the nanny hanging out by the pool. 

Lorraine: And officially the one and only man who can spy on a small child through a gate and not be arrested. 

Lacey: Jef's smile said it all. Love at first sight. 

With Ricki. Not the nanny. 

Lorraine: LOL 

Your clarification is accepted. 

I'm ashamed to admit that Brad's meeting Ricki was still stamped pretty firmly in my mind, and this was a darn good contrast. 

Lacey: Oh my gosh! A world of difference. Jef is a man who knows how to interact with children. It was easy and fun. After a sweet high five, Ricki is anxious to start playing. "Can Jef get into the pool now too?" Aw! She liked him right off the bat! 

The relationship was cemented when he put on her pink goggles. 

Lorraine: Obvs. 

How could you ever love another man after that? 

Arie's flame went out not with a bang, with with a snap. The snap of goggles. 

Lacey: After fun in the pool, they all retired to the porch to hang out and talk about Ricki's stuffed monkey. My heart melted. 

"Has monkey been eating Cheetos?" 

So darling. I hate to get all sincere and stuff, but this moment was so sweet to me. I couldn't quit smiling. 

Lorraine: Yah. I cannot mock the monkey. 

Lacey: And the preciousness continued at dinner when Jef gave her the obligatory final date gift of a Curacao tourist book, including a Jim Halpert-esque bonus inside. 

The stick figures, Lorraine! The stick figures!!! 

Lorraine: It was good. It was undeniably good. I was waiting for the Producer/Intern created photo book of their "love journey", and he gave me STICK FIGURES. How am I supposed to mock something that adorable? 

Lacey: It's impossible. It can't be done. Stick figures dancing on a table, stick figures wearing snorkel gear, stick figures chillin on the beach. 

It was perfect. 

And then the cherry on the top, Thank you. Thank you. No, thank you. Thanks so much. Thank you. Giggle with delight. 

I can't take it! It's too sincere! It's too adorable! What is happening to me?! 

Lorraine: We're losers. Plain and simple. 

My jaded family brought me back to a slight reality when they pointed out as tactfully as possible that they were pretty sure she was pretty drunk at the end of that date. 

Once they pointed it out, I couldn't unsee it. She was quite possibly slurring, giggling, and a little red-faced. And her balance at the end of the night was questionable. 

Lacey: What?! My illusion is shattered! Nah, not really. Drunk or not drunk, it was still wonderful. 

Are we ready to move on to the tough stuff? 

Lorraine: Yes. Where Poor Arie gets even Poorer. 

Lacey: This is the part where I wanted to punch the producers in the gut for putting through the nonsense of making that love potion with the delightful old lady, and let him gush to the camera and stuff. Rude! 

Lorraine: Backup. We need to discuss that my viewing party was so unprepared for the fact that Emily was about to abruptly end the competition portion of this show, only the Professor noted that something significant had happened, and we had to rewind Emily's gibber gabber to learn she was about to dump Arie. 

Lacey: Even after her discussion with Chris? I realized about halfway through that segment that Emily was about to pull an Ali and let Arie go Cape Cod style. 

Lorraine: We got chatty, thinking they were going to do another half a dozen reviews and montages, and then suddenly she's telling Chris that Arie's getting the boot! It all happened so fast! 

But apparently, not fast enough to nix the stinking love potion. booooo. 

Lacey: I was so nervous for Emily as she walked down the path to breaking Arie's heart. If I were her I would have had to stop and puke in the tropical undergrowth. 

Lorraine: I must note that the camera men that were sent in for this were TROOPERS. walking backwards in jungle lairs, jumping into moving SUVs, holding back noisy sobs... 

Pros, I tell ya. 

Lacey: They called in the Reality TV Special Forces for this one. 

What was so tough about this exit and about Sean's exit for that matter, is that he was so completely taken by surprise. He had every reason to believe it was going to be him in the end. 

Lorraine: Yeah, she had to vaguely indirectly dump him like 5 times before he got it. It was so sad. 

Lacey: Even though Chris told her to be direct and honest, Emily still couldn't quite cut to the chase. Arie was being so sweet and concerned because she was sad. When he realized she was sad because he was getting the boot, his face just killed me. 

Lorraine: And she threw a few daggers in there that didn't seem to help much either. 

Lacey: He started tearing up and looked out into the void of his shattered dreams. It was so sad. 

Lorraine: "I kept thinking it would be me and you, me and you at the end of this" NOT HELPING. 

Lacey: Then came the reactionary portion of our break up. It was one of the most honest departures I've ever seen on this show. Emily: "I don't know what to say." Arie: "You don't have to say anything. I'll go." Emily: "Arie, wait!" Arie: "I don't think you're going to get the goodbye you want. I don't know WHAT you want. I guess, thanks for sparing me the embarrassment tomorrow." 

Ouch. 

Lorraine: Actually, that's a pretty worthwhile thank you. Not like crazy Ashley that let Ben get all the way down on one knee and have him STUCK DOWN THERE while she mulled over how to say no. 

Better to dump him in the wafting fumes of love potion. 

Lacey: Moment of mockery in all this drama. Hulk/Arie: "Give me a hug. NOWWW!" (I added that last part myself.) 

Lorraine: Your NOWWWW was totally appropriate. He is too cool for school. I love him. I hope he and Mama Suzy can make a run of it. 

Lacey: This is it! The big moment! Jef has chosen a door knob/engagement ring. Emily is standing on a stage in the middle of a pastel town square (??). 

Lorraine: EIGHTY EIGHT DIAMONDS, Lacey. 

I thought all those shutters were a little creepish. 

Lacey: A very angry person apparently had run through the town and ripped them all off. Proceed with caution. 

Lorraine: uh huh 

Lacey: Jef walks up looking incredibly sharp in a dark suit. 

Lorraine: I will mock the narrowness of his hipster tie because it's the only jab I can get in for awhile. 

Lacey: Emily doesn't even bother messing with him with a well placed "but..." She comes right out with it. "You're the only one who got to meet Ricki. I didn't even go on a date with Arie yesterday. It's just you and me. You're my soulmate." 

Lorraine: Praise the reality gods. 

Lacey: Jef's reaction was priceless. It went something like, "Wah?!?!?!" 

But his eloquence quickly made a comeback. "God puts people in our lives when the time is just right." 

Lorraine: Well put, old putter. 

Lacey: "What I'm about to ask you aren't just empty words. They are forever." 

Lorraine: "because they will be on replay on Hulu until the world ends" 

Lacey: Ha! 

After a good 10 seconds of silence, Emily says a joyful yes! Cue The Karate Kid II theme song "Glory of Love". 

Lorraine: As I watched, I couldn't help but wonder if the song selection made you savor the moment more, or dug the knife in a little deeper. 

It's like they KNEW. 

Lacey: Lemme answer that for you, Lorraine. It hurt bad. Real, real bad. It's a miracle I survived it. Not only did I lose the man of my dreams, I lost him to the theme song of my all-time favorite movie. 

Lorraine: Harsh, producers. Harsh. 

And it ends with the slightly weird note of Ricki arriving, and Emily proclaiming "We did it!"  The producers scramble to turn off mics as Little Ricki asks "What did we do mommy?" and Emily and Jef scrambling to explain that a dude she met once is her NEW DAD. 

Or so I like to believe. 

Lacey: I see why they chose the song though. They synced it up perfectly with action from the Emily and Jef montage. "As we're both lying here" (Emily and Jef on the library floor). 

Lorraine: shame there wasn't a line about killing clay pigeons. 

Lacey: Dang. 

A few words about ATFR? 

Lorraine: I only took one note, which I will both mock and secretly admire. 

Lacey: Tell it. 

Lorraine: When she was trying to explain that she felt like she just met Jef any old normal way and "you know, like, I dated a bunch of his friends first!" 

I cringe and giggle at the same time. I can't decide if it's the worst or best thing a Bachelorette ever said. 

Lacey: Ha ha! That's awesome! 

I love that Jef called Arie to smooth things over and talk him through everything after Journal-gate. What a great guy and good friend. Jef wins. 

He wins at life. 

Lorraine: And kudos to Arie that hearing Jef and Emily were happy was what he needed to hear to move on. By far my favorite runner up ever on the Bachelor. 

Kind of sad that Sean will be getting the next round of ladies though (foregone conclusion, right?) 

Lacey: He was kind, understanding, and honest. I really like him too. But you're right. The "honor" will be Sean's without a doubt. 

Lorraine: I'm going to need a lot of Ravioli to get through that one. 

Lacey: Ha ha! The episode ends with Jef's mom and sisters crowding the floor and gathering around Emily for girl talk. They're going to get along just fine. It was really wonderful. I feel like an idiot saying it, but I really hope this one works out. I think it might. 

Lorraine: Ugh. Lacey. This is so lame. We have watched this show a bjillion times. We know better. But here I am. I think they might make it. 

The instagram of Ricki and Jef fishing? I want their yellowed faux faded family to be real. BWUH HUH HUHHHH!!!! 

I'm so ashamed!!! 

Lacey: I'm totally with you. You're not alone. 

Lorraine: She told People.com she's taking his last name. I'm kind of sad her name isn't Emilee so she could drop an E, too. 

Lacey: Ha! That's so sweet. And so, even though the wonderful picture you made for me will never come true, I feel hope and joy for the lovebirds. It overshadows my intense disappointment. 

Lorraine: Now is when I would usually try to convince you to audition, but I really don't want you to bring Sean home to meet us. I will be mean to him. On TV. 

Let's wait it out. 

Lacey: Sean and I wouldn't click. He'd think I was weird. I'd think he was boring. It would never work. 

Lorraine: Lacey, what more can we say about the best/worst show ever? 

I think it's over. We have to leave now, and let them go on African Humanitarian Trips and do normal things as a family. I have to go back to the void of an empty Monday, while you tell me how Reid is doing on Bachelor Pad. 

Lacey: Deal. Farewell, dear Bachelorette, until next time! 

The Men Tell All (or Not Much)

Gossip Boyz

or

Four Weddings that Weren't and Kalon's Funeral

Lacey: The Men Tell All. Here we go.  The first 20 minutes we can skip. It was pretty much a rehash of the season so far. It's only been a few weeks. Not that hard to remember.

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Lorraine: yeah, they seem to think that we're not paying very close attention. or taking notes. or reading recaps, you know, every day.

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Lacey: Yeah. We're obsessed, ABC. No need to waste our time. The second portion of the episode: Stuff that got left on the cutting room floor.

‪Lorraine: I can't believe they left out Jef pillow spinning.

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Lacey: That is a sweet skill. One I intend on mastering.

Emily spilling wine on her exquisite rose gown. "#%*!, y'all!"

Lorraine: I'm surprised that as a mom she didn't know that white wine actually gets stains OUT, not leave them in.

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Lacey: Then we had Arie's brothers spying at Arie and Emily making out from behind the bushes. Awkward!

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Lorraine: I can't describe how little I want to see any of my siblings kissing anyone. In fact, I'm sorry if you have ever seen me kiss Dan. like, at our wedding? Sorry. Because watching siblings kiss is gross.

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Lacey: I have seen you and Dan kiss. It is weird. But it's okay. 

Then Emily said, "If it doesn't work out, I'm calling them." Double Awkward!

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Lorraine: YES. that was some awkward.  polyamorously played, Emily.

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Lacey: Ha ha! And finally we were treated to video of Bobblehead's awful awful dancing at the concert. Wow!  I don't think anyone's ever looked that bad dancing. Except me.

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Lorraine: umm, you are not the exception. for sure. he was that bad. there is no mockable exception.  I know it should be endearing or something, but now that I know he's on bachelor pad, I feel like all my instincts are totally justified. he's a dufus.

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Lacey: Which seamlessly brings us into Part 3 of the episode: Bachelor Pad sneak peek. I would like to state for the record that I have never before had any interest in that show whatsoever. I'm into CLASSY entertainment, like the Bachelorette. Psh. But this coming season I must make an exception because my all time favorite Bachelorette contestant ever of all time, REID, will be moving into the house! Oh, Reid! How I love him. 

Also, to watch what appeared to be a Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee. Whoever came up with that idea needs a raise, stat! Brilliant!

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Lorraine: absolutely brilliant.  And I will support your support of Reid on bachelor pad, as long as I get to read about it.

I've seen as much as I needed to see. Blakely the Train Wreck, Jaimie the Dress Ripper (possibly the only kiss as awkward as Doug's in Bach history) and Kalon the drama hog.

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Lacey: Why would Lindzi debase herself thus? What is she thinking, hooking up with Kalon? Ew! 

Lorraine: I know. Her horses would not like Kalon.

Lacey: I was only interested in what appeared to be major drama between Ed and Reid. Reid FTW!

Alright! Enough of this nonsense! Let's bring out the guys!

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Lorraine: YES, the real men.  ABC really did pick Emily a nice crop of boys, as I look back with nostalgia.

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Lacey: Alas! Aaron the Biology Teacher, we barely knew ye.

‪Lorraine: And Michael the long haired model. We still don't knew ye.

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Lacey: Ha! I'm glad they gave them both spots on the panel! It made me happy.

We get our first glimpse of ABC totally grooming Sean for the role of our next Bachelor. When he enters, the paid extras studio audience screams their heads off right on cue.

‪Lorraine: Yeah. He's gonna do great there.  Good for him.  he is the darling of the season, no doubt.

in watching the highlight reel of early man drama, I kept thinking what a hard time poor ABC must have had trying to typecast/edit/portray Doug. Brother was all over the place.

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Lacey: It's so true! So many personalities! Hulk/Doug, Awkward Doug, Humble Doug. Who is this guy?!

‪Lorraine: Is he nice? is he mean? Is he drama? is he the cool single dad? Is he the awkward kisser? Is he funny? We don't...We don't know. I still don't know.

‪Lacey: We probably never will.

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Lorraine: I guess Arie had him pegged. Doug is a chameleon.  Just depends what day you get him.

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Lacey: How about Bobblehead still getting his panties in a twist over the tiniest things? I secretly love that Beefcake knows how to push his buttons so well. It's hilarious!

‪Lorraine: Oh. I was all team beefcake tonight.  My exact notes were the absolutely useless following: "Oh Christopher. Christopher, Christopher, Christopher." because I don't know how else to console this giant baby of a man with his sleepy eyes.

and as soon as Chris tries taking Ryan to town, one of the best lines of the night.

"Chris, this is an insecurity on your part to do this, but go ahead."

Lacey: Ha ha! Truer words were never spoken! Chris just continues to prove that he is in fact an immature kid.

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Lorraine: the more he talks, the deeper his hole gets. it's so cute. like a cute little kid that can't work the tonka tractor yet!

‪Lacey: He's still learning.  How about that Kalon guy?

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Lorraine: I mean, what is there to say? He's more than disingenuous- I'm nearly positive he's an actor.

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Lacey: He is seriously the smarmiest jerk to set foot on this show and that is saying a lot. I loved when he claimed that he's great friends with Chris and Tony. Tony just stared at the floor with shifty eyes.  Read: Nope. Everyone hates you, Kalon.

How about Wolfie's awesome one liner. "I don't think he'd miss a facial to pick up Ricki from soccer practice." Ha! Plus, he's wearing pink pants. Big win.

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Lorraine: HA! How did I miss the pink pants?

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Lacey: They were a lovely soft baby pink. It takes a real man. He looked classy.

‪Lorraine: Readers, if you'd like some extracurricular reading on Kalon, may I suggest : http://www.dallasnews.com/lifestyles/style/people/20120229-how-to-achieve-killer-american-psycho-like-style.ece.  this is a man who has spent his entire adult life reinventing himself as an image.

WELL, should we talk about Ryan in the hot seat?

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Lacey: Yes please! First off, I thought he looked about a million times better now that he's grown out his hair tuft.  But he needs to go a little easier on the self tanner.

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Lorraine: oh no. the tan goes with the whole Ryan thing. It's all or nothing, Lacey. With Ryan, it's the whole, blessed, worldly, gifted package.

‪

Lacey: The truth is, he was cracking me up the whole time. I don't hate him anymore. He's more mesmerizing to me than anything. It's like he knows he's a caricature and he plays it up. He's in on the whole thing. And it almost makes him, dare I say, likable.

‪

Lorraine: WOW! Lacey, I never thought we'd see eye to eye on this one. But we do! You and I have fallen for his antics together, and it's FUN!

I enjoyed the whole entire interview beginning to end, and "what about the trophy wife thing, wanna touch on that?!" was the cherry on top of Ryan's totally charming self adoration

‪

Lacey: That crazy kid. I still wouldn't date him, and if I knew him I'd roll my eyes a lot, but I think would enjoy him.

‪

Lorraine: He would be the life of every party.

I think he said it best, oh I should have written it down. "Arrogance is a false sense of confidence"? I think he said? It's true. Kalon is arrogant. Ryan is absolutely sure of himself. One is pathetic, and one is endearing. And that's the difference.

‪

Lacey: Well said.

‪

Lorraine: And Kudos to Host Chris.  Magnificently managed.

‪Lacey: He was so on last night!  He was burning people left and right!

‪Lorraine: divorce has been good to him. I hate to say it.

‪

Lacey: Oooooh.

‪Lorraine: "Ladies, the line for Ryan forms right over here!"  sheer brilliance.

‪

Lacey: Then we're subjected to even more Bobblehead, this time in the hot seat. Harrison asked him, "Do you anger quickly?" Lemme answer that. YES.

Lorraine: Chris jumps to anger faster than Michelle Bachmann at a free health care clinic giving away Green Cards and violins on the government's dime.

Lacey: Is it bad that I wanted to mock his little speech about lost friends and living for today and saying what he means, when he was trying to be all sincere?

Lorraine: And yes. My exact note when Chris started to cry was in the following dufus thought bubble: "Maybe if I cry, people will know how mature I am. If I have dead friends, people will totally think I'm old. I should cry about dead friends. YEAH! THAT'S IT!"

But he forgot to mention that his friends died of diabetes and dimensia, so he didn't seem older, just more desperate.

Lacey: Bobblehead: LOSE.

Sean time?  (Cue the sound of screaming women)

‪

Lorraine: if swooning had a sound, you'd have heard that too.

I'll say this about Blondbeef. He's not my type, but boy, he sure knows how to show a difference between 4th place and 3rd place.  He is a class act.

‪

Lacey: I totally agree. He was very sweet and well-spoken.  All the same, when he said "I wondered if I didn’t bringing something to the table that Jef or Arie did," I couldn't help but think, "Yeah. Being interesting. And kissing good." Slap me on the wrist. I know I deserve it.

‪

Lorraine: no, those are fair assessments.  I may have been eating ravioli when he said that, and was momentarily transfixed on the goodness of ravioli, otherwise I would have mocked him for that, too.

‪

Lacey: I feel like a season starring Sean might be a little bit like watching paint dry. Then again, I thought Ben would be a fun and interesting Bachelor and I wanted to die during most of that season, so I could be totally wrong.

‪

Lorraine: Well, clearly my Ravioli was more interesting than Sean, so at this point, I'm skeptical.

‪Lacey: Ha! Finally, Emily comes out looking exactly like my Totally Hair Barbie.

‪

Lorraine: oh gosh. Her hair is better every time.

‪

Lacey: She says how happy she is to see everyone, and tells Sean that she "ugly ugly ugly cried" when she watched the episode. Then she says, "What girl wouldn't want Sean?"  Uh...You.

‪

Lorraine: It was nice that she was trying to be sweet, but it did carry a rather pregnant pause.

I liked that CHRIS HAD SOME STUFF TO GET OFF HIS CHEST AND SAY AND WHATEVER ABOUT OPENING MY EYES TO LOVE AND, YOU KNOW, BASICALLY LIKE EVERYTHING THAT SEAN SAID.  And Emily did not say much back,

‪

Lacey: I know! Get your own scriptwriter, Bobblehead.

‪

Lorraine: Ugh, and then Kalon again some more.

‪Lacey: Don't you fret. Emily totally takes him to school.

‪

Lorraine: That girl has a sailor's tongue on her. I'm not one to talk, but still.

‪

Lacey: He tried to weave a verbal web of apologetic lies, but she totally called him out. I love that she discredited his statements one at a time until he had nowhere else to go and nothing else to say. All he could do was sit there and look stupid while she said, "I hope you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and rented helicopter." BAM!

‪Lorraine: He's clearly very excited to play a TV Villain forever.  I'm happy for him.

‪

Lacey: May he find joy.

And last but not least, we get to see a little teaser for next week's episode, where Emily's twin mom tells her not to get engaged. I think Emily's going to follow that advice.  I keep going back and forth on who she's going to choose, but either way, I think she's going to tell them that she wants to date for a while.

‪

Lorraine: You could be right.  Want to make an official prediction from which to compare our twisted views a week from now?

‪

Lacey: I think it's going to be Jef. He says lines like, "I feel like we'll have a love that makes the storybooks jealous." Where does he get this stuff?

‪

Lorraine: Arie- not the best talker. Says the word "cool" a lot. But I just don't know if I can picture her walking away from him. I really can't. I guess we'll keep it interesting, and I'll go with Arie!

My heart is safer that way.

‪Lacey: Virtual shake on it. It's going to be a rough one.

‪

Lorraine: And cheers to Chris Harrison sitting Emily down and breaking it to her that polyamorous love is not an option, and accepting two proposals is a betrayal. That's all I have to say.

‪Lacey: He'll keep her in line.

Episode 9:

Polygamist Emily 

or

Damn, I forgot to ask Lacey for a Title. 

Lorraine:  ‪So, Lacey, I could be wrong now, but I think maybe we were wrong this whole time about everything.

Lacey:  ‪Weird!  I think so too!  Up until this very week I was sure nothing could stop the Arie train, but I don't think so anymore.  I think Jef is her man.

Lorraine:  ‪I like where your head is at. Different from mine, but I like it.

Lacey:  ‪Where is your head?  We must find it immediately!

Lorraine:  ‪I was thinking specifically about the fact that, at first, I thought Bermuda was the perfect place to fall in love. Then I thought maybe London was the perfect place to fall in love. But really, I mean, OBVIOUSLY, Dubrovnik was the PERFECT PLACE to fall in love. But we were all completely wrong, all this time. Curacao is THE perfect place to fall in love.  I feel SO MISLED.

Lacey:  ‪Ha ha!  You're right!  Our heads are in completely different places!  Strangely after 2 whole hours of being in Curacao I still have no idea how it's supposed to be pronounced.  Cure-a-sow?  Curr-a-cow?  I don't think anyone really knows.

Lorraine:  ‪Kira-Sao, was how I was thinking of it. The way that Emily said it, I kept thinking they were on a remote Vietnamese island. But I think it's Portuguese.

That being said, I refuse to let my heart believe that she will choose Jef. I am assuming the worst until it happens.

Lacey:  ‪Emily and Arie have this ridiculously passionate animal magnetism that is insane to watch, but I think she's starting to see it as chemistry and not necessarily compatibility. After this episode full of wise decisions on her part, she's proven that she just might go the other way.  I don't know, but I feel like it might be.

Lorraine:  ‪okay, we've got to start at the beginning, or I'm going to want to start into her Arie date right here and now.

‪actually, not the actual beginning, because, I have to tell you in full disclosure that I fast forwarded through a good chunk of that awful TWENTY MINUTE soft-edged montage about Emily's "Journey through love".  It was just so bad.

Lacey:  ‪Oh yeah.  Sean is muscly and nice= "perfect" man.  Jef is a little edgy and gets her.  Sweet Arie is so sweet.  Tough decision, blah blah blah.  Emily writes "Emily + ?" in the sand.  Time for the dates!

Lorraine:  ‪Yes please.

Lacey:  ‪Question: Am I mistaken or was this the first date helicopter of the season?

Lorraine:  ‪mrrrrmmm, I think there was one more early on.

‪OH YES. this was the first helicopter DATE, but not the first helicopter!

Since Kalon out-smarmed himself, he will sadly not be remembered for arriving in a helicopter, but for calling Emily's daughter "baggage"

Lacey:  The lack of helicopters so far has been astounding.  Usually we're up to 4 or 5 by now.  Anyway, they fly to their very own private island 

‪Sean desperately needed some sunglasses while they talked on the beach and he tried to get up the guts to drop the "L" word.

Lorraine:  ‪I swear, he is always making that face all the time. I think he thinks it looks good.  Blondbeef just does not have an interesting bone in his perfect beefy body.  If being perfect means being boring, I plan to stay hopelessly flawed for a long long long long time.

Lacey:  ‪Sean and Emily are really not fun together.  They're always on best behavior, we're on camera right now kind of thing.  You're right.  It's a zero on the Interesting Scale.

Lorraine:  ‪actually, I had this amazing epiphany when I was watching.  When Emily is with Sean, it's like watching Brad date Emily.

‪She is so much more interesting as the bachelorette, but when she was on Brad's season, she was always on best behavior, always holding back a little, and always a tiny bit boring except for ABC forcing her dramatic story line past down her throat.

Really, Blondbeef is probably a great guy, but Emily doesn't bring it out in him, just like Brad didn't bring it out in her.

Lacey:  ‪It's true.  And it would only be a matter of time before the "perfect" gave way to reality and they would be complete strangers to each other.

‪In any case, the note he wrote to Ricki was very sweet.  It was a little lame to first profess his love in a note to her daughter, but it was thoughtful nonetheless, and she loved it.

Lorraine:  ‪They make out in Sean's icky icky icky sloppy slimey way, and when they come up for air, Emily forces the fantasy card in his hand and the couple makes a run for the love palace.

Lacey:  ‪Then, in the most shocking moment in Bachelorette history, Emily displays some common sense and calls it a night!  She sends Sean home from the Fantasy Suite because of her beliefs and the example she wants to set for her daughter. I squealed with delight!  Yay!

Lorraine:  ‪Ha!  I thought she made the right decision for herself, especially when I think deep down she sees herself with someone else.

But I was still too nauseated by Sean's kissing style to feel anything akin to happiness. I had to race out and get my smelling salts.

Lacey:  ‪I just really like that she's a good person.  I'm a fan!  Let's move away from the "perfect" guy to the perfect guy.  Jef time!

Lorraine:  ‪indeed.  Jef is perfect in such a way that his edgy, different, interesting coiffed hair does not move a muscle in the winds and waves of Kira-Sao.

It's perfect and imperfect all at once.

Lacey:  ‪While her bang braid did absolutely nothing to prevent the wind from whipping her hair all over her face.  Get that girl a scrunchie!

Lorraine:  ‪truly.  but somehow, despite hair in her mouth and eyes and nostrils, they still manage to have a nice chat about family and the future.'  very pleasant.

someone got her a scrunchie.

Lacey:  ‪I feel like Jef may be the one that gives the most thought to Ricki and how that will all work out.  He says he wants to meet her to make sure they'll fit together, he asks Emily if she thinks he'll be a good parent.  She answers yes, because he's fun and he wants to be.  He seems to get it.

Lorraine:  ‪I have no idea how these people are able to keep these conversations so mundane. Surely, she must have another thought for what she wants Ricki's stepad to be other than "fun" and "present" and "willing to make sandwiches"

It's stuff like that which makes me think that Jef would not be happy with Emily in the long run, but I'll let them play that one out.

Lacey:  ‪Aw...  I thought the sandwiches thing was sweet!  You didn't like that?  When she said he's the one she pictured being there when she was home?  It was darling if she picks him, mean if she doesn't.

Lorraine:  ‪I prefer to mock it, firmly believing that she will be breaking his heart in about a week.

Lacey:  ‪That's actually a really good plan.  I should go back to that.  They're just so cute together, I can't help but like them!  At one point she said, "You ignite a self-confidence in me."  You can really see that when they're together.  She's fun and funny and I love that.

Lorraine:  ‪And Jef, ever the gentlemen, (or ever aware that his MISSIONARY PARENTS are watching) respectfully declines the fantasy suite.

Lacey:  ‪Not only does he decline it, he does so by quoting scripture!  "There is a time and place for everything.  Now is the time to bridle these passions."  Did Jef just use his scripture mastery on national television?!?  I laughed so hard!

Lorraine:  ‪Oh, did he? That's a little weird, but hey man, whatever keeps you from disgracing your family and offending the girl you want to make out on some floor with forever, more power to you!  Keep on keepin on!

Lacey:  ‪He totally did!  A neon sign appeared above his head and started flashing Mormon!  Mormon!  Mormon!  It was amazing.  It brought me much joy.  And I think Emily truly appreciated the gentlemanly gesture.

Lorraine:  ‪before, you know, hauling him up to the fantasy suite anyway.

Lacey:  ‪Just for a little while.  Just long enough to admire the full animal skin rugs adorning the fancy tree house floor.

‪Those poor, poor zebras. The indignity.  I wonder if they made out on them?

Lorraine:  ‪I'm sure they had a very nice proper "four on the floor" "the holy ghost goes to bed at midnight" "nothing good comes from spooning" chat on the chair swing.

Lacey:  ‪Ha ha!  I hope so!  Well, shall we move on to Arie?  There was very little conversation to be had because it appeared someone had super glued their faces together.

Arie and Emily Kissing.

Lorraine:  ‪That, my friend, that is the love that Bachelor legends are made on. You know, the kind of legend where they are broken up before "After the Final Rose" even airs.

OF COURSE Arie gets the swimming with dolphins date.

Lacey:  ‪Remember the part where the super sweet dolphin swam up behind Emily and gave her a friendly nudge and she squealed and panicked and scared the dolphin away?  I loved that part.

Lorraine:  ‪I have never in all my days seen someone who was afraid of dolphins.  I judged her.

also, someone get that girl a life jacket. She is clearly not a good swimmer.

Lacey:  ‪I know!  I feel for her, because I'm a bad swimmer too.  I would demand that I get to take a foam noodle into the water with me.

Lorraine:  ‪at the very least.

Emily and Arie scared dolphin kissing.

Lacey:  ‪Arie reveals that his favorite moments with Emily have been kissing moments.  Like the carousel in Dollywood, aka Make Out #1.  And their walk in Dubrovnik, aka The Wall Kiss.

Arie and Emily Kissing..Some More.

Lorraine:  ‪which we all remember fondly.  walls have never been so tantalizing.

Lacey:  ‪Exactly.  I'm with ya.

Then at dinner he also reveals that he's put a lot of thought into how he would build a relationship with Ricki.  I liked that.

Lorraine:  ‪ohhhhh really?

Lacey:  ‪You didn't?

Lorraine:  ‪Because remember before when I was like, we can't talk about Arie's date yet, because I will go into a tirade? That was pretty much why.

Lacey:  ‪What did you hate?

Lorraine:  ‪Did he REALLY put a lot of thought into that?  "I would, you know, be her friend first." because I'm sure Emily was worried her shallow hearted makeout buddy would turn into a dictator parent at first meeting.  And she was SO impressed, and I was thinking "this girl is seeing what she wants to see."

Lacey:  ‪Granted, I don't think he's put in as much thought as Jef probably has, but at least he was making an effort.  It's got to be hard for these guys because they haven't even met Ricki yet, so they don't have a whole lot to go on.

Lorraine:  ‪I just don't see Arie really thinking much of this through beyond "It's hard to make out on this boat." Even if I do think he's a really nice guy.

He's the sort that would be REALLY fun to date, not fun to marry.

Lacey:  ‪I agree.  And that's why I've changed my guess to Jef because I think that, after all this good judgment Emily's displayed, she's going to choose a genuinely good match over a really insanely hot one.  Again, I could be wrong.  I probably am.  Lust always conquers all on this show.

Lorraine:  ‪Not only that, but I think as time goes on, I see that Emily is way too concrete a thinker for Jef. He's thoughtful, idealistic, and seems to be very open to changing his perceptions and his views on life. and I think Emily is a sharp, witty, cute nice girl who wants a cute happy husband and cute happy life. I think Arie is the light at the end of her tunnel, even if I wouldn't choose him myself.

Lacey:  ‪So, continuing her streak of good judgment, she forgoes the forgo card altogether and bids Arie a very, EXTREMELY fond adieu on the deck.  Don't even get me started on this.  The way he was looking at her...  Oh my gosh.  I melted.  I died.  It looked gooood.

Oh hey, it's Arie and Emily. Kissing.

Lorraine:  ‪haha

Lacey:  ‪Now about her rose ceremony outfit.  The ribbed tank and disco ball mermaid skirt.  What do we call this?  Formal casual?  Casual formal?  Trailer meets Saturday Night Fever?  Very confusing.

Lorraine:  ‪hahah, I knew the second I saw it that it would be fashionably controversial, but I really liked it. It looked like by far the most comfortable thing she's worn in awhile.  plus, it made a swooshing noise

Lacey:  ‪She always looks fabulous no matter what.  It takes very little time for Chris to crack her composure.  She starts hiccup crying because she's feeling bad for having to let someone go.

Lorraine: ‪ohh the hiccup crying. that looked uncomfortable.

Lacey:  ‪It hurts!  It was so sad.

Lorraine:  ‪have we said this before? that her crying looks painful?  I think we have.

Lacey:  ‪Chris sends her over to the flat screen to watch video messages from her three loves.  They haven't done those for many seasons.  I missed them in all their cue card reading, super cheestastic glory.

Lorraine:  ‪ohhh, this is a thing?  I have never seen this, that shows my newness to the bachelor scene.

Lacey:  ‪Oh yeah!  They used to do it all the time.  I think the last time was Deanna's season.  It's been quite a little while.  But totally worth the wait, don't you think?  Nothing says "I love you" like a pre-recorded, scripted home video.

Lorraine:  ‪off of what could only be cue cards.

Lacey:  ‪I think Sean's downfall was that he faced the sun yet again while recording, so he squinted the whole way through.  Poor guy.  I didn't hear a word he said.  I was too focused on his burning skin and retinas.

Lorraine:  ‪bahahaha.  poor, poor thing.

Lacey:  ‪But Jef, in his ever so eloquent way, gives a lovely speech.  "At the top of the ferris wheel in London I didn't want to come down.  On the floor in Prague I didn't want to get up."  She started crying during his message.  I thought this is either a very good sign, or a very bad sign.  Turned out good.

Lacey:  ‪Arie had a pretty worthy sound bite himself with, "My heart is always racing towards you."  Ha!  Who writes this stuff?

Lorraine:  ‪haha, so fitting for mr. racecare driver!

Lacey:  ‪Then Emily sad cries for a very long time as Chris leads the boys in looking pretty casual themselves.  Note to any guy who wears olive green chinos and a skinny tie like Jef: Be Mine.

Lorraine:  ‪before we go finish off the rose ceremony, I also MUST add how jaw dropping it was to watch Emily talk with CH about how she loves three men for different reasons, and doesn't want to let them go. Honey, you have to pick just one at the end. that's real life. You may not date three men forever. You can see her mind trying to work out how to not sound crazy when talking about keeping 3 men, hahaha

‪I rewatched it 2 or 3 times just because it was so awesome. "I'm just not ready to say goodbye!" And that is why the Bachelor/ette is GREAT television.

Lacey:  ‪Amen!  A decision must be made and she woefully hands roses to Jef and Arie.  Sean's face dropped.  It was actually pretty sad to see him so surprised by it.

Lorraine:  ‪I agree. the bench chat didn't seem to help much.

Lacey:  ‪Especially since they were accompanied the whole time by some crazy tropical bird squawking the whole time! It would not shut up!

Lorraine:  ‪he just stared at her shiny noisy strobe light skirt and tried not to think about that very long plane ride home. in coach.

I am so ashamed at how much I want that skirt.  I would wear it to work every day

Lacey:  ‪As Sean voices his surprise and hurt, Emily buries her face in her hands and cries harder.  Ever the gentleman, Sean can't help but place a comforting hand on her back.

Lorraine:  ‪indeed.  Emily is really playing this one rough.  She is right that she blindsided the old boy, and then she still managed to get his sympathy when she cries. She's puttin' them boys through the West Virginny Wringer.

Lacey:  ‪Then the rejection SUV honks at him to hurry up.  He hugs Emily and says, "I'll miss you more than you'll ever know."  Emily completely breaks down as Sean squishes his gigantic frame into the vehicle.  He almost hits his head on the roof every time he moves

Lorraine:  ‪No stretch limo?  Don't worry Sean, they're just prepping you for the JetBlue flight home.

Lacey:  ‪He bids adieu to the beautiful life picture he's been creating in his mind.  She's Jef or Arie's wife, Sean.  Not yours.

Lorraine:  ‪Or, in Emily's perfect world, Jef AND Arie's wife.

Lacey:  ‪Jef and Arie seem like pretty good friends.  Maybe they'd go for it.

Lorraine:  ‪I'm pretty sure the finale's teaser was leading up to that. "I feel like I've been misleading both of them...and now I need to tell them I'm looking for two husbands, not just one."

Yah! Woot! Go Emily! Do it!

Lacey:  ‪MOST. DRAMATIC. EVER!

Lorraine:  ‪As for next week, I never watch the live shows, but I will do this for you. Because unlike Emily and Sean, our friendship is built on mutual sacrifice, understanding, mockery of others, and is in no way related to the beefcakiness of our arms.

Lacey:  ‪Yay!  Thanks!  The specials are the best!  So full of mockable content!  Not to be missed.

Lorraine:  ‪I am sure that's true.

Lacey:  ‪Kalon's gonna get ripped apart.  Can't wait.  And Ryan’s tank top.  Oh how I hope someone brings up the tank top!

Lorraine:  ‪we will call in and complain if there is no discussion of the tank top.

Lacey:  ‪Deal!